- "Unless your a hemroid, GET OFF MY ASS!"
-
- "The gene pool could use a little chlorine."
-
- "All generalizations are false."
-
- "Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine."
-
- "Time is what keeps everything from happening at once."
-
- "I love cats... they taste just like chicken"
-
- "Out of my mind. Back in five minutes."
-
- Seen on an old, beat-up car: "This is not an abandoned vehicle."
-
- "Born Free... taxed to death"
-
- "Cover me. I'm changing lanes."
-
- "As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public
schools"
-
- "Happiness is a belt-fed weapon"
-
- "The more people I meet, the more I like my dog."
-
- "Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot."
-
- "Conserve toilet paper, use both sides."
-
- "REHAB is for quitters"
-
- "I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!"
-
- "Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep"
-
- "All men are Idiots, and I married their King!"
-
- "E. coli Happens"
-
- "Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician"
-
- "SAVE A TREE: Eat a beaver"
-
- "I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming
and yelling like the passengers in his car...."
-
- "Work is for people who don't know how to fish"
-
- "Sex is a misdemeanor. . .the more I miss it, the meaner I
get !! "
-
- "Montana --- At least our cows are sane!"
-
- "I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a
vegetarian."
-
- "Don't blame me, I'm from Uranus."
-
- "Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition."
-
- "Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT!"
-
- "It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you."
-
- "If you don't like the news, go out and make some."
-
- "I Brake For No Apparent Reason."
-
- "When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is
like the IRS."
-
- "Sorry, I don't date outside my species."
-
- "Nobody's ugly after 2 a.m.! "
-
- "Friends don't let Friends drive Naked."
-
- "Wink, I'll do the rest!"
-
- "No Radio - Already Stolen"
-
- "Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs."
-
- "Real women don't have hot flashes, they have power surges."
-
- "I took an IQ test and the results were negative."
-
- "When there's a will, I want to be in it!"
-
- "Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?"
-
- "If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of
meat?"
-
- "Few women admit their age, Few men act it! "
-
- "I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar!"
-
- "I'm as happy as a pedophile with an ice-cream truck!"
-
- "I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!"
-
- "Assassins do it from behind!"
-
- "Learn from your parents mistakes - use birth control!"
-
- "Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW!"
-
- "Tell me to 'Stuff It' - I'm a taxidermist."
-
- "IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you have got. "
-
- "Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!"
-
- "Which came first? The woman or the department store?"
-
- "LAWYER: A cat settles a dispute between 2 mice."
-
- "It's lonely at the top, but you eat better."
-
- "LOVE: two vowels, two consonants, two fools."
-
- "According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist."
-
- "Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill."
-
- "Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have."
-
- "A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory."
-
- "How Can I Miss You if You Won't Go Away?"
-
- "I'm not as think as you drunk I am"
-
- "First the engagement ring, then the wedding ring, then the
suffering..."
-
- Seen on a woman's car: "Men call us birds, we pick up worms"
-
- "Save Water - Take a bath with your neighbor's daughter"
-
- "Forget about World Peace.....Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!"
-
- "Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear."
-
- "Give me ambiguity or give me something else."
-
- "We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?"
-
- "We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse."
-
- "Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot."
-
- "He who laughs last thinks slowest"
-
- "Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else."
-
- "Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math."
-
- "Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies."
-
- "Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."
-
- "Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may
be happy."
-
- "Consciousness: that annoying time between naps."
-
- "i souport publik edekasion"
-
- "We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated."
-
- "Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home."
-
- "Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder..."
-
- "3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't."
-
- "Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?"
-
- "Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?"
-
- "Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you
can find a rock."
-
- "2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2."
-
- "I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die."
-
- "Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off."
-
- "Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself."
-
- "Eschew obfuscation."
-
- "I'm out of bed and dressed, What more do you want?"
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