I could tell her now. It’s safe, we are under no obligation to see each other, to get along. If her answer isn’t what I hope I´ll just leave and never see her again, except maybe an awkward hello at some function or other.
Where is she? Is she thinking of me? Or is she wrapped up in her joy of getting home, spending time with friends and family. I hope she is happy. She deserves it. And dammit so do I. I realise now that I've been walking around in a daze for…well, a long time. Going about my life in a routine, never thinking about exactly what it was I was doing. And heaven knows I wouldn’t have made some of the decisions I've made if I had been aware of myself and my surroundings.
But it’s too late to change anything, all I can do is try to set it straight, set my life straight. For the first time in way too many years I have complete control over my life. I have no obligations to anyone but myself, no one expects anything of me. It’s a good feeling.
But I find that to have that peace that is right around the corner I need to see her, need to know exactly how she feels. There won’t be any protocol or duty to stand in our way of being totally honest with each other. That is the one thing we’ve missed in our friendship; true honesty.
But I am hesitant. What if the need to see her has nothing to do with a deeper feeling. Maybe it’s just a hangover from our days on Voyager when I saw her everyday?
That sounds wrong the minute I think it. I saw many of the crew everyday and I don’t miss them that way.
No, there is something more with her, a closeness and those rare moments when we really connected, when I thought I saw something in her eyes, and was sure it was visible in mine. That is more than just a hangover, that could be love…that is love.
So now all I have to do is see her, if her reaction to me is promising I will tell her. Kathryn trusted her gut feeling a lot and this time I am too and it’s telling me that I will know her answer the second I stand face to face with her.
TO BE CONTINUED!!!!!
