It’s been called an odyssey, comparable to all the other major events of this century but for me it was just my life, my purpose. If you want to get dramatic you could even call it the reason for my existence. And now it’s over, the crew is scattered about and the ship is in dry dock getting a seven year late refit. It’s over, everybody is gone. And so is he.

I don’t know where he is or with who. I don’t know if I want to know. It’s strange, I've kept in touch with all the other crewmembers, spoken over a comm-link, had lunch with them and so on. I even had dinner with Harry Kim and his parents, it was lovely. But with the one who was my closest friend on the ship I have had no contact with what so over. I keep wondering why that is, what it means. Is it because we were only friends on Voyager because we were the command team, is that the only reason we became friends and if that’s so, is that friendship gone now?

No. I know that is wrong the minute I think it. So why is it?

My feelings for Chakotay are jumbled; on the one hand he was and is my friend. On Voyager he was my best friend aside from Tuvok. And those friendships were very different. I couldn’t laugh and joke around with Tuvok. But that’s not the only reason. There was something else with Chakotay, a closeness right from the start that I couldn’t explain or avoid, although I tried.

I can honestly say that I love him. But I don’t know if it is the kind of love you feel for a dear friend or the kind lovers have for each other. I never dreamt about Chakotay on Voyager, not once. But now I dream of him every night. Sometimes the dreams are highly erotic and sometimes they’re not.

I wonder if he thinks of me as well, if he dreams of me. Or are his nights filled with someone else? I don’t want to think about that either.

Maybe I´ll know the answer to all my questions if I see him, see what his reaction to me is, then I will know. And if I don’t I´ll ask. It’s safe to do that now. If the answer is wrong I´ll leave and we’ll never see each other again. Except maybe an awkward hello at some function or other.

So that’s what I´ll do. I´ll find out where he is and I´ll go to him. And then we’ll take it from there.

THE END