10. Ray Miller excuses are down 35%
9. Guy with radar gun measures the speed of things thrown at Albert Belle
8. Shaky lemonade guy tells you to stir it your own damn self
7. Out-of-town scoreboard has only PowerBall winning numbers
6. The unmistakable sound of Donkey Kong coming from Frank Wren’s office
5. Brady’s sideburns are 1/8 inch uneven
4. Microbrew stand stocks only Lenny Dykstra’s Tobacco Juice Lager
3. Ernie Tyler blows off games for bingo night
2. Uncle Teddy’s Pretzels now made by third and fourth cousins
1. Bird shows up in the sixth inning smelling of bourbon
10. Fans see lovable mascot. Calvin Pickering sees drumsticks
9. Expos’ Youppi much more successful despite small-market paycheck
8. Ignorant Philly fans really think you can fly
7. Know-it-all Audobon Society members keep razzing you
6. Getting crabcake grease out of the plumage
5. Asbestos-laden suit gets kinda sticky in the hot weather
4. Front-office likely to bring in the PhilliePhanatic, Sandiego Chicken, or other washed-up has-beens
3. You get shoved off a nine-foot wall and all anyone cares about is Cal’s stinkin’ back
2. Albert Belle Acquisition means you’re no longer the biggest pecker in the organization
1. Incessant teasing from the ornithologically correct bird
10. Doug Johns' Mornin' Munchies
9. Darryl Strawberry's Trix
8. Spit Krispies
7. Peter Angelos' Raisin Salary
6. Not SO CheeriO's
5. Albert Belle's Loco Puffs
4. Rocky's Irrevocable Wafers
3. Oriole Shredded Bullpen
2. Brady's Cap 'N Creatine
1. Ray Miller's Unlucky Charms
10. Grits replaces Creatine in your diet
9. You highlights are always shown first on the Nashville Network
8. The don't let you pay for nothin' at the tractor pull
7. Big "Brady" belt buckle the envy of the clubhouse
6. "Buckaroo" replaces "Dude" in your vocabulary
5. To hell with rollerblades, you're buying a bass boat
4. People in the South think I'm Elvis, not Luke Perry
3. Can more effectively break up double plays wearing spurs
2. You learn that a hoedown isn't an accident at Hooter's
1. You can blame an 0-for-4 game on an achy-breaky groin
10. 48,876 loyal targets every home game
9. Maryland's liberal whuppin' laws
8. $13 million a year pays for a lot of out-of-court settlements
7. East coast photographers run slow
6. No priors or outstanding warrants in Maryland
5. The owner's a lawyer-'nuff said
4. Looking forward to making adjustments to stale city moniker, "The Land of Pleasent Living"
3. Eager to say, "Bite me, hon," to female reporters
2. Spacious clubhouse affords plenty of room for bat-swinging rampages
1. Maryland cork is the best damn cork in the land
10. "Grease" tunes on the stadium organ? That's Cal
9. Clubhouse Yahtzee with George Will
8. Works the press box handing out samples of milk
7. Helps Uncle Teddy roll them pretzels
6. Books gigs for his Esskay Meat Chorus
5. Plans his campaign to be mayor of Baseball City, USA
4. Did you notice the particularly nimble Bird mascot?
3. Sneaks into the Warehouse and unfurls a huge "1" in honor of Ryan Minor
2. Fashions a crude kettle frum out of spare players' cups
1. Goes through the trainer's room asking, "What's all this crap?"
