- The owner says:
-
- 1. "That stain was the best fifty bucks I ever made."
- 2. "Have you had your shots?"
- 3. "If you find any fingers in there, pack 'em in ice and give
us a call."
- 4. "It's almost dry, but you may need to wring the cushions
out."
- 5. "It was a present to my Great Aunt Erma after her bladder
surgery."
- 6. "It fell off a truck. At least, I figure it did, since we
found it by the highway."
- 7. "You can have those Fritos."
- 8. "I once spent ten days tied to this couch."
- 9. "It's non-flammable, unless you really try."
- 10. "It should be clean, we hosed it off."
- 11. "Watch that spring, it gave me some nasty scars."
- 12. "It can even float for nearly an hour."
- 13. "You like the smell of beer, don't you?"
- 14. "It's not supposed to fold out, but it will if you push
hard enough."
- 15. "I guess olive and orange were popular colors back then."
- 16. "It used to be a lot longer."
- 17. "You'll need the brick to keep it level, unless you've
got a saw."
- 18. "AmVets and Goodwill wouldn't take it."
- 19. "Don't smoke near it."
- 20. "You can hardly tell where they hurled."
- 21. "The fire hardly touched this side."
- 22. "It only smells this way when it's humid."
-
- You make any of these observations:
-
- 23. There's a large red tag on it marked "Evidence".
- 24. The cushions begin crawling away.
- 25. The fabric on the back has been repaired with a "Rebel
And Proud" bumper sticker.
- 26. The owner asks you to sign a waiver.
- 27. What you thought was powdered sugar from a donut appears to
be moving.
- 28. It appears to have reached its present location by being dragged
several miles on its side.
- 29. The owner appears to be scratching himself rather frequently.
- 30. The owner seems reluctant to actually sit on or touch it himself.
- 31. A tag on the back says "Property of Blessed Hope Mission".
- 32. It has its own nickname.
- 33. More than a dozen people know its nickname.
- 34. More than a hundred people know its nickname from a story in
the local paper.
- 35. Someone appears to have constructed a drink holder on the armrest
with a hacksaw, a torch, and a glue gun.
- 36. There are mushrooms growing on the back.
- 37. It seems to generate its own heat.
- 38. Stuffing is protruding from bullet holes.
- 39. There appears to be more duct tape than vinyl on the cushions.
- 40. It growls when you sit on it.
- 41. It has a faint smell of ammonia.
- 42. Integral parts of its structure have been replaced with a garden
hoe, a flasher barricade, and the drop gate from a railroad crossing.
- 43. The bottom is covered with asphalt and/or straw.
- 44. There's a coin slot on the armrest.
- 45. There are labels in various spots that say "No Step".
- 46. The owner occasionally pauses to pick things off of it and taste
them.
- 47. It appears to have been spray-painted its present color.
- 48. You hear scampering noises inside.
- 49. The owner offers to throw in a free:
- can of Lysol
- can of Raid
- flyswatter
- flea collar
- ant trap
- vial of penicillin
- 50. Under the cushions you find:
- half a bottle of ketchup
- empty shotgun shells
- an entire squirrel skeleton
- Jimmy Hoffa's wallet
- a glass eye
- ticket stubs from the 1939 World's Fair
- used prophylactics
- he muffler from a '72 Dodge
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