- Preparation for parenthood is not just a matter of reading books
and decorating the nursery. Here are 13 simple tests for expectant parents
to take to prepare themselves for the real-life experience of being a mother
or father.
-
- 1. Women: to prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick
a beanbag down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After 9 months,
take out 10% of the beans.
-
- Men: to prepare for paternity, go the local drug store, tip the
contents of your wallet on the counter, and tell the pharmacist to help
himself. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly
to their head office. Go home. Pick up the paper and read it for the last
time.
-
- 2. Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple
who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline,
lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels, and how they have allowed
their children to run riot. Suggest ways in
- which they might improve their child's sleeping habits, toilet training,
table manners and overall behavior. Enjoy it - it'll be the last time in
your life that you will have all of the answers.
-
- 3. To discover how the nights feel, walk around, the living room
from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 lbs. at
10pm put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep. Get
up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1am.
Put the alarm on for 3am. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2am
and make a drink. Go to bed at 2:45 am. Get up again at 3am when the alarm
goes off. Sing songs in the dark until 4am. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get
up. Make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.
-
- 4. Can you stand the mess children make? To find out, smear peanut
butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains. Hide a fish finger behind
the stereo and leave it there all summer. Stick your fingers in the flower
beds then rub them on the clean walls. Cover the stains with crayons. How
does that look?
-
- 5. Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems: first buy
an octopus and a string bag. Attempt to put the octopus into the string
bag so that none of the arms hang out. Time allowed for this - all morning.
-
- 6. Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and a can of paint,
turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet tube. Using only scotch tape
and a piece of foil, turn it into a Christmas tree. Last, take a milk container,
a ping pong ball, and an empty packet of Coco Puffs and make an exact replica
of the Eiffel Tower. Congratulations, you have just qualified for a place
on the playgroup committee.
-
- 7. Forget the Miata and buy a Mini Van. And don't think you can
leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look
like that. Buy a chocolate ice cream bar and put it in the glove compartment.
Leave it there. Get a quarter. Stick it in the cassette player. Take a
family-size packet of chocolate cookies. Mash them down
- the back seats. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There!,
Perfect!
-
- 8. Get ready to go out. Wait outside the toilet for half an hour.
Go out the front door. Come in again. Go out. Come back in. Go out again.
Walk down the front path. Walk back up it. Walk down it again. Walk very
slowly down the road for 5 minutes. Stop to inspect minutely every cigarette
butt, piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead
- insect along the way. Retrace your steps. Scream that you've had
as much as you can stand, until the neighbors come out and stare at you.
Give up and go back in the house. You are now just about ready to try taking
a small child for a walk.
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- 9. Always repeat everything you say at least five times.
-
- 10. Go to your local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing
you can find to a pre-school child - a fully grown goat is excellent. If
you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat. Buy your
week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything
the goats eat or destroy. Until you can easily accomplish this do not even
contemplate having children.
-
- 11. Hollow out a melon. Make a small hole in the side. Suspend it
from the ceiling and swing it from side to side. Now get a bowl of soggy
Froot Loops and attempt to spoon it into the swaying melon by pretending
to be an airplane. Continue until half of the Froot Loops are gone. Tip
the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor.
You are now ready to feed a 12-month old baby.
-
- 12. Go into a public restroom stall with a friend. Practice ways
to "help-them-along" with their little duty WITHOUT sounding
like a molester or an idiot.
-
- 13. Learn the names of every character from Barney and Friends,
Sesame Street and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. When you find yourself
singing "I love you, you love me" at work, now!, you finally
qualify as a parent.
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