Two men were going on a trip together. They walked up to the ticket counter at the airport where a very full figured lady was working. The first guy steps up and says, "Excuse me, I need to get two pickets to Tittsburg, please" The lady was furious and began to unleash her fury ranting that all men only had women's breasts on their minds. "I'm sorry lady. I meant to say I need two TICKETS to PITTSBURG."
She called him all sorts of names and the gentlemen eventually got their tickets and walked away. The first guy was continually kicking himself in the ass for the slip of the tongue. "I can't understand it I can't say anything right when I'm around a woman. All I ever do is open my mouth and change feet." The second guy tried to console him and said, "Hey man, lighten up. Don't be so hard on yourself. It happens to the best of us.
Take me for instance, the other night my wife and I were sitting around the supper table. What I meant to say was "Honey, pass the mashed potatoes, please." but, what accidentally came out was: "You ugly bitch, You've ruined my life!"

. One day Superman was getting horny, so he flew down to Superwoman and botabing botaboom. Then he flew away. Superwoman says "What the hell was that?" then the invisible man says "I don't know but my ass hurts"

. Q: What have a chicken and a grape got in common? A: They are both purple except for the chicken

. - A Wiganner was walking along the side of a lake when he came across a funny looking frog. The Wiganner picked up the frog, put it into his pocket, and went on his way. A couple of minutes of walking later, the man heard a cry from inside his pocket, "help, help!" He took out the frog, looked at it, smiled, and put it back into his pocket. Again, "help, help me, a wicked witch has turned me into a frog, kiss me and I'll turn into a beautiful princess". Again the man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and put it back again. Moments later, "Help me, help me, a wicked witch has turned me into a frog, kiss me and I'll turn into a beautiful princess. I'll do anything if you help me, anything!" The man simply took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and put it back again!
The little green frog again screamed out "Help, I'm the most beautiful princess, if you kiss me and help me I'll do anything, marry you, give you money, ANYTHING." The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled and said "I'm a Wiganer so a girlfriend or wife is of no use to me. But a small talking green frog is reet smart."

. Bill goes into a bar and sits down beside a man siting on a stool. After while and a few drinks they introduce themselves and talk it up for another couple of hours. When Bill is ready to go home he ask the guy if he would like a ride but the guy seemingly to have too much to drink just nods his head. Bill picks him up and attempts to carry him out to the car. Them man, we will call him Bert keeps falling down and Bill keeps picking him up. Finally Bill gets Bert to his car, props him up against the hood and opens the door. Bert falls into the car without a problem and Bill hops in and asks where Bert lives. Soon they approach Berts house. Bill stops the car infront of the white wooden fence surrounding the house, gets out, opens Berts door and helps him to his feet. Bert falls down several more times until they reach the stair where he promptly falls flat on his face. Bill can't believe the condition of Bert after only a couple of hours in the bar. Bill helps Bert to his feet, gets him up the stairs and leans him against the wall with one arm on his chest to keep him from falling again. Bill rings the doorbell and Berts wife opens the door and sees Bert propped up against the wall and screams with fright. "Where is your wheel chair?"

. A duck hunter was out one day having no luck. He hunted the whole morning and couldn't get a single kill. On the way home he approached a farm house and flying over the barnyard was a big flock of fat mallards. Seeing his last chance for success, he took aim at what looked like the biggest one and gave it both barrels. The duck fell from the sky and landed in the middle of the barnyard. As he neared the barnyard and the dead duck, the hunter could see he'd got himself a beauty. But when he was a mere 20 paces from the duck, a farmer emerged from the barn, scooped up the duck and headed for his house. "Hey!" said the hunter. "Come back with my duck!" "Your duck?" returned the farmer. "It was laying in my barnyard. MY duck." "No! No! You don't understand! I shot it and it just happened to fall here. It's mine!" shouted the hunter. "Okay, city fella. We'll settle this the country way." said the farmer. "Country way? What's that?" said the hunter. "We take turns hitting each as hard as we can," said the farmer. "Last man standing wins the duck. That is, unless you're yella." "Of course I'm not, " said the hunter. "Country way it is." "Fine, " said the farmer. "Since we're on my property, I'll go first." Hunter: "Suits me." With that, the farmer took a half step back, steadied himself, and kicked the hunter square in the crotch as hard as humanly possible. The hunter screamed like an animal for 15 minutes. He curled up in a ball, turned 3 shades of purple and nearly died. After a full half hour and with considerable difficulty, the hunter straighten up and gasped, "Now... my... turn" The farmer replied: "Nah, I give up. Here's your duck."

. A girl was a prostitute but didn't want her grandma to know. One day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes and the girl was amongst the group. The police had all the prostitutes line up in a straight line. Along comes the grandma and sees her grand daughter. Grandma asks grand daughter, "What are you lining up for." Granddaughter, not willing to let grandma know the truth told her grandma that some people were passing out free oranges and that she was lining up for some. Grandma wanted oranges too, so she went to the back of the line. A policeman was going down the line asking for information from the prostitutes. When he got to the grandma, he was bewildered and asked, "You are so old, how do you do it?" Grandma (thinking he's asking her about how she can eat oranges) replies, "Oh, it's easy, I just take off my dentures and suck them dry.

. Three southern belles are sitting on the verandah and discover that they are all married to men named Marvin. They decide to nickname their Marvins after soda pop so that they can tell them apart. The first southern belle says "I'm going to name my Marvin Mountain Dew, because he comes from the mountains and he likes to do, do, do it all the time." The second southern belle says, "I'm going to name my Marvin 7 UP, because it's seven inches long, and it's always up!". The third southern belle announces that she's going to name her Marvin Jack Daniels. "You can't name your Marvin Jack Daniels! That's not a soda pop, that's a hard liquor!". That's My Marvin!

. A white missionary went deep into black Africa as the first white man that ever visited there. About a year passed when suddenly the clan-chief's wife gave birth to a halfbreed. The Chief ran to the missionary's hut waving a knife and the missionary spoke in terror, "Oh chief, nothing happened. It's like with the sheep, you know. Sometimes they give birth to black sheep for no reason at all." The chief thought for a while, and then said to the white man, "I agree, I won't talk about the pale child, and you don't talk about the sheep..." .

One day Mickey Mouse decides to divorce his wife Minnie, so he calls up his lawyer to explain the details of the situation to him. After listening to him the lawyer said, "I'm sorry Mickey, but you can't divorce your wife Minnie just because you think she's a bit strange." Mickey replies, "No, you misunderstood me, I didn't say she was strange, I said she was Fucking Goofy!" .

Toothbrush Salesman keeps selling everything his Boss gives him, and his boss keeps expecting him to fail. Finally he gives him a truckload full. Guy sells them all in record time. Boss wants to know how. Well I go to the airport set up a table and say, "want a chocolate?" They take a bite and say, God it tastes like shit!" "You're right, want to buy a toothbrush?"

Two guys are in a bar comparing notes on their wives. The argument gets around to the fact that they both have ugly women back at home. But who has the ugliest??? The argument continues and finally one guy offers to take the other home to show him just how bad it is and settle it. As they enter the home, the wife is not to be seen and the question arises, "Where is she?" The husband says, "Oh, I keep her in the cellar under this trap door. Just a minute and I'll call her." Lifting the trap door he says, "Honey, come on up." She replies from the darkness, "Do you want me to put the bag over my head, dear?" He replies, "No, Honey, I don't want to fuck you. I just want to show you to a friend." .