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ACTUAL QUOTES FROM DUMB LAWYERS
Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?
 
Q: What happened then?
A: He told me, he says, 'I have to kill you because you can identify me.'
Q: Did he kill you?
 
Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?
 
The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
 
Were you alone or by yourself.
 
How long have you been a French Canadian?
 
Do you have any children or anything of that kind?
 
Q: I show you exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture.
A: That's me.
Q: Were you present when that picture was taken?
 
Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?
 
Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
 
Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?
A: I'll be three months on November 8.
Q: Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?
A: Yes.
Q: What were you doing at that time?
 
Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable?
A: I used to be.
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
 
So you were gone until you returned?
 
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: How many were girls?
 
You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?
 
Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
 
Q: Doctor, was the subject dead at the time of the autopsy?
A: Yes.
Q: Did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for a heart beat or respiratory signs?
A: No.
Q: Then how can you be sure the subject was dead?
A: Because his brain was in a jar on my desk.
Q: Ah, but he could been alive anyway right?
A: Well, I guess he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere!
 
A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself and said, "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question."
 
Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Edington at the Rose Chapel?
A: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Edington was dead at the time, is that correct?
A: No, you stupid, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy!
 
Q. What is your brother-in-law's name?
A. Borofkin.
Q. What's his first name?
A. I can't remember.
Q. He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't remember his first name?
A. No. I tell you I'm too excited. (Rising from the witness chair and pointing to Mr. Borofkin.) Nathan, for God's sake, tell them your first name!
 
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?
A. I refuse to answer that question.
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?
A. I refuse to answer that question.
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?
A. No.
 
Q. Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
A. No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.
 
Q. What is your name?
A. Ernestine McDowell.
Q. And what is your marital status?
A. Fair.
 
Q. Are you married?
A. No, I'm divorced.
Q. And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
A. A lot of things I didn't know about.
 
Q. How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?
A. Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by Dr. Cherney, and said he was really good.
 
Q. Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A. All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.
 
Q. Were you acquainted with the deceased?
A. Yes, sir.
Q. Before or after he died?
 
Q. Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence?
A. Because he was argumentary and he couldn't pronunciate his words.
 
Q. Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A. No. This is how I dress when I go to work.
 
THE COURT: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present information and prejudice from your minds, if you have any.
 
Q. Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
A. No.
Q. What was he doing with the dog's ears?
A. Picking them up in the air.
Q. Where was the dog at this time?
A. Attached to the ears.
 
Q. When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?
MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.
 
Q. And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. O.K.? What school do you go to?
A. Oral.
Q. How old are you?
A. Oral.
 
Q. What is your relationship with the plaintiff?
A. She is my daughter.
Q. Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?
 
Q. Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there was a victim?
 
Q. ...and what did he do then?
A. He came home, and next morning he was dead.
Q. So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?
 
Q. Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you indignities?
A. He didn't offer me nothing; he just said I could have the furniture.
 
Q. So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp?
A. I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.
Q. It was covered?
A. Yes, bandaged.
Q. Then, later on.. what did you see?
A. I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head.
 
Q. Could you see him from where you were standing?
A. I could see his head.
Q. And where was his head?
A. Just above his shoulders.
 
Q. What can you tell us about the truthfulness and veracity of this defendant?
A. Oh, she will tell the truth. She said she'd kill that sonofabitch - and she did!
 
Q. Do you drink when you're on duty?
A. I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk.
 
Q. ...any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?
A. The victim lived.
 
Q. Are you sexually active?
A. No, I just lie there.
 
Q. Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
A. Yes, I have been since early childhood.
 
Q. The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective witness, isn't it. You too were shot in the fracas?
A. No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval.
 
Q. What is the meaning of sperm being present?
A. It indicates intercourse.
Q. Male sperm?
A. That is the only kind I know.
 
Q. Was that the same nose you broke as a child?

 Notes on the material appearing on this page:
  • Created, edited or updated on: 05.23.99
  • Copyright information: Copyright holder not known
  • $idekick's laugh-o-meter rating: 6 (making fun of lawyers is a no brainer)
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