| RODNEY DANGERFIELD |
- "A hooker once told me she had a headache."
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- "I went to a massage parlor. It was self service."
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- "My only thrill is self inflicted... hickies."
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- "If it weren't for pick-pocketers I'd have no sex life at all."
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- "I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said...
Are you going to hate yourself in the morning? She said.. No..I hate myself
now."
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- "My girlfriend was no bargain either. She used to braid her
armpits."
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- "I had a girlfriend that was so fat her belly button made an
echo."
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- "I had a girlfriend that was so fat she had her own postal
code."
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- "I had a girlfriend that was so fat she wore a CROSS YOUR THIGHS
bra."
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- "I had a girlfriend that was so fat she had a dress with a
sign on the back saying...Caution Wide Load."
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- "My girlfriend was so fat her clothes were made by Omar the
tent maker"
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- "I knew a girl that was so fat that when guys had sex with
her they had to ask for directions."
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- "One day I ran into my girlfriend with my car. She asked me
why I didn't ride around her. I told her that I didn't think I had enough
gas"
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- "I had a girlfriend that was so fat her bikini was made out
of two bed sheets."
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- "I knew a girl that was so ugly that... her mother ripped in
two when she had her."
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- "I knew a girl that was so ugly that... She uses a septic tank
for a toilet."
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- "I knew a girl that was so ugly that... She was known as a
two bagger. That's when a girl is so ugly that you put a bag over your
head in case the bag over her head breaks"
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- "I knew a girl that was so ugly that... I bent down to pet
her cat only to find that it was the hair on her legs."
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- "I knew a girl that was so ugly that... I took her to a dog
show and she won first prize."
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- "I knew a girl that was so ugly that... They use her in prisons
to cure sex offenders."
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- "I knew a girl that was so ugly that... I took her to the top
of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her."
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- "I knew a girl that was so ugly that... She looks like she
came in second in a hatchet fight!"
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- "I knew a girl that was so ugly that... The last time I saw
a mouth like hers it had a hook on the end of it."
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- I knew a girl that was so ugly that... She has a face like a saint--A
saint bernard!"
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- "I was tired one night and I went to the bar to have a few
drinks. The bartender asked me... What'll you have? I said...surprise me.
He showed me a naked picture of my
- wife."
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- "During sex my wife always wants to talk to me. Just the other
night she called me from a hotel."
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- "My marriage is on the rocks again. Yeah..my wife just broke
up with her boyfriend."
-
- "One day...as I came home early from work...I saw a guy jogging
naked. I said to the guy...Hey buddy...why are you doing that for? He said..Because
you came home early."
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- "I went to look for a used car. I found my wife's dress in
the back seat!"
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- "Once in a restaurant I made a toast to her...The best woman
a man ever had.... The waiter joined me."
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- "It's been a rough day. I got up this morning...put on a shirt
and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off.
I'm afraid to go to the bathroom!"
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- "I had a problem. I tried group sex. Now I have a new problem...I
don't know who to thank!"
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- "My friends and I played a new version of Russian roulette.
We passed around six girls and one of them had VD."
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- "I went to see my doctor... Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah...I told
him once... Doctor...every morning when I get up and look in the mirror..I
feel like throwing up; what's wrong with me? He said..I don't know but
your eyesight is perfect"
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- "I remember when I swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My
doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest."
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- "I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. He told me to
wear a brown necktie."
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- "My dentist found a new way to cover up his bad breath...he
holds up his arms"
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- "My dentist has bad breath......Why every time he smokes he
blows onion rings."
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- "My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him...If you
don't mind I'd like a second opinion...he said...Alright...you're ugly
too!"
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- "I was so ugly...my mother used to feed me with a sling shot!"
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- "When I was born the doctor took one look at my face...turned
me over and said.. look...twins!"
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- "And we were poor too. Why, if I wasn't born a boy...I'd have
nothing to play with!"
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| Notes on the material appearing on this page: |
- Created, edited or updated on: 05.12.99
- Copyright information: Rodney Dangerfield,
all rights reserved
- $idekick's laugh-o-meter rating: 6
(still funny after all these years)
|
