1) The average cucumber is at least six inches long.
2) Cucumbers stay hard for a week.
3) A cucumber won't tell you that size doesn't count.
4) Cucumbers don't get excited.
5) Cucumbers are easy to pick up.
6) You can fondle cucumbers in the supermarket and know how firm it is before you take one home.
7) A cucumber will always respect you in the morning.
8) You can go to a movie with a cucumber and see the movie.
9) At a drive-in, you can stay in the front seat; a cucumber can always wait till you get home.
10) A cucumber will never ask "Am I the first?"
11) A cucumber will never tell other cucumbers that you're not a virgin anymore.
12) With cucumbers, you don't have to be a virgin more than once.
13) Cucumbers won't make you wear kinky clothes or go to bed with your boots on.
14) You can have as many cucumbers as you can handle.
15) You only eat cucumber when you feel like it.
16) Cucumbers are not jealous of your ski instructor, gynecologist or hairdresser.
17) A cucumber will never make a scene because there are other cucumbers in the fridge.
18) No matter how old you are, you can always get a fresh cucumber.
19) A cucumber won't care what time of the month it is.
20) With a cucumber, you never have to say you're sorry.
21) Cucumbers don't leave whisker burns, fall asleep on your chest or drool on the pillow.
22) Cucumbers can stay up all night, and you won't have to sleep on the wet spot.
23) Cucumbers don't leave you wondering for a month.
24) Cucumbers never answer your phone or borrow your car.
25) A cucumber won't eat all your food and drink all your liquor.
26) Cucumbers don't leave dirty shorts on the floor.
27) With a cucumber, the toilet seat is always the way you left it.
28) A cucumber will never leave you for another woman, another man or another cucumber.
29) You always know where your cucumber has been.
30) You won't find out later your cucumber is married, is on penicillin, or likes you but loves your brother.
31) You don't have to wait till half-time to talk to your cucumber.
32) Cucumbers never expect you to have little cucumbers.
33) It's easy to drop a cucumber.
34) No matter how you slice it, you can have your cuke and eat it too.