- A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the
entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, "Wish you
were here."
I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What
for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."
I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking", but I don't have that
much time.
I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues
that are in all the other museums.
I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings... Boy With
Pail... Kitten On Fire...
I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So
I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet
in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you
want, and the table would move across the floor to it.
There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices. In the
back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air.
I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.
I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me, "If
I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?"
I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2x4 and a box of 3x5's. The clerk said,
"ten-four."
I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said "pet supplies".
So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said "compact cars".
I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy
was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open
24 hours." He said, "Yes, but not in a row."
I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if
they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?"
Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium."
I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said,
"It's free with purchase." I asked her if anyone bought anything
today.
I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting
Slinkies on the escalator.
There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people
were trapped on the escalators.
I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift
Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he
would know when to stop unwrapping.
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in
the same room and let them fight it out.
Ever notice how irons have a setting for *permanent* press? I don't get
it...
I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.
I invented the cordless extension cord.
I saw a close friend of mine the other day... He said, "Stephen, why
haven't you called me?" I said, "I can't call everyone I want.
My new phone has no five on it." He said, "How long have you
had it?" I said, "I don't know... my calendar has no sevens on
it."
I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They
went "Aaaaahhhh..."
Today I dialed a wrong number... The other person said, "Hello?"
and I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?"...They said, "Uh...
I don't think so... he's only 2 months old." I said, "I'll wait."
I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my
fish tank. I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish
go like this (fill in your own movement here). I go down to the pet store---"Gimme
another ten guppies, I got a lotta calls yesterday."
My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment
somewhere.
I installed a skylight in my apartment... The people who live above me
are furious!
All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic
hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to rob a department
store... with a pricing gun... She said, "Give me all of the money
in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store."
While I was gone, somebody rearranged on the furniture in my bedroom. They
put it in EXACTLY the same place it was. When I told my roommate, he said:
"Do I know you?"
In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so
often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call
from a woman in Germany. She said, "Cut it out."
Doing a little work around the house. I put fake brick wallpaper over a
real brick wall, just so I'd be the only one who knew. People come over
and I'm gonna say, "Go ahead, touch it...it feels real."
In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... so I
never have to go upstairs.
One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my
camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures
of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.
All the plants in my house are dead---I shot them last night. I was teasing
them by watering them with ice cubes.
I have a microwave fireplace in my house... The other night I laid down
in front of the fire for the evening in two minutes.
Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity... If you wanted
to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head. If you wanted
to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick.
I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how I got there.
I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the
shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
So I had to buy them again.
My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood
kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll
throw it at them.
The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my
car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I
was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said,
"right here, officer". Later, I parked it on the freeway, got
out, and yelled at all the cars, "Get out of my driveway!"
My house is on the median strip of a highway. You don't really notice,
except I have to leave the driveway doing 60 MPH.
For a while I didn't have a car... I had a helicopter... no place to park
it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running... (slow glance
upward)
I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the
gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like
I'm the only one moving.
I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going
really fast, and stick it out the window.
I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my
car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds amazing.
I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they
wouldn't have to go so fast.
I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.
My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near
the place.
I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now. But
leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."
Last year we drove across the country. We switched on the driving... every
half mile... We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip...
I don't remember what it was.
I saw a sign: "Rest Area 25 Miles". That's pretty big. Some people
must be really tired.
A cop stopped me for speeding. He said, "Why were you going so fast?"
I said, "See this thing my foot is on? It's called an accelerator.
When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car
just takes right off. And see this thing? This steers it."
I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said, "Do
you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?" "Yes, officer,
but I wasn't going to be out that long..."
One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't
you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything
I read."
I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when
I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and farther, trying
to see it clearly)...and says, "Here, you can go."
The judge asked, "What do you plead?" I said, "Insanity,
your honor, who in their right mind would park in the passing lane?"
When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking
spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.
Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone... when I came back the entire
area
was missing.
I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, "Steven,
time to go to sleep." I said, "But I don't know how." She
said, "It's real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a
left." So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity
I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said "I thought I told
you to go to sleep."
I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's
going to be up all night.
When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep
good?" I said, "No, I made a few mistakes."
I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody's satellite
dish. My dreams were showing up on TV's all over the world.
My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over
there and write misspelled words on them.
I got up one morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called Information.
She said, "Hello, Information." I said, "I can't find my
socks." She said, "They're behind the couch." And they were!
I went into this bar and sat down next to a pretty girl. She looked at
me and said, "Hey, you have two different colored socks on."
I said, "Yeah, I know, but to me they're the same because I go by
thickness."
I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went
to
sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.
I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the wires backwards.
I erased all of the records. When I returned them to my friend, he said,
"Hey, these records are all blank."
Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line.
He caught every other fish.
There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like
an idiot.
I bought a dog the other day... I named him Stay. It's fun to call him...
"Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just
ignores me and keeps typing.
I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats
on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
The other day, I was walking my dog around my building... on the ledge.
Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
- I spilled spot remover on my dog. He's gone now.
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
(Referring to a glass of water) I mixed this myself. Two parts H, one part
O. I don't trust anybody!
They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning... (picks up his
glass of water from the stool and takes a drink)... I like to live on the
edge...
I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add to it.
I was born by Caesarean section... but not so you'd notice. It's just that
when I leave a house, I go out through the window.
When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for
five minutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice.
I didn't get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway instead.
You couldn't see anything, but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling
noise go by.
When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, "Do you have
any toy train schedules?"
When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was
an only child... eventually.
When I was five years old I was on a merry go round. There was a gunshot
nearby. The horses stampeded. There I was running down the street on a
purple wooden horse.
When I was eight, I played Little League. I was on first; I stole third;
I went straight across. Earlier that week, I learned that the shortest
distance between two points was a direct line. I took advantage of that
knowledge.
I used to own an ant farm but had to give it up. I couldn't find tractors
small enough to fit it.
My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birthmark until
he was eight years old.
My school colors were clear. We used to say, "I'm not naked, I'm in
the band."
When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then
put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd
tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.
- Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach...it
pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say, "What are you
doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!"
My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I
can ask him what he meant.
You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're
reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed?
I'm like that all the time.
Well, you know when you're rocking in a rocking chair, and you go so far
that you almost fall over backwards, but at the last instant you catch
yourself? That's how I feel all the time.
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've
forgotten this before.
Lots of comedians have people they try to mimic. I mimic my shadow.
I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one... it wasn't doing
what I was doing.
If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.
Four years ago... no, it was yesterday.
Today I... No, that wasn't me.
Sometimes I... No, I don't.
I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building... I changed my
mind at the last minute, so I just flipped over and landed on my feet.
Two little kittens nearby saw what happened and one turned to the other
and said, "See, that's how it's done."
I was going to commit suicide the other day, but I must not have been serious
because I brought a beach towel.
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
What's another word for Thesaurus?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
My grandfather invented Cliff's Notes. It all started back in 1912... Well,
to make a long story short...
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.
After they make Styrofoam, what do they ship it in?
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
I broke my arm trying to fold a bed. It wasn't the kind that folds.
I like to reminisce with people I don't know.
I like to skate on the other side of the ice.
I lost a button hole today.
I made wine out of raisins so I wouldn't have to wait for it to age.
I saw a man with a wooden leg, and a real foot.
I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
I saw a tree fall in the woods, and I didn't hear it.
I took a baby shower.
I used to be a bartender at the Betty Ford Clinic.
I was skydiving horizontally.
I washed mud, off of mud.
I'm so hyper... (said with a very dull voice)
If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
My VCR flashes 01:35, 01:35, 01:35, ...
"So, do you live around here often?"
Women... can't live with 'em... can't shoot 'em.
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package
of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel
the rest of the afternoon's appointments.
One day I got on the usual bus, and when I stepped in, I saw the most gorgeous
blond Chinese girl... I sat beside her. I said, "Hi," and she
said, "Hi," and then I said, "Nice day, isn't it?,"
and she said, "I saw my analyst today and he says I have a problem."
So I asked, "What's the problem?" She replied, "I can't
tell you. I don't even know you..." I said, "Well sometimes it's
good to tell your problems to a perfect stranger on a bus." So she
said, "Well, my analyst said I'm a nymphomaniac and I only like Jewish
cowboys... by the way, my name is Denise." I said, "Hello, Denise.
My name is Bucky Goldstein..."
I got into an elevator at work and this man followed in after me... I pushed
"1" and he just stood there... I said, "Hi, where you going?"
He said, "Phoenix." So I pushed Phoenix. A few seconds later
the doors opened, two tumbleweeds blew in... we were in downtown Phoenix.
I looked at him and said, "You know, you're the kind of guy I want
to hang around with." We got into his car and drove out to his shack
in the desert. Then the phone rang. He said, "You get it." I
picked it up and said, "Hello?"...The other side said, "Is
this Steven Wright?"...I said, "Yes..." The guy said, "Hi,
I'm Mr. Jones, the student loan director from your bank. It seems you have
missed your last 17 payments, and the university you attended said that
they received none of the $17,000 we loaned you. We would just like to
know what happened to the money?" I said, "Mr. Jones, I'll give
it to you straight. I gave all of the money to my friend Slick, and with
it he built a nuclear weapon... and I would appreciate it if you never
called me again."
The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing
in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.
I had a dream that all the victims of The Pill came back... boy, were they
mad!
The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...
I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like
I'm in a submarine that's been hit.
It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.
I have two very rare photographs. One is a picture of Houdini locking his
keys in his car. The other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell beating
up a child.
I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the
beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.
- I went to the eye doctor and found out I needed glasses for reading.
So, I got some flip-up contact lenses.
Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo. He got pretty good.
He could go under a rug.
I filled out an application that said, "In Case Of Emergency Notify".
I wrote "Doctor" ...What's my mother going to do?
I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology... the study of milkmen.
He was a multi-millionaire. Wanna know how he made all of his money? He
designed the little diagrams that tell which way to put batteries in.
I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house
and four people died.
A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll
just be walking down the street, and... ooooohhhhhh, that's much better...
I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the
funeral in one car.
My girlfriend and I went on a picnic. I don't know how she did it, but
she got poison ivy on the brain. When it itched, the only way she could
scratch it was to think about sandpaper.
I'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend. It's called, "They'll
Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away 'Cause I'm Not Raking 'Til Spring."
My girlfriend asked me how long I was going to be gone on this tour. I
said, "the whole time."
The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose twice. Everything
had two shadows.
I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every
once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think
I might have written that."
When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms
with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"
Some people think George is weird, because he has sideburns behind his
ears. I
think George is weird, because he has false teeth. with braces on them.
George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't
hear him talk.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet,
what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
I saw a sign at a gas station. It said "help wanted". There was
another sign below it that said "self service". So I hired myself.
Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then
I quit.
- Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for
a satellite picture.
I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept locking the keys
in the plane. They caught me on an 80 foot stepladder with a coat hanger.
In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel
over what I considered to be an odd number.
I have a map of the United States... actual size. It says, "Scale:
1 mile = 1 mile." I spent last summer folding it. I also have a full-size
map of the world. I hardly ever unroll it.
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just
whipped
out a quarter?
I want to get a tattoo of myself on my entire body, only 2" taller.
I'm kinda tired. I was up all night trying to round off infinity. Then
I got bored and went out and painted passing lines on curved roads.
This is my impression of a bowling ball... (drags the mike along the floor,
then lifts it)... gutter...
I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather. The team
scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay. He thought they scored
another one. I was gonna tell him, but I figured the game he was watching
was better.
I owed my friend George $25. For about three weeks I owed it to him. The
whole time I had the money on me---he didn't know it. Walking through New
York City, 2:30 in the morning, we got held up. He said, "Gimme all
your money." I said, "Wait a minute." I said, "George,
here's the 25 dollars I owe you." The the thief took a thousand dollars
out of his own money and he gave it to George. At gunpoint he made me borrow
a thousand dollars from George.
I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then
I said to the guy, "Let me ask you a question. If you are in a spaceship
that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights,
does anything happen?" He said, "I don't know." I said,
"I don't want your job."
I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he
can get me five.
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake. I didn't notice until
I got it set up. People complained because they couldn't see the lake.
I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's
going to be up all night.
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