- Report from Week 110, in which we asked you
to come up with absurd warning labels for common products. We loved one
particular entry for its wonderful idiocy:
-
- On a cardboard windshield sun shade: "Warning: Do Not Drive
With Sun Shield in Place." We were going to make it a winner, until
we discovered that it wasn't made up.
-
- Fourth Runner-Up -- On an infant's bathtub: Do not throw baby out
with bath water. (Gary Dawson, Arlington)
-
- Third Runner-Up -- On a package of Fisherman's Friend(R) throat
lozenges: Not meant as substitute for human companionship.
- (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)
-
- First Runner-Up -- On a roll of Life Savers: Not for use as a flotation
device.
- (Jean Sorensen, Herndon)
-
- Honorable Mentions:
-
- On a Pentium chip: If this product exhibits errors, the manufacturer
will replace it for a $2 shipping and a $3 handling charge, for a total
of $4.97.
- (Russell Beland, Springfield)
-
- On a refrigerator: Refrigerate after opening.
- (Cissie J. Owen, Leesburg)
-
- On a disposable razor: Do not use this product during an earthquake.
- (Jim Gaffney, Manassas)
-
- On a handgun: Not recommended for use as a nutcracker.
- (Art Grinath, Takoma Park)
-
- On pantyhose: Not to be used in the commission of a felony.
- (Judith Daniel, Washington)
-
- On a piano: Harmful or fatal if swallowed.
- (Peter Fay, Herndon)
-
- On a can of Fix-a-Flat: Not to be used for breast augmentation.
- (Jerry Robin, Gaithersburg)
-
- On Kevorkian's suicide machine: This product uses carbon monoxide,
which has been found to cause cancer in laboratory rats.
- (Meg Sullivan, Potomac)
-
- On Lyndon LaRouche literature: Mr. LaRouche is a serious political
figure and not a paranoid lunatic, and should therefore, Hey, what are
you looking at? Quit staring at me.
- (Meg Sullivan, Potomac)
-
- On work gloves: For best results, do not leave at crime scene.
- (Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills)
-
- On a palm sander: Not to be used to sand palms.
- (Patrick G. White, Taneytown)
-
- On a calendar: Use of term "Sunday" for reference only.
No meteorological warranties express or implied.
- (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)
-
- On Odor Eaters: Do not eat.
- (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)
-
- On Sen. Bob Dole: WARNING: Contents under pressure and may explode.
- (Doug Keim, Schaumburg, Ill. )
-
- On a blender: Not for use as an aquarium.
- (Gary Dawson, Arlington)
-
- On syrup of ipecac: Caution: May cause vomiting.
- (Paul Styrene, Olney)
-
- On a revolving door: Passenger compartments for individual use only.
- (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)
-
- On a microscope: Objects are smaller and less alarming than they
appear.
- (J. Calvin Smith, Laurel)
-
- On children's alphabet blocks: Letters may be used to construct
words, phrases and sentences that may be deemed offensive.
- (David Handelsman, Charlottesville)
-
- On a wet suit: Capacity, 1.
- (J. Calvin Smith, Laurel)
-
- And Last: On The Washington Post: Do not cut up and use for blackmail
note.
- (Joseph Romm, Washington).
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- Created, edited or updated on: 06.04.99
- Copyright information: Copyright, The Washington
Post, Sunday May 14, 1995, Final Edition, all rights reserved
- $idekick's laugh-o-meter rating: 4
(and on $idekick's website: webmaster makes no claims, expressed or implied,
that laughter will occur)
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