IMOGEN MIGHTY MOEN MEAGHER

Kieron and Karin, 24 weeks pregnant. November 2000. We used this photo for our Christmas card for 2000. We asked for good thoughts for Imogen since we knew something wasn't right.

Where to begin?.............. I want to tell Imogen's story by sharing excerpts from the journal I kept while we were together. I plan to work towards making this into a book. This is the beginning. Imogen's life impacted so many. Thousands around the world prayed for her to get better. Candles were lit for her at the Shinto shrines in Japan. Poems were written for her. But her body just couldn't grow fast enough to overcome the damage caused by the ventilator. We had to watch our beautiful daughter, with the impressive spirit and beguiling character, fade away. When she did die, it seemed the whole world felt it. "Even the smallest person can change the course of the future." This page is a work in progress.

Journal Entry - 31 July 2000 Hello New Baby, We have known about you now for a few weeks. It came as a pleasant surprise to learn one week before your brother's first birthday that we were expecting you. I sort of think of it as a birthday present that your brother gave to himself from Heaven. It will be difficult being pregnant with you – just being honest here. You would be our fourth child had all the others lived. Imagine having so many brothers and sisters! I hope we will have more than you, just so that you will not feel alone growing up. But I try not to plan too much into the future. We are here with you now. And hope for more once you are safe with us. Just so you know, my body hasn't been the greatest environment for growing a baby. Still, I hope that you find my womb comfortable and I invite you to stay in it for a while. Your brother did the best of all – remaining within me for 28 weeks and a day before he was born. I was so happy to have that time with him. I just wish it had lasted my lifetime because children are supposed to outlive their parents. I hope for a long and healthy life for you. I hope you enjoy it. It will be hard too, but hopefully your enjoyment of life will help you to cope with the hardships that will inevitably come your way. Pictured: Imogen at her 12 week scan I worry that this long life won't happen though. My worst nightmare to relive is that you will die too. I certainly don't want to get into the habit of begging you to stay – this is not a good way to start our relationship. I want to have confidence in you and in your innate ability to do this yourself. All I can do is try to eat right, avoid dangerous situations and love you. I am your sanctuary, your safe haven. Within this safe space, you must do the work yourself. I find myself wanting to beg and plead for you – either to you or to an outside force of nature whom I wish to influence. But I think this is not a good way to behave. It makes me feel so victimized by our situation. What I want to work towards is a faith in you and your abilities. You have chosen to come to us but circumstances beyond all our control may mean that you have to leave us. I cannot interfere in this process. All I can do is say thank you for coming. We love you deeply. When we saw you on the ultrasound all I could think was that so much promise is held in this tiny, little, few centimetre long blobby bundle of a person with a gloriously solidly beating heart. I wonder who you are?

Journal Entry - 30 August 2000 We saw your heartbeat.......briefly. Just a quick ultrasound at the doctors office. You were there, lying at the bottom of my uterus. I wish we could have seen you in detail, but the machine is just too old. Danny pointed out your heartbeat but to tell you the truth, I couldn't really tell. But I took his word for it and you must still be there because nothing has happened to suggest otherwise. So, we proceed. And yesterday, we had the cervical stitch inserted. We had to get up pretty early - I was up at 5:30am - and then off to the hospital together. It was just myself and another mother having the procedure that morning. I could see that she was quite anxious. We learned that we shared the same due date. She also lost a baby, her son, last year. Rarely does one get a stitch placed unless they've lost a baby. What a way to learn that one is needed. It's not fair. It's hard to have such a painful experience in common with other people. We exchanged numbers. Maybe we will become friends.

Journal Entry - 27 october 2000 We received alarming news about you last Saturday. I am feeling more centered and able to persevere now but last weekend.....no. We learned at our 18 week ultrasound that you were measuring small - between 15 and 16 weeks. The ultrasound doctor scared us dreadfully by suggesting that you may have Trisomy 18, a fatal chromosome problem. We walked away in a hazy daze, feeling the weight of the world grinding us into the ground. How could this happen? How could we be so incredibly unlucky? The likelihood of having this happen seems astronomical after already having the rare problems with Soren. Absurd. Completely Absurd. Or it SEEMS like it should be anyway. The only thing is - it's all random. Our chances are no more or less likely than anyone elses! That is the way that random events occur - one may never have them, or always have them, or occasionally have them - they're random. No one really UNERSTANDS this. And here we are, stuck in the middle of it. We have to decide - do we get an amnioncentisis. I think we know the answer to this already. No, is our answer. Or at least, not yet anyway. I don't want to risk losing you to find out if you are perfect. And Danny agrees, we don't have to do anything. We can wait, wait for you to grow. So we are waiting and waiting, and hoping and hoping. You simply have got to be Ok! Maybe we can look back in 10 years time and tell you the story of your prenatal existence with a smile. But it isn't possible today.

Journal Entry - 11 November 2000 Dear Mighty, We saw you again yesterday. I am trying so hard to remain hopeful for your health. Why are you so small, little one? I feel so tortured and trapped - we know nothing more about you accept that you continue to be small - 3 weeks behind. This is basically the amount you were behind last time so you haven't fallen further behind. But you also haven't made up any by gaining in size. This was my hope - that you would be bigger, closing the gap. Please, could you do this for us? We need your help. We need you to grow more. We need you to be ok. Please? We just so need to move on to another place in our grieving. We need to know the joyful side of childbearing, the side where we live side by side with our children. We need respite, some goodness. We need balance. Not just more and more sadness and torment. We need to experience what most every other family experiences - some normalacy. Some basics. Some even keeling. Not all this layering of tragedy and emptiness. I don't know how to face your absence as well. I love it when you thump and move. I can at least find a small measure of hope and normalacy in being pregnant when you do this. I become just another pregnant person instead of a living coffin. Thank you for doing what you can to help me feel normal. Everyone has so much riding on your life, on your health, on your hereness. Sifu looks forward to a grandson in Tai Chi. We look forward to that too and try to encourage him to think about the possibility of you being a granddaughter in tai chi. Sifu has looked forward to this for years. My mom has looked forward to being your grandma, for a long time now. Years. She wants to do grandma things with you. She wants to take you to the zoo, to make pretty clothes for you. I want this too. Friends want to enjoy your company, and even more so, they want to enjoy ours. They want to squeeze your cheeks and see us mature as a family. Mighty, I am sorry that already, you have so much responsibility to make so many people happy. Its a lot for a little person. I am sorry that you are the one placed in this position. I don't think though, that this will change. We all are ready for you, ready to have you in our lives. I know, you say, "but Mum, I am already here and will always be here. You don't have to wait for me because I am right here." Yes, I am trying to remember........You are right here. Right now. Right Here Now. I'm trying to be here now too.

Journal Entry - 29 November 2000 A couple more hours to go and we will see you on the ultrasound screen again. I wish it was always fun to go, but I am afraid to say, it is not. I did want to write to you though before going - I want you to know how much we love you and pray for your health. I'm trying to down my litre of water beforehand. If you are a girl and healthy, maybe you will one day feel the pleasure of having a bladder full of water with a baby on top. But probably things will be as different for you as they are now between my mothers time and mine. My mother never had any ultrasounds, they didn't exist when she was having babies. She just went in, had her weight checked, her belly measured, her blood pressure checked and was looked over for anything unusual. And that was about it. She just went home assuming all is ok. And for her it was. Now she would have had ultrasounds, been offered prenatal diagnosis, known she was having twins in her first trimester instead of 2 weeks before delivery, like she did with Pat and Peg. (your aunties). She would have probably had two c-sections - one with the twins, and one with me. (I was trying to come out through the side of my head - you would never do that to me right?) Sometimes I wish I was her. All of the worry over you is very overwhelming, very exhausting. It's hard for your dad to get much work done and he feels his publishing will suffer. We've had a couple of weeks break from the ultrasounds which has been good, very relieving. We both have managed to relax and rest from our concerns for you. I went to my chinese herbalist and she was wonderful. She's got us on some herbs that will hopefully help to boost your growth. It is so nice to see her. She is positive and upbeat whereas our doctors are often uncertain and pensive. Their behaviour always makes me feel less hopeful for you. Maybe I am deluding myself but it really helps me to have hope for you. I need positive feedback, not just all bad stuff. I know that being positive has absolutely no effect on a bad outcome, but I guess until there is no hope left, I'd like to try to hang onto some. And as silly as it seems, having someone greet me with a smile and with hope in their hearts really helps me cope. Also, she said that you are probably a girl! I would love to have a girl, but I do so miss your brother and siblings. I wish he was here to enjoy you too. If he were here, we'd have our boy and girl - how sweet that would be.

More coming soon. Thank you for reading.

You are listening to Part Of Your World, from The Little Mermaid

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