Just a few stories i have written

They came up first into the cafeteria. One of the wetback cooks was like “What in the FUCK?” But by the time she realized what was goin on, they were pulling out her fingernails and giving her papercuts on the bottom of her tongue. They really didn’t even have a reason to, but they were way racist, so ya know…Anywho, the next thing they were looking for were those damn interns.

During one of the caucus periods, they spotted a kid named Josh waving at an intern, then they spotted the intern waving back. This action infuriated them. They wanted to know why she waved at him. She responded “Huh? Who? Oh, no! I just farted and had to waft it out of the way. It REALLY smelled.” This they could understand, so they just made her give them blowjobs and she could leave. She obliged and she left.

These men were on a mission. They wanted nothing else than to keep the rally at Sturgis forever, but Janklow wouldn’t have it. All he wanted to think about was how he could keep the blame of Plankington from his very short shoulders.

They were on the warpath, and as they were goin through the halls, one said “Ooooh, there’s a BLUE tile!” so they shot him. There was a class touring one of these halls, and they heard the gunshot. Well, naturally they were curios, so the brave ones led the meek to find out what was happening. Well, since it was a bunch of underground bikers with weapons and all, they took the kids hostage. Some of the smart/cool kids decided to join forces with them. The others were all forced into taking part in unlubricated anal sex with the enormously hung bikers. Then they were shackled and had to walk backwards. They couldn’t wear shoes either.

Their forces were growing strong and their POWs asses were bleeding. They all walked up the grand staircase and opened fire on the dome. It probably would have been cooler, but the fucking thing is so high the bullets couldn’t hit it. Instead, they just fell out of the sky, as if a messenger from God Almighty himself and hit JUST the POWs on top of the head, killing most instantly, but some were unfortunate enough to just bleed some more. The number of POWs was down to 7, they were dropping like flies.

Meanwhile, Janklow was babbling incessantly about nothing for the 4th straight hour. The balding Rep’s combovers were standing up, the old guy in front was finished with his ice cream, the asskisser next to him was picking his nose and scratching his balls, even the Lt. Governor was so bored, it looked like her skinny ass was dead. She had been sleeping for like 45 minutes, only waking up when a young female intern came into the room, her pheromones awaking her lesbian fantasies, transporting her to an island of ecstasy you could only find in your mind because no place actually existed on the face of this earth.

One day I was hanging out with Drew, and all of a sudden.........

there was this flash of lightning. it wasn't just any lightning either, it was a special red lightning. i looked at him, and asked him if he knew what this meant. he said no, so i filled him in on the secret prophecies that tell of a certain day in the last year of the earth. they told of a red "monster" that would come out of the sky, and kill anybody, and anything in its path. this was it. then there were fires, and flooding (caused by the gravety of the moon being out of whack), and there were also the terrible periods of time that the sun wouldnt show its face. the moon had its time to shine. it wasnt gonna let it get away from him. then out of nowhere, came the green star. you wanna know the funny thing about the star??? it could control people, and machines, kinda like that one movie, Maximum Overdrive, only not as scary... well, it had its turn to shine also. next, i can't forget to tell you about the aliens that came along too. these werent gree, OR purple. they were orange. yes, thats right....ORANGE aliens. well, they liked Tang®. since it gave them the essentials needed for their life and all. but they drank that stuff like it was going out of style. they drank so much of it, they ran the world out of it, there wasa NONE left for them or anybody, and so we embark on the great tang adventure. they looked high and low, tang was nowhere to be found. they drilled for it and everything. hell, they eveen mined for the shit! anyways, there was no tang to be found inhabiting the planet, so they made self reproducing tang, a tang that could mate with itself to make MORE TANG! dont ask where they found tang, but they did, i think they had it imported from quasing, the alien sun, but thats a different story right there. anywho, this tang was like none other. it could reproduce like fucking rabbits, ok? pretty soon, there was so much tang, earth wasnt known as the water planet, it was the orange planet. and it wasnt in the powder form either, being as the planet WAS like 76% water and all, it all turned to the juice. it was fun for a while, but then we lost all our wildlife, and the ecosystem went down the shitter. then we all died, THE END!

My friend Jimmy was born on June 3, 1981 in Parkview Memorial Hospital in Maine. He was a normal kid, well, that’s what everyone thought until he popped out of the womb that he had been cooking in for the past 10 months. (he was a little late) Anywho, when all of the ultrasound tests came back, he was thought to be a perfectly normal kid, BUT, that wasn’t the case.

His mother went into labor at about 2 pm, she was there for a long time. Then all of a sudden, the doctor went into the waiting room where his father had been waiting. The doctor had a serious look on his face as he walked in. he sat down and took his hand and said there were some complications in the delivery room. The man grew pale and was asking what went wrong. The doctor told him that Jimmy would be all right, but there was a MINOR problem. The father (Doug) wanted to know what it was, so the dr told him. Jimmy was born with both male and female organs. Doug didn’t know what to think…all he could think was that it would be impossible to pay for the thing to be operated on and corrected, so he told the doc they would just have to live with it.

Well, as most of you know, Jimmy grew up to be a normal human being, only thing was nobody knew there was anything different until that fateful day in 6th grade. It was the first day of PE class and everything was going fine. Jimmy’s team won the game and it was time for the next class. They all went into the locker room to change and shower. Then it happened. He took off his boxers and then he saw the rest of the young boys looking in awe. They had never seen anything like it in their lives. Then he looked at them and noticed he was different. There were rumors about him by the end of the next hour. Nobody knew what to think. They were just amazed. Well about that time, the teacher had heard about what was happening and had Jimmy stay in for recess so he could talk to him about it.

He asked what the DEAL was, and Jimmy told him he was normal, then the teacher asked what he meant by normal. Jimmy explained, and the teacher listened. Then he asked what his parents thought about it. Jimmy told about how they had taught him he was a normal kid and that EVERYBODY was like that. The teacher could understand where they were coming from, so he just said he had better go home and ask his parents about the truth. So he did it.

He went home and asked. They knew the time had come. They told him to sit down and have a little talk with them, so he did as he was told and sat. They told about the day when he was born and how he had been born with both male and female organs, and how they couldn’t afford to have them fixed, so they just left him as he was. THEN they went on to tell him how they were all werewolves and that it hadn’t hit him because of his medical condition. He was totally amazed that they had been able to keep this dark secret from him for this many years.

They apologized and were feeling so guilty. They didn’t know what to do now, but now that it had finally come out, they decided to see that if they could have it fixed. They went to a specialist that dealt with “weird” cases and asked him what he could do. He said it wasn’t the first time he had seen it happen before, but it wasn’t common by any means. He told them there was a surgery he had to go through that could possibly fix anything that was wrong with him, but he would be taking pills for the next 7 years to keep it going in the right direction and all. So the doc did the surgery and everything and cut out what he had to cut and sewed what he had to sew and it was done. Jimmy was a normal boy!!! WOO HOO!!!!!! But he had to be on medication for the next 7 years. That kinda sucked at first but he got used to it. THEN there was yet ANOTHER problem, all the testosterone he was injecting into himself set off the werewolf in him, and he turned into a hairy beast at any sign of a full moon! Now THAT’S gotta suck big time! WELL, that turned out to be the end of his problems as a hermaphrodite, but it opened a whole new can of worms huh?

TBC…

Travis Johnson©

I lived my life as an innocent naïve girl.
Wearing my heart on my sleeve, as people say.
So the day I met him, changed my life forever
He told me that he loved me, which I believed
So when I fell in love with him,
I believed it was real.
The weeks we were together seemed like forever.
So the day I took the test, I thought he’s understand
I thought I’d have his support.
And he did for a while, saying everything would be okay
But when the test came back positive, he was furious.
The look in his eyes when I came out of the office crying,
Told me that nothing was going to be okay.
That night we fought, that night I made a promise.
As he pushed me around
Throwing me around like a rag doll,
I fell down the stairs.
Hitting every step on the way.
I’m surprised I survived.
But the child we had made together wasn’t as strong.
The promise I had made, is the promise I couldn’t keep.
Resulting in two deaths:
One an accident.
The other a regret.

Written by Amanda R. Egan

I was walking home incognito from wrestling practice one evening when suddenly this car comes screeching around a corner and slams on its brakes. It couldn’t stop in time, and I was hit. I wasn’t badly damaged, though my leg seemed to hurt. The injuries were the equivalent to being on a bike and getting backed over by a car, which’s about how hard I was hit. Right now, you’re probably thinking, “How could this be his lucky day?” right? Well, I’ll let you in on that in a few minutes, keep reading. Anyhow, out of the car stepped the most beautiful 15-year-old woman I had ever seen. She was perfect. If you don’t believe in love at first sight, think again, cause it happened to me. But she wasn’t like all the other girls that usually followed me, she was special. And not the mentally retarded kind of special, ok? She didn’t hang on me like all the others did, she just got out and asked me if I was alright. So I told her yes, but I was a little flustered, not to mention hungry. She said as a way of repaying me for her being a bad driver, like most women are, she would buy me any food that I cared to have. To I told her I wanted to eat at P.F. Changs in San Diego, CA. She said she couldn’t do that, but I told her that a promise was a promise, so she HAD to follow through. She realized what she had done and decided that I was right, so she paid for both of the donkeys for the ride out there. (See, she was afraid of flying, and her parents wouldn’t let her take the car for a few weeks, so we had to ride donkeys…) Anyhow, that wasn’t such a bad idea because that gave us some time to bond. But I got the feeling that she was just a little mad at me for making her ride a donkey to CA because she didn’t talk to me the ENTIRE trip. I’m not talking like 2 miles of it, the whole thing.

So that lasted for about 4 weeks and then we got there. It was just as I had remembered it, perfect. We got there just before the lunch crowd was beginning to enter. So we got seated and waited on right away. I ordered my usual Schezwan chicken chow fun and she just got some sweet and sour pork. I love that food. Anyhow, as we were eating, she had an allergic reaction to the food and her trachea swelled up enormously and she died of suffocation. So the love of my life was gone forever. The moral of the story my friends is that I got what I wanted. I wasn’t looking for love, I was just looking for the best chineese food available, and since I got it, it was my lucky day. The End.