- TO: ALL MCCCD EMPLOYEES
- FROM: GOVERNING BORED
- DATE: April, 22
-
- As a result of the HAYZE mismanagement study, we must drastically
cut most salaries and reduce our number of personnel. Under this plan,
older employees will go on early retirement, thus permitting management
to focus its abuse on younger employees who represent our future.
-
- Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of
the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately.
The program will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged Personnel Early). Employees
who are RAPED will be given the opportunity to work other jobs within the
system at greatly reduced pay. This phase of the reduction program is called
SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers).
-
- All employees who have been RAPED or SCREWED may apply for a new
re- employment eligibility service. This service will be called SHAFT (Study
by Higher Authority Following Termination). Current regulations state that
employees may only
- be RAPED once and SCREWED twice, but they may get the SHAFT as many
times as management deems appropriate.
-
- If an employee meets all of the above requirements, he/she will
be entitled to get HERPES (Half Earnings of Retired Persons Entitlement
System). HERPES is considered as a bonus plan since the employee can no
longer be RAPED and SCREWED by management. RAPED personnel may also get
Assistance for Immediate
- Displacement Service (AIDS). Since AIDS has serious implications,
one should only request this service once.
-
- Employees can enhance their retention prospects by signing up for
additional training. It is now and always has been the policy of management
to ensure all employees are well trained through our Special High Intensity
Training (SHIT). We have given our employees more SHIT than any other organization
in the country. If any employee feels he/she does not receive enough SHIT
on the job, see your immediate supervisor. Our management is especially
trained to ensure that you will get all the SHIT you can stand.
-
- To ensure equal treatment of all MCCCD employees, only upper-management
and their selected brown-noses will be given raises and exempt status from
the above programs.
-
- Yu Bien Haad
- MCCCD GOVERNING BORED
-
- P.S.
- We in upper management would like to once again applaud the HAYZE
people for their very consistent and reasonable study; heck, we couldn't
have paid anyone to make up a better report!
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