- Do you remember junior high and High school? Do you remember talking
about 'the bases' with your friends? Well forget em, This is FOOTBALL!
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- With the all new standardized guide to football, you can forget
any of the previous complications of having to remember the difference
between second and third base and all that other shit. And you wonder why
there is a strike in baseball and not football. Quite simply, baseball
is a boring, confusing and often ambiguous game, especially when trying
to compare it to sexual experiences. Whereas Football was invented for
the soul purpose of understanding where you and your friends are at. Basically
the game of football is one big sex metaphor. No one has discovered this
yet, but as you will soon see, the complications of modern romance are
easily solved using The Original Handbook Of Football.
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- Where you are on the playing field: (if your
not on the field, get on)
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- YOUR:
- 10 yard line: holding hands
- 20 yard line: hugging
- 30 yard line: kiss on the cheek
- 40 yard line: kiss on the lips
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- MIDFIELD: tongue kissing (serious territory)
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- HIS/HER:
- 40 yard line: shirt and bra off
- 30 yard line: all clothes off
- 20 yard line: oral sex (getting or
giving)
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- 1ST AND GOAL: put on the condom
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- GOAL LINE: touchdown (SEX!)
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- Now that you know where you are on the field,
here are some important terms to explain how you got there:
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- kickoff: making the first move (asking
for a date)
- kicking it deep: asking out a virgin
(you'll be starting out deep in your own territory)
on-side kick: asking out a slut (starting
near midfield, On side kicks are good if they work, but are risky)
kick return: how far you get on the first
date
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- Now that you've asked her out and went on
the first date the kickoff is over and the relationship begins, here are
the terms for that period:
-
- MAIN TERMS:
- downs: an attempt to get more yards
(get further with her)
- running the ball: taking it one yard
at a time
- passing play: skipping stage
-
- UH OH:
- fumble: impotence
- fumble recovery: regain erection
- interception: homosexuality (YOUR GOING
THE OTHER WAY!!)
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- OTHER DEFINITIONS:
- turnover: anal sex
- field goal: one of you orgasm, 3 pts
- touchdown: mutual orgasm, 6 pts
- extra point: smoking afterwards
- two point conversion: a smoke and a
phone number
- high scoring game: multiple orgasms
- rain delay: parents/roommate comes
home
- pile up: orgy
- missed field goal: wide right, wide
left or even worse, to short
- 3rd down and inches: call for a measurement
(move those yardsticks)
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- THE OFFENSE:
- quarterback: the most important position,
the missionary
- quarterback sneak: unusual positions
- center: doggie style
- running back: a hand-off
- tight end: self explanatory
- wide receiver: opposite of tight end
- nose tackle: (use your imagination)
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- DEFENSE:
- defensive line: condom
- break in the defense: condom breaks
- the safety: the pill (just to be safe)
- blitz: a "quickie"
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- PENALTIES:
- roughing: S & M
- holding: handcuffs or restraints
- offside: premature ejaculation
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- THE BOWLS:
- Rose Bowl: romantic sex (making love)
- Citrus Bowl: healthy or safe sex
- Peach Bowl: juicy/wet sex
- Fiesta Bowl: sex in South America
- Superbowl: marriage (the big dance)
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- So now that you know the field and all the
definitions you can see how to use them, here are some examples of how
useful the all new standardized guide to football really is:
-
- 1. There was an on-side kick to what I thought was a wide receiver
but it turned out to be a tight end so there was a turnover.
-
- 2. There was a deep kickoff with no return. I ran the ball to midfield
but then decided to go to the passing game. The passing play didn't work
because of a fumble. On the next down a running back took it to their 10
yard line. With 1st and goal, the action moved from the center to the Quarterback
who did a Quarterback sneak. The game turned out to be the highest scoring
Fiesta Bowl ever!!!
3. I was Roughed in the massive pileup.
4. It was third down and inches on the 20 Yard line but on the field goal
attempt was short.
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