We were on the bridge, but everything was far from normal. I was in inner turmoil: I had a head ache that could match the ones Kathryn has, and it felt like my stomach was doing somersaults.
Things had gone wrong, so very very wrong. I had never meant for it to go so far, but I guess that’s how life is sometimes. One thing leads to another and you often can’t trace events until afterwards, so that you rarely know what’s going on at the time.
Before chaos descended on my life, I thought that I had a reasonable grasp on reality and myself. I was wrong.
It wasn’t only my turmoil that was unusual that day however. We had just finished our journey, catapulted home with a little help from an older Kathryn from a different timeline. We were home.... or at least two measly light-years away.
Tom was in sickbay being introduced to his daughter, so I was at the helm. Truth be told I was glad Kathryn asked me to pilot the ship, as it gave me something to focus on. If she hadn’t told me to take the helm, I honestly wouldn’t have known what to do with myself. It was hardly a time to just sit calmly in my chair staring in front of me. By piloting the ship I was freed from the hard decision of what to do: give Kathryn a hug like I wanted to do, or give Seven a hug which, I really should do. We had been on what I think were dates and she certainly seemed to think we were dating. And truth be told, I had done nothing to make her think differently. Still, I would much rather have given Kathryn a hug than Seven…
On the other hand, I could just skip both of them and give Harry a pat on the back. Or maybe I should give Tuvok a big goodbye kiss!
Despite everything, I was aware of the fact that I hadn’t been freed of the decision; I had only been given a little more time.
So I sailed us home. It wasn’t until thirty minutes later, when we nearing the first Federation outpost we had seen in seven years, that I felt a light touch on my shoulder. It was Kathryn.
“Chakotay, I think it’s fitting that you sit in your regular chair for this,” she said, her face smiling a little but remaining serious.
I nodded and gave her a small smile. Passing the helm over to Baytart, I managed to catch his glance before turning. We smiled at each other.
Turning around, I came almost face to face with my two choices: Kathryn and Seven.
Kathryn was half turned away me looking down at the floor, she wouldn´t meet my eyes. Seven on the other hand was looking at me with nervous eyes her shoulders tensing slightly as I turned around.
I froze for a second, not sure what to do, but I quickly realised that if I had smiled at Baytart I could -- and should-- smile at Seven. So I did. Not a big smile, but a smile nonetheless. She returned it, but she did not lose her nervous look.
I sat down in my chair... and that was when it happened.
Over the years it had become a habit for me to glance over at Kathryn occasionally while we were on the bridge. Sometimes she would catch my gaze, and we would hold it for a second; and other times she wouldn’t.
This time she didn’t. She probably hadn’t even noticed me looking at her. She was sitting with her hands folded neatly in her lap, her eyes looking down at them. A strand of hair was falling down and I couldn’t see her face clearly. But what I did see shook me. A single tear was falling down her cheek, and there was a slight tremble to her lips.
I looked ahead for a second and then back at her again, just to make sure I hadn’t been imagining it. I hadn’t. I hesitated, and then before I could think, I moved my hand towards her so that I could gently move the strand of hair from her face and tuck it behind her ear.
Her head shot up, and she looked at me with a mixture of shock and embarrassment. She knew very well that I had seen her tear. Her mouth opened to speak but she quickly shut it again. Then she looked down again, away from my gaze.
I hesitated again, and then made another quick decision. Leaning towards her I asked for a moment with her in her ready room. I claimed there were things that needed to be discussed.
Her head again shot up with a startled expression, she clearly hadn´t been prepared to discuss anything of importance at that moment. But I had already gotten out of my chair and was looking down at her.
She nodded and took the lead towards the ready room.
Entering the room I shot a glance out onto the bridge. My eyes landed on Seven of Nine still standing by the console. And then the door slid shut and just like that it was all clear to me. Just like the sliding door, I shut the door to my past with Seven. And turned to Kathryn.
I opened my arms to her, and the bubble burst. Her arms went around me, gripping my uniform, her face buried against my chest, her gut wrenching sobs seemed to be never ending.
I just stood there, knowing this was all she needed from me right now. And it was all I needed as well. The turmoil, I realised, was gone: no more head ache, and no more somersaults in my stomach.
Eventually the sobs subsided and she started to pull away from me. I pulled back, not wanting to let go just yet. She didn’t seem to mind, so we simply stood there, arms wrapped around each other.
As her face nuzzled against me, she let out a contented sigh. I wondered to myself whether we would be standing there now if I hadn’t glanced at her at the particular moment that I did.
I’m fairly certain that we would have come here eventually, but I am nonetheless grateful for passing glances and sliding doors.
THE END
