His mouth was moving but she couldn’t hear what he was saying, didn’t want to hear. She didn’t say anything to stop him, didn’t tell him to shut up and get out. She just let him talk. And she sat there staring at him, trying not to cry.
“Kathryn… Kathryn”
His voice finally reached her and she shook her head to clear the fog that had gathered there.
He was looking at her, so many emotions on his face, worry, sorrow, nervousness. Hmm, Chakotay nervous, that was something she hadn’t seen often.
“Why are you hear?” she asked, her voice a little ragged. The tears were so near.
“Well I…”
“No don’t tell me” she said suddenly and got up and began to pace in front of the couch.
What should she say? she wondered silently to herself. She stopped and looked at him and was filled with a will to hurt him, to hurt him as much as he had hurt her. And she would, she decided. She would tell him everything and even though she had over the last two months doubted how well she knew him she knew that that would hurt him.
“Do you have any idea how much you hurt me?” she said “Don’t answer that it was a rhetorical question.” She said as he opened his mouth to speak. What would he have said a voice inside her asked but she ignored it.
“Do you know that I cried myself to sleep practically every night after I found out. Do you realise how relieved I was when we got home just because it meant that I didn’t have to see the two of you anymore. That I didn’t have to see you and know that you had left me. That you were with her. Did you know that Chakotay!”
She was screaming now she noticed. And the tears that she had tried to stop had begun falling down her cheeks unhidden.
She plumped down on the arm chair opposite him. Neither of them spoke. The expression on his face was horrible. The shock and sorrow was almost too much for her to look at.
“And do you know what the worst part is” she said in a quite voice.
It’s that most of the blame is on myself. I keep thinking that if I had only shown you more, done something that might have given you some idea of the depth of my feelings you wouldn’t have…
But I was afraid. So afraid of so many things.
Do you know I had a dream once years ago. In it I told you I loved you and it was like I had literally opened up a can of worms and it was terrible. I know it was just a dream but you’ve always told me that dreams are important…”
She was exhausted. She had meant to hurt him and she knew she had. But she had told him more than she had meant to. Opened herself up to him in a way she had never done with anyone before. Now they were at each others mercy.
He stood up and walked slowly towards her and knelt in front of her. She looked at him and noticed the tears in his eyes wondering if he was aware of them.
With a shaking hand she reached out and wiped away the tears from his cheek and held her hand there. He closed his eyes and leaned into her touch.
“I should just punch you” she said
He opened his eyes and smiled a small smile.
“If it would make you feel better”
“No…I don’t think it would”
“So?”
“So what?”
“What do you say about my proposal?”
She looked confused
He smiled “Were you even listening to a word I said?”
“Not really, give me the abridged version.”
“I said that I've been a fool and that I hate myself for what I did, and that I could say that I was taken over by aliens because that’s what it felt like. I wasn’t myself. She asked me once, and it wasn’t even a date, at least not for me. But then she asked me more and more and suddenly they were dates and I didn’t know how it had started or how to end it. And one evening just a day or two before we got home she made me dinner, home cooked and everything. She told me she had asked you what foods I liked. You had mentioned my favourites, mushroom soup, vegetarian lasagne and all those that we’ve eaten on our dinners together. But she didn’t make any one them, she made something else entirely and all through dinner all I could think about was you. How you knew exactly what I wanted and liked and it was like I found myself again and all I wanted to do was to leave the dinner and run to you and be with you. But I never got the chance, any minute I had alone with you was all business and before I knew it we were home and you disappeared.”
“That was the abridged version?” she asked with a smile.
“Yes, I could go on all day about how much I love you. But the bottom line is I do and if you forgive me I would like to be with you, forever.”
She couldn’t speak, wouldn’t have known what to say. Instead she bent down and kissed him on the lips. A light feather of a kiss but it sent sparks through both of them. Their faces mere inches apart.
“Kathryn” he said his voice thick. That was all it took in a flash their arms were around each other, lying on the floor kissing each other hard and passionately.
Their intertwined bodies rolled across the floor. Kisses were mingled with tears, clothes were ripped away and bodies were fused together, grinding against each other, frantic to close the last distance between them.
And then the distance was closed, the last barriers were broken. They rocked against each other in a frantic pace almost shouting each others names, their throats soar and voices hoarse and thick. They came almost simultaneously groaning and screaming. Later they would laugh about how loud they had been, it was unlike them both they said but they each enjoyed it, so much in fact that they began another tryst, slower this time, giving themselves time to get to know the others body. And that time they even made it to the bed.
* * * *
Hours later Kathryn awoke to the most delicious smell. She wondered briefly where it came from and then she realised, he had made coffee! She smiled and sat up in the bed as he came in holding the tray.
Taking the steaming cup from him she smiled as he sat down next to her on the bed.
“You know” she said, “we have to talk some more.”
He nodded
“I know”
She looked at him and smiled slightly, “Where are you staying?”
“Actually I don’t have my own place, so far I've been living in the quarters Starfleet gave me, I haven’t been able to find anything else.”
“Well I know a place nearby, if you’re interested.”
“Where is it?”
“Here. If you’re willing.”
He looked stunned and she smiled at him.
He was silent a little too long because her smile faded and she began retracting what she had said but he stopped her by kissing her.
“There is nothing I want more Kathryn. I was just shocked that you proposed it so soon.”
“Well as I see it we’ve waited long enough, we broke the last barrier a little while ago, there’s nothing we can’t do now.”
He smiled a breath taking smile and gave her fierce hug.
“You’re right my love.” He said and scooted onto the bed with her.
“So” she said “What do you want to do now?”
THE END
