Disclaimer: Star Trek Voyager and it's characters are the

property of Paramount.

No infringement is intended.

In light of recent tragic events in my personal life...I

needed something that would help me deal with the loss of a sibling. This story is that therapy, and a result of that loss.

I dedicate this story to my loving brother, Jack, who always thought his baby sister was weird cause she's a trekkie, but loved her anyway.

Heavy tissue alert!

The Hands of Time (Brian's Song) music by Michel

Legrand, lyrics by Alan & Marilyn Bethisrgman.

If the hands of time, were hands that I could hold,

I'd keep them warm and in my hands they'd not turn cold.

Hand in hand we'd choose the moments that should last;

the lovely moments that should have no future and no

past.

The summer from the top of a swing

The comfort in the sound of a lullaby

The innocence of leaves in the spring.

But most of all the moment when love first touched me!

All the happy days would never learn to fly,

until the hands of time would choose to wave

"good-bye"

It had started as what seemed like a dream. Kathryn

would awaken suddenly to find that she was in her quarters on board Voyager.

This continued for two weeks straight.

On the 14th day, Kathryn exited the turbo lift on the

Bridge. As she passed Tuvok's station he raised an eyebrow. An uncommon

motion on his part when she entered the Bridge. Usually he would give her a nod to

indicate that he acknowledged her presence.

Chakotay had turned to face her when he heard the doors

of the turbo lift open. Again an uncharacteristic motion on his part as well.

As Kathryn came around to her command chair she glanced over at Harry Kim who seemed busy at his Ops station. Just as she looked over, it seemed to her that Harry suddenly put his head down as if he were trying to avoid eye contact with her.

Puzzled by everyone's actions, but saying nothing, Kathryn went up to

Chakotay. "Report?" She asked him.

"Everything is fine, Captain. As far as the ship is concerned."

"Oh? Is there some other problem?"

"Yes there is. Could we discuss it in your ready room?"

"By all means." She said and turned, leading the way to her ready room.

Behind her she was unaware of the look that Chakotay gave to Harry, Tom and

Tuvok as he walked behind the Captain.

Once the doors closed behind them, Kathryn headed straight for the

replicator.

"Would you like some coffee, Commander?"

"No thank you." He said and stood waiting.

She ordered a pot, poured some into her cup and sat at

her desk.

"Alright, what is this problem?"

"It concerns a member of the senior staff."

"Go on."

"Well, this person doesn't seem to have been sleeping well lately, And

also seems to be under some kind of stress. The signs of fatigue and

this stress are starting to show in their work performance."

"I see. Has this person shown to be a danger to themself or other

members of the crew?"

"Not yet, but if the person in question doesn't get some

help soon, it could lead to an error in judgment and perhaps a serious

accident."

"Who is it? Perhaps I could have a talk with them and have them

see the Doctor for some help."

At this Chakotay shifted uneasily in the chair before her desk.

"Commander?"

"The person in question is you, Captain." He had been hesitant in

saying it, but he knew it had to be said. Chakotay visibly took a

deep breath as he spoke the words. Now he seemed to hold it as he

waited for Janeway's reply.

Kathryn leaned back in her chair. She'd just taken a sip

of her coffee when Chakotay made his pronouncement.

"I see." was all she said for the moment. She knew he

was absolutely right.

"I suppose Tuvok pointed this out to you?"

"He didn't have to. It's been pretty obvious for at least a week

now that something is wrong. I know you've been tired. You even

admitted to me that you hadn't been sleeping well. You need to talk to

someone. Get whatever is bothering you out of your system."

Kathryn gave him a rueful smile. "I wish it were that simple. To be

honest, I don't know what's wrong. I've been having the same

dream, as far as I can remember, for the past two weeks. It keeps

waking me up, then I can't go back to sleep. The strange thing is,

I don't really remember the dream."

"Maybe you need to get in touch with your spirit guide again.

It has been a long time."

Kathryn leaned toward her desk and held her hand across

it, reaching for Chakotay's hand. She grasped it as he offered it, and

smiled sadly at him.

"Somehow I don't think speaking with my spirit guide is going

to help me with whatever this is. But you're right I should visit the

Doctor. Maybe he can help me figure out what is going on."

"Sounds like a good idea." Chakotay said as he began to

stand up.

Kathryn too, stood. "Chakotay. Until further notice your in command.

Your right, I'm not really in any shape to be in charge right

now. Until the Doctor can figure out what is wrong with me or treat me,

I'll consider myself relieved of duty."

"Okay. You going to go to Sickbay now?"

Kathryn yawned. "I think it might be a good idea, don't

you?"

Chakotay smiled. "Yes I do. I'll inform Tuvok that he's

acting second in command."

"I'll tell the Doctor to let you know what he finds if

anything."

"Okay. I hope your alright, Kathryn."

"So do I." She said as the two exited her ready room

together.

When Kathryn entered Sickbay, she found that the Doctor

was already activated.

"Can I help you, Captain?" He asked her.

"I hope so, Doctor. I've been having some difficulty sleeping, and I seem to be under more stress than usual." "I see. Is it that your mind is racing preventing you from relaxing enough to fall asleep?" "Actually, no. My mind is blank. I just lie there in bed and can't go to sleep. I don't know why." "How long have you been having this problem, Captain?" The holographic Doctor asked. "About two weeks now." "I see." The Doctor said somberly as he scanned Janeway with a medical tricorder. A moment later, he ran the tricorder over her again. "Is something wrong, Doctor?" She asked him. He looked up at her. "I'm not really sure, captain. I am finding that there is more seratonin in your brain than there should be. It could be due to the stress, but the levels are abnormally high." "Are they? What is causing it?" "I don't know. I want to perform some tests, Captain. Perhaps I can get some answers for both of us." "Very well. I've left Commander Chakotay in command, so I won't be needed on the Bridge." "Good. I'm glad to hear you had enough sense to relieve yourself of duty." Janeway gave him a wry smile. The Doctor retrieved a gown from a cupboard and handed it to Janeway. "Would you please change into this, Captain?" Taking the pro-offered gown from the Doctor, she nodded and slid down from the bio-bed to a small changing room. A short time later she emerged, and returned to the bio- bed. "Would you please lie down, Captain." the Doctor asked. Janeway complied. The Doctor decided after he'd completed the tests to give Janeway a mild sedative to help her sleep. Sleep came quickly to her with the sedative's help. Within two hours, she began dreaming. It was the same dream she'd been having for the past two weeks. The dream she couldn't entirely remember. The Doctor watched her brain activity on a monitor, and became alarmed when it suddenly peaked. He looked over to the bed she was on, and saw her sit bolt upright. Now, wide awake. He immediately went to her side. "Captain, are you alright?" He asked her. For a moment she was confused and disoriented. Then her mind seemed to focus, and recognition returned to her face. "Doctor. I was having the same dream, or nightmare that's been disturbing my sleep." "Can you tell me about the dream, Captain?" Again she looked at him as though she was looking through him. Then she shook her head. "I'm sorry, Doctor, but I just can't remember anything about the dream, only that it was disturbing and prevents me from getting a good night's sleep." "Perhaps I should call in Commander Tuvok, and ask him to perform a mind meld on you. Maybe then we can get to the bottom of this." "Are you sure?" "I don't recommend mind melds lightly, captain, but in your case I think it's the only way we are going to find out exactly what is going on with you. With Tuvok's help we'll know what it is you've been dreaming that is so disturbing that you can't remember it." The next night, the Doctor again gave Kathryn a mild sedative. Within a short time she was asleep. The Doctor had spoken to Tuvok earlier in the day, and now informed him that the Captain was asleep. Tuvok arrived in Sickbay a short time later. "How long must we wait, Doctor." He asked. "I can't say exactly. Last night the nightmare began about two hours after she had fallen asleep." "Then you believe that tonight the pattern will repeat itself?" "Yes, I do." "Very well, then I will wait until the time when she should be going into REM sleep, and I will do the meld then." "Fine. Just be careful." "I am always, careful, Doctor." Tuvok told the CMO. "I'll be monitoring the Captain and will inform you when she's about to enter REM sleep." "Very well." Tuvok said and left Sickbay. After he left the Doctor turned. "Seems, all we can do now is just wait." He said to the air. Within about two and a half hours after Kathryn had fallen asleep, she began to dream...Her REM pattern began to show on the Doctor's equipment. "Doctor to Tuvok...The Captain has entered REM." "On my way." Minutes later Tuvok met with the Doctor outside Janeway's quarters. Tuvok entered his security code that opened Janeway's door... He ordered low lighting and he and the Doctor approached Janeway's bedroom.. There she slept, fitfully...she was obviously having that nightmare again... The Doctor walked over to make certain she was in a deep sleep, then motioned to Tuvok...The Vulcan sat beside Kathryn's head and placed his hands on her face, and began the ritual that would bind their minds together... Her dream was a sorrowful one...why she couldn't remember it became clear to Tuvok as he shared it with her... She didn't want to remember it, because of the deep pain it caused her.. The next morning, Kathryn went to Sickbay... "What did Tuvok see in my dream?" she asked the Doctor. "Are you sure, you want to know?" He queried. Kathryn nodded her head..."It's been driving me crazy, having this horrible dream that wakes me from a sound sleep so that I can't go back to sleep, and yet, I have no memory of what it was I was dreaming...so, yes, I would like to know what Tuvok saw in my dream." "Very well." the doctor said, picking up a Padd... "It has to do with your sister." "Phoebe? What about her?" "When we were in contact with that communications array, did you receive any mail from your mother?" "No, of course not...I got a Dear John letter from my former fiancˇ, Mark Johnson...that was all. He told me he'd met someone and married." "I see." "Why?" "According to Commander Tuvok, in your dream you've been given the news that your sister has died. And you have apparently taken it quite hard. I would surmise that you and your sister were very close." Janeway stood in front of the Doctor, dumbfounded... "As a matter of fact, Phoebe and I have never gotten along very well. We were always at each other when we were children, and I can't honestly say that we were ever close, even now." "Really? How odd. Then why would your dream make you so uncomfortable that you block it from your conscious memory?" "I don't know." "Until I'm able to make more sense out of this, Captain, I'm relieving you of duty for the next few days." "But why? I'm perfectly fine." The Doctor nodded his head. "No your not. Your very stressed, whether you realize it or not. Your complexion is pale, suggesting severe fatigue, and I've been informed that you have not been eating well. You need some time off. I'll inform the Commander. I would recommend that you either go to your quarters and get some more rest, or use the holodeck for some entertainment. You need something to help you relax." Shoulders slumping, she said, "Alright. I guess I don't have much choice, do I?" "No you do not." "I'll try to think why I would be having such dreams, but I doubt there's any clear answer." "We'll see." The Doctor told her as she left Sickbay. Kathryn returned to her quarters and thought over what the Doctor had told her. Her relationship with Phoebe had never been a smooth one, but one fact remained, they were sisters. They had the same parents, grew up in the same house. Phoebe had saved Kathryn's life, in a manner of speaking, after the death of their father and Justin. But despite that, they still argued with each other whenever they were together. Kathryn began to wonder how she really felt about Phoebe. Was there sibling love or rivalry, or both. She was still feeling tired and decided to lie down for a while to see if she could take a short nap. Before long Kathryn was sound asleep. Her sleep was deep. A short while later a small white light appeared and hovered over Kathryn's sleeping form. *I'm so sorry Captain. I never meant to cause you such pain and anguish, but there was just no other way I could relay the message to you.* The entity aimed it's thought at Janeway while she slept...would she remember it when she awoke was another question. When Kathryn did wake up about two hours later...She didn't feel as refreshed as she'd hoped. Perhaps the Doctor was right about the stress having gotten to her. Why did she feel like she'd never gone to sleep at all? It was a mystery that was beginning to worry her. She got out of bed and went to the replicator, ordering a cup of coffee. She then sat and began to drink. Her door chime sounded and she answered. "Come in." "Hello, came a familiar voice." "Chakotay...I wasn't expecting to see you." "Obviously." he said, nodding towards her. It was to indicate that she was still in her nightwear. She wasn't even wearing a robe. "Sorry." "That's okay. Your off duty, and I know that the Doctor gave you orders to try and get some rest." Kathryn gave him half a smile. "I think he was right to relieve me of duty. I slept for a while, but I still feel exhausted. I don't know why." "Really? What did the Doctor say? Is there a serious problem?" "His scans didn't show anything. He says he thinks it's just a severe case of stress. I suppose he's right. I'm still having that strange nightmare that I can't remember. Tuvok did a mind meld, and said that the dream was about my sister Phoebe having died. I know that can't possibly be true. Besides why would I dream something like that then block it?" "Good question. I'm sure there's some reasonable explanation for it." "I certainly hope so. And I hope one is reached soon. This is really taking it's toll on me. I know my appetite isn't what it usually is. My uniform is starting to hang on me. Even the Doctor pointed out that he knew I haven't been eating well." "I tell you what, even if the Doctor says it's okay for you to return to duty in a few days, if you feel you need more time, take it." "Thank you Chakotay, I appreciate that." She said, reaching over and taking his hand. "I just might do that. But right now it's a matter of wait and see." "Okay. I'll let you get back to that nap if you'd like." He told her, getting up from his seat. "Okay. But I think I'll replicate something to eat, and maybe go through a few reports I've been neglecting. The Doctor relieved me of duty, but he didn't say anything about not following up on reports." Chakotay smiled. "Don't over do, okay? See you later." And he left. Kathryn did as she had told Chakotay and had a small snack, then returned to her bed. She lay down and got comfortable, and within perhaps 10 minutes or so, she was breathing softly and sound asleep. Once again the dream came to her...but this time there was a difference. *Captain Janeway. I'm so sorry that I must contact you in this way, but it's the only way I could think of to bring you the sad news...Please, now that Tuvok has shared the message you must try to remember what I am telling you. Your sister, Phoebe became ill about two months ago. When she went to see a doctor they found out that she had contracted a rare illness for which there is not yet a cure. I would have tried to save her, but I don't yet know how. I'm still learning to use the powers I now have. I know this is sad news for you, and I regret that I must tell you in this manner. This is not the kind of gift I would give you if I had a choice, but I felt strongly that you should know about your sister. Your mother voiced her wish that you should know, and I am granting her that wish.* Kathryn awoke suddenly, with a start and sat up in her bed. There were tears in her eyes and rolling down her cheeks. When she looked she found that her pillow was wet from the tears. She remembered the message. That was strikingly clear, because she let out a loud sob that she could not control. After perhaps half an hour, Kathryn finally managed to compose herself somewhat. She then hailed Tuvok. "Janeway to Tuvok." "Tuvok here." came the instant reply. "I need to see you in my quarters as soon as possible." The Vulcan was at his station on the Bridge. Chakotay had been standing nearby as Tuvok gave him a tactical report, and heard Kathryn's hail of the Vulcan Security Chief. Tuvok raised an eyebrow but said nothing as he saw Chakotay nod his assent that Tuvok go to their Captain. "I'll be there shortly." He replied to Kathryn. He then headed for the turbo-lift. "Let me know how she is." Chakotay called to Tuvok. "I shall, Commander." Tuvok replied as the turbo-lift doors closed. Moments later Tuvok stood outside Janeway's door and pushed the chime. She answered immediately, and Tuvok entered the room. "You asked to see me, Captain." He said in his usual way. "Tuvok, thank you for coming so quickly. I need to talk to you." "You seem disturbed by something." "Yes. I had that dream again. At least I think it was that dream. Only this time I remember some of it." "What do you remember?" "Kes was talking to me." Tuvok raised an eyebrow. "Kes?" "Yes. She was the one who told me about Phoebe's death. She told me that my mother wished that I could know that Phoebe had died." "I see." Kathryn had been pacing as she told Tuvok what she recalled from her dream/message. At his questioning of Kes she stopped and looked at him. "You don't believe me, do you?" "I have no reason not to believe you." He told her. "Wasn't that what you saw in the mind meld?" "Not exactly. I saw images of your sister ill and dying then in a coffin, that is all." "Not words, but images?" "Yes." "This time, it was like words being scrolled across a Padd or on a computer screen, but I could hear Kes' voice at the same time. It was an erie sensation." "Perhaps. For someone not used to communicating telepathically." At this, Kathryn found herself smirking. A slight smile came to her lips. "Yes, I suppose your right. Although I've had Telepaths send me images, I've never experienced them sending me words before. It's a rather strange experience." "What did Kes say about your sister's death?" Tuvok then asked. "She told me that Phoebe became ill and was diagnosed with an incurable illness. There was nothing much the doctors could do and she died within two months of the diagnosis. Kes also said that my mother voiced her wish that I should know about Phoebe." "Understandable, now that your mother knows that you are still alive and well." Kathryn turned sadly and went to the couch and sat. Suddenly tears came unbidden to her eyes. Tuvok came up and stood over her. "I thought you had told me that you were never very close to your sister?" Kathryn looked up at her friend. "We weren't. At least not until after our father's death. Did I ever tell you that it was Phoebe who brought me out of the depression I'd gone into. She poured a bucket of ice cold water all over me in my bed. Made me get up and get dressed. Forced me to join the world. I owed her my life because of that." "She was younger than you, was she not?" "Yes. Three years my junior. We fought all the time when we were children. When I was studying Quantum Mechanics or some such thing, Phoebe was playing or doing something else frivolous. She used to drive me crazy. But despite all that, I did love her. She was my sister." "Of course. Despite differences, there is a bond between siblings. It is not just a biological bond." Tuvok then sat next to his friend. Tears were still rolling down Kathryn's cheeks, as she reached out and took Tuvok's hand in hers. "Yes, I suppose there is." "Is there anything I can do?" He then asked. Kathryn nodded. "No. You've already done so much...thank you." "Would you like to be alone?" Kathryn could feel the sensation of grief again begin to overwhelm her. The tears were going to start flowing heavily again and she didn't trust herself to speak. She nodded her head in the affirmative. "Will you be alright?" "Eventually." she managed to croak out. Tuvok then left her. As soon as the doors closed behind him, Kathryn let go what she had been trying to hold in. Her control was gone, and she cried until she felt she had no more tears left. She had pulled her legs up to her and wrapped her arms around them. She rocked back and forth as she cried, wondering how it was she was feeling so much grief for the death of her sister. After a long time, which it turned out was two and a half hours later, Kathryn uncurled herself and went into her bedroom. She lay down on the bed and pulled the covers over her. As soon as she was in a comfortable position, her tears again began to flow. Would she ever be able to stop crying, she wondered. She desperately wanted to sleep, to be oblivious to the ache she was feeling in her heart, but sleep was being elusive. Finally, after not knowing how long, Kathryn felt she had her tears under control, but just couldn't relax enough to sleep. She had closed her eyes and gotten into as comfortable a position as she could, but it wasn't working. In desperation she called out to the computer. "Time!" She asked it. "21 hundred hours and 15 minutes." came the emotionless reply. With that, Kathryn got out of bed and retrieved a robe. She then headed for Sickbay. When she entered, the Doctor was activated and engaged in some kind of research. He heard the doors and responded immediately. "Captain? Is everything alright?" He asked her, then noticed her tear stained face. Her eyes were swollen and red. Obviously she had been crying a great deal. "What is it?" "I had that dream again, earlier. I remembered it this time." The Doctor led her over to a biobed and helped her onto it as she explained to him about the dream or message. "I just want to sleep. I can't." her voice cracked and the tears came again unbidden. "Captain, you've just been given some very disturbing news. Granted it wasn't delivered by conventional means, but all the same it's been a shock to you. You're not going to recover from this kind of grief over night." "I know." She managed, nodding her head. As the Doctor watched his Captain, it seemed as though the woman before him were someone else. Not the strong minded, self assured woman who commanded voyager. This was a woman who was an emotional wreck. She was obviously in very deep emotional pain. "Captain. I'm going to recommend that you take at least the next few weeks off. Leave Commander Chakotay in charge." "What, take a vacation?" "No. You need time to cope with the situation. I want you to take the time to try and come to terms with it. You've been overworked. Your extremely stressed, and now you've just been given news that your sister has died. Captain, It's my medical opinion that you need some time off to recover from this. If not, I hate to think what cold happen." "Like what?" Kathryn asked, sounding nasal from her last crying jag. "This kind of stress could seriously diminish your immune system. If you were to become infected with something, you might not be able to fight it off...even if the bio-filters do manage to catch a contaminant, your system is so compromised right now, if you so much as caught a cold, it could become serious, even developing into bronchitis or pneumonia." Kathryn sat on the bio-bed in silence, listening with half an ear to what the Doctor was telling her. "I see." was all she managed to reply. Without realizing what he was doing, Kathryn sat dazedly on the bed. The Doctor picked up a hypo spray and injected Janeway. "What was that?" She asked, placing a hand to where she had just received the injection. "Something to help with the stress. Consider yourself relieved of duty for at least the next two weeks. I want you to report to me at least once a day. If you don't feel up to it, let me know, and I'll see you in your quarters. Is that understood?" Kathryn nodded mutely. "Yes, Doctor. Is that all?" "For now." "Then can I return to my quarters?" "Yes, you may. You'll find the injection I've given you should aid you in sleeping." "Thank you, Doctor." She told him as she slid off the bio-bed and exited Sickbay. The next three days passed in a blur for Kathryn. For the most part she paced her quarters. She was still having difficulty sleeping. The Doctor was reluctant to give her anything, but when he came to her quarters the third day after relieving her of duty, he realized that something had to be done. "I really don't want to start using sedatives on you, but it doesn't seem like there's much of a choice. Have you still been having the dream?" "How can I dream, when I can't even sleep. I close my eyes, and I find myself just crying. It's like I can't stop sometimes. I'm exhausted, and I feel irritable. Not at all myself." "I understand. I'm glad I relieved you of duty then. You're obviously not fit to command in your present state." "I just wish I could go home." She cried out suddenly, collapsing into a chair, sobbing. "So do I." the Doctor said, softly and almost to himself. He placed his hands on her shoulders, and raised her from the chair. He then led her into her bedroom. "Get into bed, Captain. I'm going to give you a sedative." She obeyed, and within moments of the injection she felt herself begin to fall asleep. A dreamless, hopefully restful sleep. The night passed, and Kathryn woke the next morning, feeling better than she had in weeks. For the first time since she could remember, she felt rested. She even felt in a better mood. She dressed and went to the mess hall for some breakfast. When she entered, later than would have been the norm, had she been on duty, she was greeted by Neelix. "Captain. It's good to see you this morning. How are you?" She gave him a small grin. "Better than I've been in a while. Thank you Neelix. What's on the menu this morning?" "I've got a treat. Commander Chakotay asked for something called French toast, so I looked it up, and decided to give it a try. Ensign Kim had three helpings. I guess everyone liked it." 'Then that's what I'll have too." She told him. "I'm assuming I should also bring over a pot of coffee?" "For the moment, a mug will do." "Alrighty...Have your breakfast in a couple of minutes." The Talaxian scurried over to his galley, and returned briefly with a tray of food, and a mug of steaming hot coffee. He sat the items down in front of Janeway. "Here you go, Captain. Enjoy." "Thank you, Neelix." After her breakfast, Kathryn headed for sickbay. She had to report to the Doctor to let him know how she was feeling. When she entered, B'Elanna was sitting on one of the bio-beds, holding her left arm. "B'Elanna?" Kathryn asked. Torres looked over at her Captain. "Hello, Captain." "What happened?" "Oh, got a little careless with a servo spanner." "Nothing serious, I hope." "No. The Doctor will patch me up good as new. How are you doing?" "Better. The Doctor gave me a sedative last night, and it seems to have done the trick. I feel better than I have in I don't know how long. "That's good to hear." B'Elanna said, as the Doctor emerged from his office. "Captain. I'll be with you as soon as I've taken care of Lt. Torres injury." "No rush." Janeway said as she found a place to sit and wait. When the Doctor had finished ministering to Torres and released her, he addressed Janeway. "So, I assume the sedative helped." It wasn't as much a question as a statement. "I feel more rested than I have in a long time. I wondered if I could return to duty." He eyed her. "It's only been one night, Captain. To be honest, I feel I'm going to need to treat you for depression." "What?" She asked, her eyes widening. "I'm not depressed." "That's the problem. You're not aware of it. You've had difficulty sleeping, loss of appetite, trouble concentrating, and you've been irritable." Kathryn sat, stunned by what the doctor was telling her as the realization of his words began to hit home and she realized what he was telling her was all true. "Is there anything that can be done?" "Yes. There is medication. I'm going to begin administering it to you, but I want to wait a few days before I decide if you're fit to resume your duties and be in command." Kathryn nodded her head. "Understood. Until then, I'm free to do what I like?" "Of course. You don't need to be confined to your quarters. As a matter of fact, it might do you some good to use the holodeck." Kathryn gave a chuckle. "Is that your expert medical advice, Doctor?" She asked him, a twinkle in her eye. "As a matter of fact is, Captain." "Very well, Doctor, thank you." Kathryn said as she slipped of the bio bed and exited Sickbay. The next week passed without incident. Kathryn took the Doctor's advice and used the holodeck, daily. She also began to notice that she wasn't feeling as tearful as she had been, although her sleeping habits hadn't improved much. She returned to the Doctor for an evaluation, hoping he would allow her to finally return to duty. It had now been two weeks since she'd been relieved of duty due to her depression and despondency over the news about her sister's death. "With the exception of your still having difficulty sleeping, I have noticed a marked improvement since I've put you on the anti- depressant." The Doctor told her. "So, can I return to duty?" "Modified. Since you still require a sleep aide, I will inform the commander that either he or Tuvok will have to be on call in your place. I'm sure it shouldn't cause a problem." "How long am I going to have trouble sleeping?" Her desperation evident in her voice. "I wish I could give you a definitive answer, Captain, but I can't. I'm not a counselor, so I don't have any answers for you...or suggestions." The Doctor apologized. "That's alright, Doctor. Your only as effective as your subroutines, and the mission didn't warrant the need of a counselor." "I keep thinking that if it had, perhaps we'd still be in the same situation. After all, the medical staff was killed, what's to say the same fate might not have befallen a counselor if we'd had one." "Thank you for that comforting thought, Doctor." Janeway told him with an ironic smirk. "Sorry, Captain." "It's okay." She told him, putting a hand on his shoulder. "So, when can I go back on duty?" "First thing in the morning." He told her. "Thank you." She said and left. Later that day, Janeway was in the mess hall. She had asked Chakotay for some reports to help bring her up to speed, and was enjoying a cup of coffee while reading through the Padds he'd given her. Neelix had been busy preparing for dinner. Every now and again he would come over with a pot of coffee to refresh Janeway's mug. This time when he came over, she put down the Padd she was reading and leaned back to stretch her back, while Neelix poured the dark brew. Suddenly a thought came to her. "Neelix, you have a minute?" "Of course Captain." He said. Kathryn motioned him to sit, and he took the seat opposite hers. "What is it?" "It just occurred to me, that perhaps I could use your services as morale officer." "Really? How?" "You lost your family in the war with the Hakonnens. How did you cope with it?" Neelix's usually cheerful face, sobered. "It wasn't easy. I was busy trying to clear away the dead. I stayed with the child, Pilaxia, until she died. I wanted to make sure she didn't die alone. I guess it helped me not to think about my own family. After that, I guess I never really did come to terms with it. Became drug addicted. If it hadn't been for my friend Wixeban, I might not be here talking to you. I'd probably have died of an overdose somewhere." "You never talked about it with anyone?" "No, not really. I realized later that was a mistake. I should have talked to someone." "I see." Kathryn said, seeming to be musing over something. "Have you talked to anyone, besides the Doctor, about your sister's death?" he asked her. "I don't mean to pry, but commander Chakotay, and Tuvok have been very worried about you. As a matter of fact, we've all been worried about you." "Oh, Neelix, thank you. I appreciate everyone's concern. Tuvok is aware of the situation. His mind-melding with me, helped me remember the dream I was having. Did he tell you about it?" "No." "Then you don't know." "Know what?" "Kes had been contacting me to tell me about Phoebe. For some reason her telepathic message wasn't coming through completely, which was why I felt like I had been having a bad dream, but couldn't remember it's content. Once I did, I guess I just couldn't quite cope with it." "That certainly doesn't seem like you, Captain. That's why everyone has been so worried." "I know. I think it hit me so hard, because Phoebe was the one who brought me out of a deep depression after our father's death. I guess I just never expected that she would die before me, and not just because she was younger. In my profession, dying in the line of duty is to be expected. If you manage to survive to retire, you can be considered lucky." "I suppose. So even with Tuvok knowing, it hasn't really helped?" "Oh, it helped, but even being able to talk about it doesn't seem to be enough. I guess the fact that I can't get home and get close to the reality itself is what has been giving me trouble. You were able to return to Rynax afterwards." "Yes, but I guess I was so overwhelmed by the total destruction of the Metrion Cascade, I wasn't able to deal with it's consequences." Janeway nodded her head in understanding. "That was how I felt about the death of my father and fiancˇ. I blamed myself for their deaths because I wasn't able to decide which one to save, and they both died. I know now it wasn't my fault. It may not have been possible to save either one of them. I'll always carry that doubt with me, but I can't dwell on it. I've tried not to dwell on Phoebe's death, but I'm having a hard time getting passed it." Neelix reached out a hand. "Time will heal this wound, Captain. Just don't try to rush the healing process. You need time to mourn, and to come to terms with the reality. Being stuck out here on the other side of the galaxy, so far from your home and everything you knew has made it more difficult I know. But your strong, and this will pass." Kathryn smiled a sad smile at the little Talaxian sitting before her. "Thank you, Neelix. I never knew you could be so wise." "I guess life makes us seem that way, doesn't it?" "Yes. It does." Neelix rose. "I'll let you get back to those reports. Can't have the Captain caught off guard on her first day back on duty." Janeway nodded and returned to the Padd she'd been reading when Neelix had come over. The next morning, as soon as Janeway exited the turbo- lift, she heard "Captain on the Bridge". It was Tuvok making the announcement. The Bridge crew came to attention. Chakotay was smiling as she approached. Tom, and Harry were both standing tall at attention. As she approached Chakotay and her command chair she gave the order. "At ease everyone, before you sprain something." She looked over at Ops and saw Harry Kim give her a wide grin. Paris smiled and returned to his seat at con. Chakotay sat as Kathryn did. "Good to have you back." He told her. "It's good to be back. The Doctor said that you and Tuvok have worked out which one of you will be on call at night." "That's right. No need to worry. We want you to be able to get a decent night's sleep and continue to recover." Kathryn smiled. "Thanks, I appreciate your concern." She told him, placing her hand over his. "I think I'm on the way." "You certainly seem to be. You look a lot better than you did a couple of weeks ago." Kathryn gave her First Officer a smile. "Thank you for that." Chakotay smiled back, his dimples deepening. "You're welcome." As the next few days and weeks passed, and turned into a month, then another...Kathryn began to realize that while she still was having some difficulty sleeping, she wasn't as prone to crying jags as she had been. Perhaps that meant that she was improving. The Doctor still had her on anti-depressants. Whenever she would ask him when she could stop taking them, he would tell her, he didn't know, but not yet...she still wasn't ready to be without their help. After having traveled quite a distance for about three months, Kathryn retired to her quarters after a particularly trying day. She was tired, exhausted, but knew sleep would still be elusive...She undressed and prepared to climb into bed...remembering to take a sedative before doing so. Once settled, it wasn't long before the sedative began to work... Then something happened. Something that hadn't happened in two and a half months...she began to have that dream again...only it was different this time... *Captain...I know it's difficult for you when I contact you in this way, but I've been watching Voyager...and you...my dear friend...I hate seeing how much pain Phoebe's death has caused you...so please, loosen your ties for a time...I need to take you somewhere.* Kathryn allowed herself to be embraced by Kes. There was no one she would have trusted more at that moment... On Voyager, an alarm went off in Sickbay..."Doctor to Commander Chakotay...I'm getting a reading that the Captain's lifesigns are failing...Meet me in her quarters, immediately." "On my way." Chakotay replied, running for the turbo lift with Tuvok on his heals... When they arrived, the Doctor had overridden the lock command and was bent over Janeway's prone form...Tuvok and Chakotay came to the doorway.. "How is she?" "I've had to attach a neuro stimulator...If I hadn't she'd be dead." "What happened?" "From the readings I'm getting, there is absolutely no brain function. She's brain dead." "How can that be, Doctor?" Tuvok asked. "I don't know. There's no evidence of stroke, or brain injury, or infection. I'm at a total loss. But I need to transfer her to Sickbay at once." "Understood." Chakotay replied and issued the order to Harry. Kes took Kathryn to Earth...To the cemetary where Phoebe was buried. *You need this Captain...say goodbye to your sister.* Kes told her. Kathryn stepped away from Kes, and stood in front of the grave marker with her sister's name on it. Staring at the name...Phoebe Janeway Born 2338, died 2378. 40 years..Phoebe had only lived 40 years...Even their father had been older than that..in his late 50's at the time of his death...His grave was neighboring Phoebe's. It had been meant to be their mother's grave...not one of her children's. Kathryn was only aware of the surroundings Kes had brought her to...she had no inkling as to what was happening to herself aboard Voyager...Kathryn felt she was on Earth, home, in the Alpha Quadrant...Not aboard Voyager, lost in the Delta Quadrant, and she was certainly not aware that she was dying. The Doctor kept vigilent watch over Janeway's body. He checked her vital signs every 15 minutes or so, hoping there would be a change..but there was none. Only the machines were keeping Kathryn Janeway alive. She was already gone, from a medical and scientific standpoint. While Kes stood a distance away, Kathryn began to speak to Phoebe..."Why? I wish I could have gotten home to you. I think mama would have taken the news of my death more to heart...but you, Phoebe...I wish I could have said goodbye, but this will have to do. Although we always seemed to be at each other, I guess you know I loved you with all my heart, and I will miss you. More so now. You probably were the one who kept telling mama that I was alive out there somewhere, trying to get my crew home. I still am, I'm trying so hard. I just wish you could have had the time to wait for me. I'm so sorry. Good-bye Phoebe." With that said, kathryn turned and walked towards Kes. Suddenly she had a strange sensation. She then realized that everything was becoming white and she could no longer see. She heard Kes' voice in her mind. *Don't worry, Captain...you'll be safe shortly...I promise...you'll get home soon.* After that Kathryn wasn't aware of anything. She began to open her eyes. She felt as though she'd been sleeping for a very long time. As her vision began to clear and her surroundings came into view, she saw the worried faces of the Doctor and Tom Paris hovering over her. She was on a bio-bed in Sickbay, and the panel was closed over her. "What's going on?" She asked, almost not recognizing her own voice, which sounded hoarse. "How are you feeling, Captain?" The Doctor asked her. "I'm not sure." She replied attempting to sit up, but being gently pushed back by her pilot who had been doubling as a nurse since Kes had left them. "Just take it easy, Captain. I'll need to do a full evaluation before releasing you from Sickbay." The Doctor said. "When will that be?" The Doctor looked over at Paris..."Probably tomorrow at the earliest. It's not everyday someone returns from the near dead." "What are you talking about?" "You've been brain dead for the past two days, Captan." Tom explained. "Brain dead? That's impossible." She protested. "Not according to my scans. I was almost ready to pull the plug, so to speak, when you began showing brain activity and breathing on your own again." The Doctor told her. Janeway was dumbfounded. Then she began to remember her journey with Kes. She then began to relax. "Well, if your going to keep me here for observation, do you mind diming the lights. I'm really tired and need to sleep." She told the EMH. "Certainly, Captian. Are you sure, you don't want something to help you sleep?" "No...I'll be fine now." The EMH gave Paris a skeptical look, but ordered the computer to dim the lights. Two days later, Kathryn was back on duty. The Doctor's examination of her showed there was nothing wrong. She no longer required the anti-depressants, and her sleeping habits had returned to normal. Sitting in a corner of the mess hall, drinking coffee and reading through some Padd's with reports, anyone who hadn't known about the past few months of turmoil she's suffered, would never have suspected anything had ever been wrong with Captain Kathryn Janeway. When Tuvok entered, he looked around the mess hall and saw where Janeway was sitting. He immediately walked towards he table. "May I join you, Captian?" He asked when he reached his destination. Kathryn looked up and smiled. "Yes you may. I've missed you, my friend." "As have I." There was a moment when nothing was said, then Kathryn put down her Padd. "You want to know what happpened, don't you?" "Only if you wish to share it with me." He told her. "Kes took me back to Earth. She gave me the chance to say goodbye to Phoebe one last time. At least it was enough to give me closure." "So you are feeling better about the situation now?" Kathryn nodded. "Yes, much better. I'm only sorry that my visit caused such a stir on Voyager. My God, I had no idea I'd died...but other things seemed more important at the time." "Of course. And Kes did return you to us." A broad grin came to Janeway's face. "Yes, of course she did. She knows you need me to get you back home. And we will get home...Very soon, I hope." "As do we all, Captain. I'm glad that the situation is better for you now." Tuvok then rose from his seat...He spread his hand in the Vulcan greeting. "May you live long and Prosper." he said, then left. FINIS