- A young couple got married and went away on their honeymoon. After
2 weeks they came back and finally put away all of the presents they received
from friends and family. Since this was a new home, the process took some
time. The silver went into the closet, items were put on the walls for
display and some of the more intimate apparel was put in the bedroom drawers.
- A week later, they received in the mail two tickets for a popular
show where tickets were impossible to get. They were very excited and warmed
by the gesture of the person who sent this. Inside the envelope, however,
was only a small piece of paper with a single line.
- "Guess who sent them."
- The pair had much fun trying to identify the donor, but failed in
the effort. They went to the theater, and had a wonderful time. On their
return home late at night, still trying to guess the identity of the unknown
host, they found the house stripped of every article of value. And on the
bare table in the dining-room was a piece of paper on which was written
in the same hand as the enclosure with the tickets:
- "Now you know!"
-
- Morris calls his son in NY and says, "Benny, I have something
to tell you. However, I don't want to discuss it. I'm merely telling you
because you're my oldest child, and I thought you ought to know. I've made
up my mind, I'm divorcing Mama."
- The son is shocked, and asks his father to tell him what happened.
"I don't want to get into it. My mind is made up."
- "But Dad, you just can't decide to divorce Mama just like that
after 54 years together. What happened?"
- "It's too painful to talk about it. I only called because you're
my son, and I thought you should know. I really don't want to get into
it anymore than this. You can call your sister and tell her. It will spare
me the pain."
- "But where's Mama? Can I talk to her?"
- "No, I don't want you to say anything to her about it. I haven't
told her yet. Believe me it hasn't been easy. I've agonized over it for
several days, and I've finally come to a decision. I have an appointment
with the lawyer the day after tomorrow."
- "Dad, don't do anything rash. I'm going to take the first flight
down. Promise me that you won't do anything until I get there."
- "Well, all right, I promise. Next week is Passover. I'll hold
off seeing the lawyer until after the Seder. Call your sister in NJ and
break the news to her. I just can't bear to talk about it anymore."
- A half hour later, Morris receives a call from his daughter who
tells him that she and her brother were able to get tickets and that they
and the children will be arriving in Florida the day after tomorrow. "Benny
told me that you don't want to talk about it on the telephone, but promise
me that you won't do anything until we both get there."
- Morris promises. After hanging up from his daughter, Morris turns
to his wife and says, "Well, it worked this time, but what are we
going to do, to get them to come down next year?"
-
- Two men who are out walking their dogs meet on a street corner.
- One says to the other, "Boy it sure is hot today. I'd really
like to go into the bar and get a beer, but the sign on the front door
says, 'No Pets Allowed,' and I can't leave Fido alone on the street."
- The other man replies, "No problem, just stand by the door
and watch me, and you'll be having that beer real soon!"
- The second man reaches into his pocket and puts on a pair of dark
sunglasses, and then walks into the bar. The bartender looks up and says,
"Hey buddy, you can't bring that dog in here!"
- The man says, "But I'm blind, and this is my seeing-eye dog!"
- The bartender says, "Oh, OK then." The man drinks his
beer and leaves.
- The first man then puts on dark sunglasses and goes into the bar.
The bartender looks up and says, "Hey buddy, you can't bring that
dog in here!"
- The man says, "But I'm blind, and this is my seeing-eye dog!"
- The bartender says, "Oh really? I've never heard of a Chihuahua
seeing-eye dog!!"
- The man, thinking quickly, blurts out, "Oh, man! You mean they
gave me a Chihuahua?!?"
-
- There is a story about a new clerk in a supermarket. A customer
asked him if she could buy half a grapefruit. Not knowing
what to do, he excused himself to ask the manager.
- "Some nut out there wants to buy half a grapefruit..."
he began, and, suddenly realizing that the customer had entered the office
behind him, continued, "... and this lovely lady would like to buy
the other half."
- The manager was impressed with the way the clerk amicably resolved
the problem and they later started chatting. "Where are you from?"
asked the store manager.
- "Lancaster, Pennsylvania," replied the clerk, "home
of ugly women and great hockey teams."
- "Oh, my WIFE is from Lancaster," challenged the manager.
- Without skipping a beat, the clerk asked, "What team was she
on?"
-
- The old woman approached David Sarnoff, Chairman of NBC, after the
stockholders meeting.
- "Mr. Sarnoff," she said, "I'm sorry to hear about
your accident."
- "Accident?" Sarnoff said, puzzled, "My dear woman,
what accident is that?"
- Smiling sweetly, the crone said, "I heard you had a hunting
accident and lost one of your gonads."
- "Not true, madam," replied Sarnoff, "I can assure
you that I'm still an entire package."
- The woman persisted, saying that she was so sure the rumor was true,
she'd be willing to wager her life savings of $10,000 that the executive
had only one testicle.
- "Don't be silly madam," replied Sarnoff. "You'll
only lose your hard-earned savings on that bet."
- Stubbornly, the hag continued to badger Sarnoff with the proposed
wager until he grew annoyed at her persistence. "Well, if you want
to lose your money on a silly bet, come on up to my office," he sighed.
- The woman later entered the executive offices with three companions.
- "Who are these people?" demanded Sarnoff.
- "They are my witnesses," replied the woman. "It's
not that I don't trust you, but $10,000 is a lot of money and the outcome
of the wager must be verified."
- The entourage went into Sarnoff's private office, whereupon he dropped
his trousers and said to the woman, "So, go ahead and check for yourself."
- She approached him, ran her hand under his jockey shorts, and reported,
"Well, seems like you're right; you do have them both."
- The witnesses left and the old woman sat down to write a check for
her losses. Sarnoff sat behind his desk, looking at the hag in wonderment.
- "Tell me madam, why would you squander your money on such a
ridiculous wager? I feel terrible about taking your money."
- "Don't feel bad," replied the woman, "I had a $100,000
bet with those three people that I could get the chairman of NBC to drop
his pants and let me fondle him in front of witnesses."
-
- An Army driver was chauffeur to a Major who was a notorious womanizer.
- One day, the major saw a lovely girl. "Turn the car round,"
he ordered. The driver promptly stalled the car. By the time he had re-started
it, the girl had vanished.
- "Driver," said the major, "you'd be a total loss
in an emergency."
- "I thought I did pretty well," the driver said. "That
was my girl."
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