- 10. Gargamel (From the Smurfs): Most
likely LSD. Spends his life in pursuit of little blue guys in sissy white
outfits and mentally abusing his cat. What does he plan to do with the
blue dwarfs when he catches them anyway?
-
- 9. Olive Oyl: Probably Dexatrim abuse,
maybe some amphetamines. Who is that skinny?! She might even be anorexic,
she is always giving her burger to her friend. One side question, what
the hell are Popeye and Brutus thinking? What is it her personality? NOT!
-
- 8. Snagglepuss: Can't explain it. Maybe
it's the name, or the look, but he is suspicious.
-
- 7. He-Man: This is an easy one. I mean
c'mon. Roid monkey #1. "BY THE POWER
- OF ANABOL!!!!!!" Makes me want to root for Skeletor. Alone
in his castle, hitting the weights. And on top of that he even injects
the shit in his pet tiger. Can we say "Animal Abuse"?
-
- 6. & 5. Yogi and Boo Boo: We all
know what is really in those picnic baskets. They go back to the cave and
trip. Another side ? - Are they gay? I mean, take a look at BooBoo. Not
that there's anything wrong with that.....
-
- 4. Droopy: The number one downer abuser
in toon land. Can't someone slip him an upper every year or two. The only
time I ever saw him happy is when he sees the picture of the babe. Sort
of makes you wonder.
-
- 3. Dopey Dwarf: He openly admits it.
The other dwarfs deny involvement but they are under investigation. Allegations
are that Doc is writing some extra scripts for Sneezy and all the guys
partaking are afloat.
-
- 2. Daffy Duck: If he isn't using crack,
Merion Barry is clean. He is so wired he bounces around on his head without
pain. Blows his beak off all the time. Some symptoms might be from "daffiness"
but Haldol wouldn't work for him.
-
- 1. Shaggy: By far the #1 suspect. His
clothes, his hair, his bad goatee, the boy converses with dogs. But all
of this is nothing until you go to the Munchie Factor. Anybody who averages
9.3 dog treats consumed per episode does pot no if, ands, or, buts about
it. And Look at the way him and his friends painted that van! Pretty rad
design dude.
-
- RUNNERS UP:
-
- 10. She-Ra: Come on, any woman who
is that buff is also poppin' 'roids. Besides, her brother is her supplier,
and any horse that can fly has got to be lit up on something!
-
- 9. Hagar the Horrible: I picture Hagar
out on the lawn smoking some serious pot from a six-foot bong. After all,
he does rampage through all the medieval castles stealing their stashes!
-
- 8. Calvin and Hobbes: this kid has
found the paint and is inhaling for hours. Any kid that talks to his tiger
and gets tackled by it has got to be sniffing. Let's not forget all the
memorable scenes of when his food becomes monsterous and tries to kill
him. Psychadelic overload.
-
- 7. Baby Blues: Any family that names
their kids Zoe and Ham have got to be snortin' snow through dollar bills.
Someday a lawer will represent them in a "wrongful name" suit.
-
- 6. Garfield: Let's face it, Jon has
nothing better to do except suck the crack pipe and talk to his pets. Every
now and then he lets Odie take a hit or two.
-
- 5. Peanuts: Snoopy is just lit up on
anything he can find. First, dogs don't sleep on their backs, and second,
a dog that DOES sleep on his back on a 12/12 pitch roof has got to be stoned,
cuz any coherent individual doesn't have the proper equalibrium to perform
this balancing act. His pop just drinks his life away, it's Jack and Coke
for that beagle.
-
- 4. Tigger: There have been many accusations
about Tigger, but I believe this behavior is due to his ADDS (attention
deficit disorder syndrome) and low tolerance of Ridalin. This cat needs
Prozac!
-
- 3. Rabbit: Everyone knows what Rabbit
does in his house. Besides, he is always upset when people bother him.
After all, I would be upset if people kept interrupting me while my hash
brownies were cooking. And those aren't cooking spices he keeps, that is
his dope supply, and those drums of so-called "honey" are merely
his liquid cocaine stashes.
-
- 2. Rudolph: Red noses usually indicate
a drinking problem. if i were Santa, I would have that particular reindeer
take a breathalizer test. Drinking and flying are a deadly combination.
-
- 1. Jabber Jaw: This is a talking Great
White "wussy" shark who plays in a band. Something is fishy around
here (no pun intended). Now who is to blame here? Certainly not the shark.
I blame the artist and the director, two guys sittin' around, eatin' hash
brownies, smokin' some weed, watching a porno, and dreaming up some concept
for a new cartoon. They obviously had the windows closed, and were inhaling
the second-hand smoke as well. This is something Cheech and Chong would
think up.
|
