There was something nagging at Chakotay´s mind but he couldn’t figure out what it was. It occurred to him that maybe it was just a backlash over the events of the past few days, and yet… there was something more. Something she had said that didn’t quite add up, if only he could figure out what it was.
He collapsed into the armchair in his quarters letting his head fall back and let out a big sigh. It definitely had to do with her; the Admiral.
Seeing her had brought up so many emotions that he had had a hard time thinking straight. He hadn’t spent a lot of time with her; she had been cooped up in Kathryn’s quarters for the most part. In fact, now that he thought about it, she had been strangely cold towards him.
He wondered how Kathryn was dealing with all this. In the old days he would have gone to see her, talked with her about recent events, but lately…he let out another big sigh. He missed her, he missed the closeness they had shared, it seemed like ages ago. He couldn’t even pin point the time when they had started to drift apart, they just…had.
He gazed out the window it didn’t look any different. But he knew it was. It was felt through out the ship. These were Alpha Quadrant stars.
They were home, it was somewhat ironic that he hadn’t felt this lost in a long time.
So what now old man he asked himself out loud.
He didn’t have a clue. His future was for the first time in a long time up to him. He could do what ever he wished; he should be ecstatic but he wasn’t.
There was something else he should be doing. He should see Seven. Every other couple on the ship were together and he had been on dates with her. So technically he supposed she was his girlfriend.
He didn’t budge. He felt a little guilty but he had absolutely no wish to see Seven, to be with her. He wasn’t even very curious as to what she was doing. She was probably on duty, he thought.
Then completely out of the blue it hit him, like someone had punched him in the face, and he stood up instantly.
She had said 22 crewmembers!
He was sure of it, the Admiral had said that 22 crewmembers had died. But she had only said 21 names. Why was that? Had she simply forgotten one? No, she wouldn’t do that. Had she remembered wrong, 22 instead of 21? That didn’t seem right either, but what other explanation could there be?
He was out the door before he knew what he was doing. He needed to ask Kathryn, after all, he thought, the admiral might have told her something about it.
* * * *
When he entered her ready room he smiled at the familiar image.
Kathryn, sitting on the couch, gazing out of the window. One hand resting against her face the other holding a cup of coffee.
She turned to him and smiled, although, he noticed that it didn’t quite reach her eyes.
“May I join you?” he asked
“Of course, help yourself to the replicator.”
Grabbing a cup of tea he joined her on the couch. They were both silent for a while until she said.
“Do you think anyone would notice if I took this couch with me? I’ve been sitting in pretty much the same spot all these years and it’s molded itself to my body.”
He smiled, glad that she was in such a good mood to make jokes.
“I doubt anyone would notice, I´ll create a diversion and you carry it of here.”
They smiled at each other.
“Kathryn.”
“Yes.”
“Something has been disturbing me for a while, I just realized what it was, I was wondering if you could help me figure it out?”
“I´ll try.”
“Well, when the Admiral came aboard she said that she was going to save the 22 crewmembers who had died. Right?”
“Right.” Kathryn said but Chakotay could see her tense up.
“Well, you know when she read the names of the crewmembers…well… she only read 21 names.”
“Oh…why are you asking me again?”
“Well, you spent a lot of time with her, I thought she might have said something.”
Kathryn took a sip of her coffee and seemed to ponder what he had said.
“She did.” She said finally.
“And…?”
“She did only call up 21 names. 21 people died. The 22…the 22nd person was me.”
“You!?” Chakotay sat up straighter setting his tea cup down onto the table, gazing at her with a confused expression.
“Yes.”
“But…Kathryn. All the other crewmembers died. You didn’t, if you had she would never have been able to come.”
Kathryn didn’t say anything for a long time. She got up and walked towards the window and looked out. He continued to sit there, looking, waiting for her to explain.
“I may not have died physically but…I did die in all other ways. Or rather she did.” Kathryn said finally in a low voice.
Having heard that Chakotay got up and walked up to her. Standing next to her he looked at her seriously.
“You didn’t spend as much time with her as I did or else you would have noticed.” Kathryn continued. “She was old before her time, and bitter…and so lonely. She got the crew home in 23 years, but she had lost herself in the process. The woman she was was gone, as was her soul…and her heart.”
Chakotay could see the tears in Kathryn’s eyes and put his hand on her shoulder. All it took was a gentle nudge from him and she was in his arms, gripping him for support, sobs tearing through her body.
He rocked her back and forth, stroking her back as she cried. He knew this was probably the first time in a long time she had been held and he was glad that it was him.
When her sobs died down to faint sniffs he guided her back to the couch. Looking at her with concern.
“I’m so afraid that I´ll turn out like that Chakotay. I don’t want to become that kind of person.”
“You won’t Kathryn…I promise.”
At that she let out a laugh and looked at him with ridicule.
“How dare you make that promise, you can’t do that.”
“Oh?” Chakotay said, a bit taken aback at her outburst.
“In case you´ve forgotten Chakotay, we’re back in the Alpha Quadrant. We’ll all go our separate ways. I´ll go my way and…”
“And what?”
“And you’ll go with her!”
“Who?”
“Oh please, don’t play games with me Chakotay. I know all about your little girlfriend.”
And for the second time that day Chakotay felt like someone had punched him in the face, although this time it wasn’t good.
He had been a complete and total idiot.
In that second he saw his life, his future, collapse like a house of cards when that last card is added and everything falls down.
What had he been thinking? Had he at all been thinking or had he just been going along for a ride that only Seven wanted. Or was it just some sort of mid-life crisis?
He didn’t know. What he did know was that Kathryn. His Kathryn. His wonderful, sweet, challenging, trying Kathryn was crying. And it was his fault.
He didn’t quite know what to do. How could he explain to her when he couldn’t even make himself understand.
“Kathryn…”
“Please…just go.”
He stood up, trying to decide what to do. Then he knew. He knelt beside her and spoke softly.
“Kathryn my love. I love you, only you, there has never been anyone else and if I have to I will spend the rest of my life proving it to you. But now I have to go correct an error I made a while ago. When I’m done I´ll come back and then we’ll start our life together…if you want to.”
With that he stood up, kissed her head lightly and left.
* * * *
He entered astrometrics without a clue as to what he would say. He hadn’t planned anything, hadn’t rehearsed a speech. His thoughts had only been to get it done, to right the wrong.
Seven turned her head slightly to see who it was that had entered. She smiled at him and stopped the work she had been doing.
“Chakotay.”
In the back of his mind Chakotay thought of how strange his name sounded coming from her mouth but didn’t dwell on it.
“Seven…there’s something I need to tell you.”
“Should we go to another locale?” she asked
“No, it’s fine here.” He didn’t feel like wasting time walking to another room just to break up with her.
“Seven…I don’t quite know how to say this…this isn’t working…I don’t think we should continue…dating.”
“You wish to end our affiliation?”
Chakotay cringed in spite of himself affiliation sounds so clinical.
“Yes.”
“I see. Have I not performed adequately?” She asked with a confused tone.
“No, it’s nothing that you have done Seven it’s…it’s me.”
And then Chakotay remembered you weren´t supposed to say that. It was a memory he had from when he and his sister had had one of their few heart-to-hearts. She had just been dumped and had warned him never to say that. Well, he thought, this is something I wont be telling her about.
He focused on the woman in front of him who didn’t seem to have taken offense.
He sighed and ran his hand through his hair. She was obviously waiting for a proper explanation.
This ought to be good he thought to himself then promptly told himself to shut up.
“I can’t really explain this Seven but I don’t feel like the two of us…will work. And there is actually someone…someone I would like to…”
“You have romantic feeling for someone else.” She didn’t state it as a question, just a comment. Chakotay didn’t know if that was a good or a bad sign.
“Yes. I’m sorry if I've lead you on.”
“I do not believe you have…” For the first time since Chakotay entered the room Seven seemed unsure of what to say and for some reason that made Chakotay a little gladder.
“Ever since my experience in Unimatrix Zero I have…missed Axum. My experience when the Doctor took over my subconscious also gave me further insight.
I believe my desire to experience those feelings again led me to believe I had romantic feelings for you where possibly none existed.”
“Possibly?” Chakotay asked carefully.
“Quite possibly” She said with a slight smile and continued “I do not really feel any sadness when you say you wish to end our…affiliation. After all, now that we are in the Alpha Quadrant, the situation has changed radically.”
“Yes it has”
They stood awkwardly for a moment. Then Seven said.
“It is the Captain is it not?”
For a brief instant Chakotay was going to deny it but then he thought, Why should I deny it? So he said,
“Yes, it is.”
Seven nodded as in understanding then said.
“The captain is a lucky woman.” A small smile grazing her face.
“I’m the one who’s lucky.” Chakotay replied then let out a big sigh and leaned against a console. “But I have yet to see how lucky…it’s very possible that I've ruined it.”
“You are referring to our brief affiliation?” Seven asked crooking her head.
“Yes…but there has been more…we’ve both hurt each other over the years.”
Seven didn’t know what to say so she didn’t say anything. Chakotay started walking towards the door and turned as he heard Sevens voice again.
“Commander…good luck. I’m sure that, if the captain loves you, she will forgive you.”
Chakotay smiled in thanks, but as he walked down the corridor he wished he was as sure as Seven had been.
* * * *
Kathryn hadn’t dare leave her ready room for a long time after Chakotay had left. Not wanting any of the crew to see her tear stained eyes.
After an hour though she quietly slipped out of the room and walked quickly towards her quarters. She was exhausted. The last few days had been exhausting, both physically and emotionally and the fact that she hadn’t been able to sleep much didn’t help the matter.
Her mind drifted back to one of her last conversations with the Admiral. Like Chakotay she h had noticed that the admiral read out only 21 names and had asked her older self about it.
“I've expected that question.” The Admiral said with a smile as she sat down on the couch.
“So what´s the answer?”
“What about the temporal prime directive?”
“It’s a little late to be thinking of that isn’t it?”
“You’re right.” The Admiral responded and looked at her younger self.
The Captain returned the gaze. She had been a little shocked during her dealings with her older self. She didn’t recognize herself. Not that the physical differences were so big, she looked older which, after all, she was. It was more her attitude that frightened Kathryn, and the apparent lack of emotion. So this is what I become, she thought to herself.
“Look”, the admiral said suddenly, almost jumping out of the sofa and heading for the viewport.
“You don’t need to hear any more details about my past. But I suppose you deserve to know a little more about my motive.
Things changed on Voyager, people changed. Some of those changes are already happening.”
Kathryn’s mind went unbidden to Chakotay and what she had heard about him and Seven. She also thought about how much Neelix was missed.
The Admiral sighed, knowing full well what was going through her younger self’s mind. She continued in a softer voice.
“It took me 23 years to fulfill our promise to get the crew home but in the process I lost every chance I had of living a full life.” She shook her head and let out a little laugh.
“We thought we had time, with Justin with Mark, with…circumstances never seem to be on our side do they?
I’m giving you the opportunity I never got, to have a life aside from that of being the captain of Voyager. I’m giving you the opportunity to have it with the one person we both know we’re meant for.”
Kathryn started shaking her head. “It’s too late for…”
“It’s not too late!” The Admiral almost cried out. She took a deep breath and said in a calmer voice. “Believe me, I've had ten years to think everything over, trust me when I say that it isn’t too late.”
Kathryn sat down on the couch, trying desperately to take all this new information in. Finally she said.
“So 21 crewmembers died. The 22nd was…”
“Was me…is us. Don’t get me wrong, I’m here as much for us as for the others but…after all those years of thinking only of others I figured it was time I thought of my own future, your future that is.”
That had been the end of their conversation, things had happened fast after that and she hadn’t had time to think more about what everything meant.
And if her conversation with Admiral Paris over the Comm was any indication, it would be some time before she really could think things through. No doubt their would be a big hoopla once Voyager arrived at Earth.
Funny, she thought to herself, she had imagined this moment so many times. Not once had she imagined it like this. She had imagined herself laughing, crying, being ecstatic, everything. The one constant in all those daydreams had been Chakotay. He had always been beside her, whatever she was doing.
Chakotay.
Just the thought of him made her let out a big sigh. She had no idea where he was. Their last conversation had been so…heated. So full of emotion, and yet…and yet there was so much more still left unsaid between them.
He had said that he loved her. He loves me she thought. She had a bit of a hard time believing him. She had really been terrible to him lately. They had drifted apart, she supposed it was no ones fault, well alright, it was a little her fault. But she was just so tired, being friends shouldn’t be so tiring…
Her thoughts were interrupted by a buzz of the door chime. She knew who it was. What would she say to him? Where had he been?
“Come in.” She called and watched the door open to his form.
He had changed out of his uniform into loose fitting pants and a T-shirt.
He stopped just inside the room and they stared at each other.
“Kathryn.” He said in almost a whisper. And she felt her throat constrict again.
She took a hesitant step towards him then stopped. He reached his hand out to her and said her name again. No one could say her name like he could she briefly thought as she closed the remaining distance between them and threw herself at him their arms wrapping around each other in an embrace.
They hugged each other tightly for a while until Kathryn drew back to look at Chakotay. Her hand softly caressing his cheek.
“Where have you been?” She whispered.
“First I went to correct something in astrometrics and then I went to the holodeck on a vision quest.”
“How did it go?”
“Which one?”
“Both.” Kathryn asked hesitantly.
“Alright…I got some clarity in both cases.”
“Good.”
“Kathryn, I…I want to apologize. I really don’t know what came over me. Well, a lot of things came over me. But the bottom line is it didn’t really mean anything. It was…a fling. I love you. It’s always been you.”
Kathryn felt tears once again threaten to pour and she once again snuggled her head against Chakotay´s chest. Content for the moment to just be there.
They would talk it out eventually. They would straighten everything out.
But for now they both wanted to just be.
THE END
