- PERSONAL HYGIENE:
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- Unlike clothes and shoes, a toothbrush should never be a hand-me-down
item.
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- While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should
be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
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- Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days.
However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
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- Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they
tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the tastes of finger foods.
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- Plucking unwanted nose hair is time-consuming work. A cigarette
lighter and a small tolerance for pain can accomplish the same goal and
save hours. Its a good idea to keep a bucket of water handy when using
this method.
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- DINING OUT:
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- When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup and pour
slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine. If drinking
directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the
label.
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- Remember to leave a generous tip for good service. After all, their
mobile home costs just as much as yours.
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- ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME:
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- A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by
a taxidermist.
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- Do not allow the dog to eat at the table... no matter how good his
manners are.
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- Be considerate of your guests. Point out in advance where the injury-threatening
springs are located on the sofa.
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- If your dog falls in love with a guest's leg, have the decency to
leave them alone for a few minutes.
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- DATING (Outside the Family):
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- Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
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- No matter how broke you are, never take your date flowers that were
stolen from a cemetery.
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- Be aggressive. Let her know you are interested: "I've been
wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the men's bathroom
wall two years ago."
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- Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some
will say 10:00. Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the
answer, it's the boy's responsibility to get her to school on time.
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- If a girl's name does not appear regularly on a bathroom wall, water
tower, or an overpass, odds are good that the date will end in frustration.
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- Even if you can't get a date, avoid kidnapping. It's bad for your
reputation.
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- THEATER ETIQUETTE:
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- Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately
after the movie has ended.
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- Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven
they can't hear you.
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- WEDDINGS:
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- Livestock usually is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
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- Is it okay to bring a date to a wedding? Not if you are the groom.
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- When dancing, never remove undergarments, no matter how hot it is.
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- Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you cut.
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- A bridal veil made of window screen is not only cost effective but
also a proven fly deterrent.
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- For the groom, at least rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund
and a clean bowling shirt can create a natty appearance. Though uncomfortable,
say yes to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
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- DRIVING ETIQUETTE:
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- Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is
loaded and the deer is in sight.
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- When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires
always has the right of way.
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- Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.
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- When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite
to ask her to bring back beer.
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- Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
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- Do not remove the seats from the car so that all your kids can fit
in.
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- Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
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- TIPS FOR ALL OCCASIONS:
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- Never take a beer to a job interview or ask if they press charges.
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- Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
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- Always say "Excuse me" after getting sick in someone else's
car.
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- It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
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- Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it's considered
tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
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- The socially refined never fish coins out of public toilets, especially
if other people are around.
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- If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
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- Always provide an alibi to the police for family members.
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