- What's the definition of mixed emotions?
- When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new
car.
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- What's the height of conceit?
- Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
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- What's the definition of macho?
- Jogging home from your own vasectomy.
-
- What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
- One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with....
the other is used to carry groceries.
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- Why don't blind people sky dive?
- Because it scares the hell out of their dogs.
-
- How do you double the value of a Yugo?
- You fill it with gas.
-
- What do the LAPD and the Green Bay Packers have in common?
- Neither of them can stop a Bronco.
-
- What is forty foot long and has eight teeth?
- The front row at a Willie Nelson concert.
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- What's the difference between a lawyer and God?
- God doesn't think he's a lawyer.
-
- What's the weather like in Tahoe?
- Gloomy all over and Sonny around one tree.
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- Why is divorce so expensive?
- Because it's worth it.
-
- What is 8 straight days of oral sex?
- Hanukkah Lewinsky.
-
- Today's motto:
Always give 100% at work.......
12% on Monday
23% on Tuesday
40% on Wednesday
20% on Thursday
5% on Fridays
-
- One day a duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender "Do
you got any grapes?" the
bartender says "No we don't serve grapes here." So the duck leaves
and returns the next day and asks "Do you got any grapes?" The
bartender says "No we don't serve grapes here." So the duck leaves
and returns for the next five days asking the same question and on the
fifth day the bartender gets pissed and says "If ask for grapes one
more time, I'm gonna nail your dick to the floor!" So the duck leaves
and returns the next day and asks "Got any hammers?" "No."
replies the bartender "Got any nails?" "No." "Got
any grapes?"
-
- Q: What was the most intelligent thing that ever came out from a
blonde's mouth?
- A: Einstein's dick.
Q: When will women go to the moon?
- A: When it needs to be cleaned up.
-
- Mickey and Minnie mouse were going through a bitter long drawn out
divorce court battle both attorneys were accusing each side of terrible
treatment and the battle lasted for days. Finally the judge says "Ok
I've heard enough, I'm going to take a 1 hour break and I'll come back
with my decision" 1 hour passes with both sides squirming in their
seats finally the judge emerges from his chambers sits down and looks across
the courtroom and down at Mickey and says " Well Mr. Mouse I've heard
your arguments but I'm afraid this court has found you have been unable
to prove that your wife is crazy" Mickey looks up at the judge perplexed
and says "Crazy? I didn't say she was crazy"! I said she was
fucking Goofy".
-
- Q: What's the difference between a black man and a pizza?
- A: A pizza can feed a family of eight.
-
- A child molester and a little boy were walking in the woods at night.
"Gosh these woods are scary" says the little boy. The child molester
responds "How do you think I feel, I have to walk back all by myself"
And remember .......
- When you're having a really bad day and it seems like people are
trying to piss you off, remember it takes 42 muscles to frown and only
4 to extend your finger and flip them off.
-
- A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and
engage in animated
conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at
first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say
the following; "Emma come first. Denna I come. Two asses, they come
together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again
and pee twice. Then I come once-a more." "You foul-mouthed swine,"
retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk
about our sex lives in public!" "Hey, coola down lady,"
said the man. "Imma justa tellun my friend howa to spella Mississippi."
-
- Q: Do you know the toughest golf foursome to play behind?
A: Monica Lewinsky, OJ Simpson, Ted Kennedy, Bill Clinton.
Q: Why?
- A: Monica is a hooker, OJ is a slicer, Kennedy can't drive over
water, Clinton doesn't know which hole to play!
-
- Q: What do women and spaghetti have in common?
A: They both squirm when you eat them.
-
- Q: What's 69 and 69?
A: Dinner for four.
-
- Q: Why don't chickens wear underwear?
A: Because their peckers are on their faces.
-
- Q: What's worse than being raped by Jack the Ripper?
A: Being fingered by Captain Hook.
-
- Q: What's worse than lobsters on your piano?
A: Crabs on your organ.
-
- Did you hear about the nympho at the hotel pool?
She was barred from the area after the lifeguard saw her go down for the
third time.
-
- Q: How do you make a hormone?
A: Don't pay her.
-
- Q: What's the difference between 'ohh' and 'ahh'?
A: About 4 inches.
-
- Q: When does a cub become a boy scout?
A:When he eats his first Brownie.
-
- Q: What the difference between Like and Love?
A: Spit and Swallow.
-
- Q: How does a women hold her liquor?
A: By the ears.
-
- Q: What's the difference between men and jelly beans?
A: Jelly beans come in different colors.
-
- Q: What do Rubiks cube and a penis have in common?
A: The longer you play with it, the harder it gets!
-
- Q: Why do female paratroopers wear jockstraps?
A: So they don't whistle on the way down.
-
- Q: How can you tell if a woman is macho?
A: She rolls her own tampons.
-
- Q: What do a coffin and a condom have in common?
A: They're both filled with stiffs - only ones coming and ones going.
-
- Q: How do you know that a female bartender is pissed off with you?
A: There's a string hanging out of your bloody Mary.
-
- Q: How do you recycle a used tampon?
A: As a tea-bag for vampires.
-
- How do you get four gay guys on a barstool?
Turn it upside down.
-
- What do elephants use as tampons?
Sheep.
-
- What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?
Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job.
-
- Did you hear about the gay guy who got fired from the Sperm Bank?
He was caught drinking on the job.
-
- What do you do in case of fallout?
Put it back in and take shorter strokes
-
- What do you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
- Slow down and use some lubricant.
-
- What's better than a rose on your piano?
Two lips on your organ
-
- What's a 68?
You do me, and I'll owe you one!
-
- Why does Hillary Clinton always climb on top?
Because Billy can only fuck up!
-
- What's the ultimate in rejection?
When your spanking hand falls asleep.
-
- What is organic dental floss?
Pubic hair.
-
- What are the three greatest lies?
1) the check is in the mail
2) small is beautiful
3) I won't come in your mouth
-
- Q :How can you tell if your girlfriend's frigid ?
A :When you open her legs the lights go on.
-
- Q :Why did the pervert cross the road?
A :Because he got his dick stuck in the chicken!
-
- Q :Why did God give women legs?
A :Well, think of the mess a snail makes!
-
- Which of the following doesn't belong?
(a) meat
(b) eggs
(c) wife
(d) blow job.
Answer: (d) a blow job because it's possible to beat your meat, your eggs,
or your wife, but you can't beat a blow job.
-
- Q: Why is a woman like dog shit?
A: The older it is, the easier it is to pick up.
-
- Q: What's the difference between a woman and a toilet?
A: A toilet doesn't follow you around once you've used it.
-
- Q: What's got four legs and one arm ?
A: A happy pit bull.
-
- What do you call a rabbit with a bent dick?
Fucks funny!.
-
- Q: What do you call grit in a condom
A: An organ grinder!
-
- Q: What's green and eats nuts?
A: Herpes.
-
- Why did the condom fly across the room?
Because it got pissed off.
-
- Did you hear about the flasher who was thinking of retiring?
He decided to stick it out for one more year!
-
- Q: What does Old Milwaukee and making love in a small rowing-boat
have in common?
A: They are both fucking close to water!
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