- SON: Dad, I have to do a special report for school. Can I ask you
a question?
- FATHER: Sure son, what's the question?
- SON: What is politics?
- FATHER: Well, let's take our home for example. I am the wage earner
so, let's call me "the management". Your mother is the administrator
of the money, so we'll call her "the government". We take care
of your needs so lets call you "the people". We'll call the maid
the "working class" and your baby brother we'll call "the
future". Do you understand that son?
- SON: I'm not really sure, dad. I'll have to give it some thought.
-
- That night, awakened by his baby brother's crying, the boy went
to see what was wrong. Discovering the baby had seriously soiled his diaper,
the boy went to his parents' room and found his mother sound asleep. He
then went to the maid's room where, peeking through the key hole, he saw
his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheard
by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back
to bed.
-
- The next morning:
- SON: Dad, now I think I understand politics.
- FATHER: That's great son, explain it to me in your own words.
- SON: Well, dad, while management is fucking the working class, the
government is sound asleep. The people are being completely ignored, and
the future is full of shit.
- Two naked statues, a man and a woman, had been standing looking
at each other, in a park, for a hundred years.
-
- An angel came to visit them and said that since they had stood there
so patiently through all the summers and winters, they would be rewarded
by half an hour of human life to do what they had been wanting to do most.
-
- So the two statues came to life, looked at each other, and laughed
a bit and said "shall we?" and "yes let's" and they
slipped off behind some bushes and there was a lot of rustling.
-
- After a quarter of an hour, they came out from behind the bushes
all hot and flustered and happy. The angel said they had only used half
their time and why didn't they start all over again. So the statues giggled
a bit and the man statue said to the woman statue, "OK, Let's do it
again, only this time we'll do it the other way around. I'll hold down
the pigeon and you shit on it's head!"
There is this
truck driver who always swerves off the road to hit lawyers walking on
the sidewalk. When he does this he always hears a loud thump. One day he
saw a priest hitch-hiking and decided to do his good deed for the day,
and pick him up. Well, the truck driver and the priest were having a conversation
when the truck driver sees a lawyer walking down the sidewalk. He starts
to swerve over to hit the lawyer, but then realizes that hitting the lawyer
probably wouldn't be a good idea with the priest sitting next to him, so
he begins to swerve back onto the road. As he's doing this he hears the
loud thump again, and is puzzled. He thinks for a minute and then says
to the priest...
-
- "Usually when I see those guys walking down the sidewalk I
swerve over and hit them, but I decided not to because you were with me."
-
- And the priest replies, " Don't worry, I got him with the door!"
A
man phones home, the maid answers the phone and he says, "I've got
great news! I need to speak to my wife."
-
- "I'm sorry, but I can't call her to the phone right now."
-
- "Hey! I pay your salary and I want you to call my wife to the
phone now!"
-
- "I just can't do that," the maid insists.
-
- "Why not!"
-
- "She's in bed with another man."
-
- After a moment of stunned silence he says, "Now listen carefully,
I'm going to tell you exactly what to do. I was calling to let her know
I just won the lottery. I'll split half the money with you if you do exactly
as I tell you. Go to my desk drawer, get my revolver, go upstairs and shoot
both of them. Think you can do that?"
-
- The maid thinks it over, decides she can and puts down the phone.
He waits for what seems like an eternity. Finally, she returns and reports
she did as he requested. "Good," he says, "now, I want you
to go back upstairs, drag their bodies down and throw them into the pool."
-
- "Wait a minute," the maid says, "We don't have a
pool."
-
- Brief pause. "Hey, this isn't 232-3611?"
A
doctor had the reputation of helping couples increase the joy in their
sex life, but always promised not to take a case if he felt he could not
help them.
-
- The Browns came to see the doctor, and he gave them thorough physical
exams, psychological exams, and various tests and then concluded, "Yes,
I am happy to say that I believe I can help you"! "On your way
home from my office stop at the grocery store and buy some grapes and some
doughnuts. Go home, take off your clothes, and you, sir, roll the grapes
across the floor until you make a bulls eye in your wife's love canal.
Then on hands and knees you must crawl to her like a leopard and retrieve
the grape using only your tongue."
-
- "Then next ma'am, you must take the doughnuts and from across
the room, toss them at your husband until you make a ringer around his
love pole. Then like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume the doughnut."
-
- The couple went home and tried the exercises the doctor recommended
Their sex life became more and more wonderful with each attempt so they
told their friends, Mr. & Mrs. Black that they should see the good
doctor.
-
- The doctor greeted the Blacks and said he would not take the case
unless he felt that he could help them; so he conducted the physical exams
and the same battery of tests. Then he told the Blacks the bad news. "I
cannot help you, so I will not take your money. I believe your sex life
is as good as it will ever be. I cannot help.
-
- The Blacks pleaded with him, and said, "You helped our friends
the Browns, now please, please at least try for us."
-
- "Well, all right", the doctor said. "On your way
home from my office,
stop at the grocery store and buy some apples and a box of Cheerios..."
- A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble.
He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and
the second half of his round trip ticket; If he could just get to the airport
he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where
there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie.
He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit
card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail.
-
- The cabbie said (adopt appropriate dialect), "If you don't
have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman
was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch
his flight.
-
- One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain
his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling
pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get
a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the
end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him
a ride when he was down on his luck.
-
- The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the
guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan. The businessman
got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport,"
he asked? "Fifteen bucks," came the reply. "And how much
for you to give me a blow job on the way?" "What?! Get the hell
out of my cab." The businessman got into the back of each cab in the
long line and asked the same questions, with the same result. When he got
to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How
much for a ride to the airport?" The cabbie replied "fifteen
bucks." The businessman said "ok" and off they went. Then,
as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a
big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.
I dreamt last
night that I went to Heaven, and I met St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. I
asked him that since I arrived in Heaven if I could take a look around
the place. St. Peter agreed, and even came along with me to show me around.
-
- We walked for a while, until we met President Clinton, tied to one
of the ugliest women you could ever, ever imagine. 80 years old, 5 inch
thick glasses, grease just dripping off her body, muttering every now and
then like a sick crow. We asked Willie why he was chained to this woman.
Willie replied: "Well, when I used to live on Earth, I committed a
number of sins, and now I'm chained to this real ugly old woman as pennance."
We wished Mr. Clinton the best of luck, and moved on.
-
- A while later we met with none other than Elvis Presley, the King
of Rock, and he was
also tied to one of the ugliest women you could imagine, even worse than
the first one. We asked Mr. Presley why he was chained to such an ugly
woman. The King replies: "Well, when I used to live on Earth, I committed
a number of sins, and now I have to live with this ugly old hag for a while
as pennance." We wished the King the best of luck, and moved on.
-
- After a litle bit more walking, we met up with Bill Gates, president
of Microsoft. Billy just so happened to be chained to one of the most gorgeous,
lucious, and sexiest woman you could ever imagine, long blonde hair, blue
eyes, long limbs, and a beautiful figure. We asked the two of them why
they happened to be chained to each other like that. And then the woman
replies: "When I used to live on Earth, I committed a number of sins..."
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