- Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort
to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements
a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard
or reported:
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- BEFORE TAKEOFF:
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- "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only
4 ways out of this airplane . . ."
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- "We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must
smoke, contact a member of the flight crew and we will escort you to the
wing of the airplane.
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- "Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from
the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before
assisting children or adults acting like children."
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- From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest
Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into
the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt, and
if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in
public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen
masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and
pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure
your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small
children, decide now which one you love more.
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- "Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught
smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately."
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- DURING FLIGHT:
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- And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased
to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry...Unfortunately
none of them are on this flight...!
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- Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds,
but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember,
nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
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- "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and in the event
of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."
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- Pilot: "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so
I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as
you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land ... it's a bit
cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."
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- Once on a Southwest flight, the pilot said, "We've reached
our cruising altitude now, and I'm turning off the seat belt sign. I'm
switching to autopilot, too, so I can come back there and visit with all
of you for the rest of the flight."
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- AFTER LANDING:
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- Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt
Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That
was quite a bump and I know what ya'll are thinking. I'm here to tell you
it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the
flight attendants' fault . . . it was the asphalt!"
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- Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on
a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach the Captain
was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight
Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome
to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened
while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
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- Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing:
"We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us
to the terminal."
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- An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered
his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required
the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile,
and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that
in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers
in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone
had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She
said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am,"
said the pilot, "what is it?" The little old lady said, "Did
we land or were we shot down?"
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- After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant
came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until
Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt
up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning
bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through
the wreckage to the terminal.
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- "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed
giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
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- As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National,
a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
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- After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis,
a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care
when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that,
sure as hell everything has shifted."
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- "As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your
belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight
attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
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- "Last one off the plane must clean it."
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- As we waited just off the runway for another airliner to cross in
front of us, some of the passengers were beginning to retrieve luggage
from the overhead bins. The head attendant announced on the intercom, This
aircraft is equipped with a video surveillance system that monitors the
cabin during taxiing. Any passengers not remaining in their seats until
the aircraft comes to a full and complete stop at the gate will be strip
searched as they leave the aircraft."
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- Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like
to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get
the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal
tube, we hope you'll think of us here at USAirways."
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