- It was the night before Christmas,
and all through the trailer park,
not a pop-top was poppin',
not even Ole Blue barked.
-
- Our stockin's was hung
over the space heater with care,
in the hopes that Santy
would fill 'em with Viennas and beer.
-
- The kids was asleep
in their NASCAR pj's,
Dreamin' of Goo Goo Clusters,
Moon Pies, and Milkyway's.
-
- And Earlene in her curlers
and me in my Earnhardt cap,
had just settled into our La-Z-Boys
for Wheel of Fortune and a nap.
-
- Then out in the vacant lot
I heart such a commotion,
I thought it was neighbor Clyde,
finally got his T'bird in motion.
-
- I heaved out of my recliner
and to the window I flew,
Busted out the screen
and hollered to Ole Blue.
-
- The moon was shinin down
on my old wrecked cars,
so bright they was sparklin'
like rusty old stars.
-
- And I couldn't believe
my own hardworkin' eyes,
when a jacked-up Chevy pickup
come flyin' through the sky!
-
- Faster'n Ole Ironhead
his possums they came,
and he whooped and hollered
and called 'em by name:
-
- "Git up Sooner! Hi Duke!
Move yer tails Yaller and Spud!
On Blackie! On Queenie!
You mind me Duchess and Bud!"
-
- "To the top of the satellite dish!
To the top of the shed!
Now move it n' Step on it!
Ya'll get out the lead!"
-
- You know how on our old road
whenev'r a car goes by,
there's all this dirt
that flys up into the sky?
-
- That's how this crew
went straight on up to my roof,
with that pickup full of toys,
a real nice gun rack, and Redneck Santa too.
-
- Then 'fore I could pop my teeth in
I heerd up on the tin,
the scrabbling around
of them flying possums of his'n.
-
- I yanked my head back in the trailer
and hitched up my shorts,
Down the dryer vent Redneck Santa came
with a grunt and a snort!
-
- He was dressed in red-and-green camo
from his neck to his feet,
and I had to give him credit
he still had most of his teeth.
-
- Looked like stuff from Earlene's yard sale
slung on his back,
There was flyswatters an' Tupperware,
an' 8-tracks stickin' out of his pack.
-
- When he winked his eye
I knew fer sure he'd treat us right,
why, he just might even
leave me some ammo tonight!
-
- I stood there dreamin' of a whitetail
while I watched him work,
then he stopped and like a real man,
- let out a fart and a burp.
-
- He topped off our stockin's
with Moon Pies and bottle rockets,
then squoze up that dryer vent
like Spam in your pocket.
-
- He jumped in his pickup,
laid down on the horn,
And I'm not lyin',
they took off with their possum tails flyin'.
-
- But I heerd him holler
as he headed for the 7-11,
"Merry Christmas to all!
And may all rednecks get into heav'n!"
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