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Funny Computer Jokes
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Chaos
A doctor, an architect, and a computer scientist were arguing about whose profession
was the oldest. In the course of their arguments, they got all the way back to the Garden
of Eden, whereupon the doctor said, "The medical profession is clearly the oldest, because
Eve was made from Adam's rib, as the story goes, and that was a simply incredible surgical
feat." The architect did not agree. He said, "But if you look at the Garden itself, in the
beginning there was chaos and void, and out of that, the Garden and the world were created.
So God must have been an architect." The computer scientist, who had listened to all of
this said, "Yes, but where do you think the chaos came from?"
 
Microsoft Vs General Motors
At COMDEX Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated:
"If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving
twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon."
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating :
If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
--For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.
--Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.
--Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
--Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
--Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but it would only run on five percent of the roads.
--The airbag system would say "Are you sure? Y/N" before going off.
--Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lift the door handle, turn the key, and grab hold of the radio antenna.
--GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more.
--Everytime GM introduced a new model car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as in the old car.
--You'd press the "start" button to shut off the engine.
you know you are addicted to internet when
1. Your bookmarks takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.
2. You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved and you don't have a clue when it happened.
3. All of your friends have an @ in their names.
4. You've already visited all the links at Yahoo and you're halfway through Excite.
5. You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.
6. Your phone bill is delivered in a box.
7. You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.
8. The last girl you picked up was only a jpeg.
9. You forget what year it is.
10. You begin to wonder how on earth your service provider is allowed to call 200 hours per month "unlimited."
Microsoft's Support Center
There was a pilot flying a small single engine charter plane, with a couple of very important executives on board. He was coming into the Seattle airport through thick fog with less than 10 miles visibility when his instruments went out.
He began circling around looking for a landmark. Finally, a small opening in the fog appears and he sees a tall building with a guy working alone on the fifth floor. He banks the plane around, rolls down the window and shouts to the guy, "Hey where am I?"
The man replies, "You're in an airplane." The pilot rolls up the window, executes a 275 degree turn and proceeds to perform a perfect blind landing on the airport runway 5 miles away. Just as the plane stops, so does the engine as the fuel has run out.
The passengers are amazed and one asks how he did it.
"Quite easy," replies the pilot, "I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100 percent correct but absolutely useless, therefore, that must be Microsoft's support office and from there the airport is just five miles due East."
Bil meets Satan
Eventually, Bill dies and Satan is there to greet him. "Welcome Mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You've been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since you've got me in a good mood, I'll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you'll be locked up forever."
Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured.
He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions.
Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a beautiful young blonde with an alluring look on her face, sitting at a table on which there is a bottle of the finest wine. To Bill's delight, he sees a PC in the corner.
Without hesitation, Bill says "I'll take this option."
"Fine," says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan locks the room after Bill. As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer.
"That was Bill Gates!" cried Lucifer. "Why did you give him the best place of all!"
"That's what everyone thinks" snickered Satan. "The bottle has a hole in it and the girl hasn't!"
"What about the PC?"
"It's got Windows Me!" laughed Satan. "And the keyboard is missing three keys,"
"Which three?"
"Control, Alt and Delete."
Billy and God
Bill Clinton, Al Gore, and Bill Gates all died in a plane crash and went to meet their maker. The supreme deity turned to Al and asked, tell what is important about yourself.
Al responded that he felt that the earth was the ultimate importance and that protecting the earth's ecological system was most important. God looked to Al and said, " I like the way you think, come and sit at my left hand".
God then asked Bill Clinton what he revered most. Bill Clinton responded that he felt people and their personal choices were most important. God responded, " I like the way you think, come and sit at my right hand".
God then turned to Bill Gates, who was staring at him indignantly. God asked "What is your problem Bill Gates?"
Bill Gates responded " I think you are sitting in my chair".
Gender
To decide the gender of computers two groups were created one of men and other of women. Group of women reported that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:
-- In order to get their attention you have to turn them on.
-- The have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
-- The are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.
-- As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer you could have had a better model.
The men, on the other hand, concluded that computers should be referred to in the feminine gender because:
-- No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
-- The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
-- Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
-- As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half of your paycheck on accessories for it.
Jack the COBOL programmer
Jack was a COBOL programmer in the mid to late 1990's. For years he was treated as a technological dinosaur by all the UNIX programmers and web site developers, but now Jack was finally getting some respect. He'd become a private consultant specializing in Year 2000 conversions. He was working short-term assignments for prestige companies, traveling all over the world on different assignments. He was working 70 and 80 and even 90-hour weeks. Several years of this relentless, mind-numbing work had taken its toll on Jack. He had problems sleeping and began having anxiety dreams about the Year 2000. It had reached a point where even the thought of the year 2000 made him nearly violent and now all he could think about was how he could avoid the year 2000 and all that came with it.
Jack contacted a company that specialized in cryogenics. He made a deal to have him frozen until March 15th, 2000. This was a very expensive process but totally automated. He was thrilled. The next thing he would know is he'd wake up in the year 2000 -- after the phony New Year celebrations and computer debacles -- after the leap day. Nothing else to worry about except getting on with his life. He was put into his cryogenic receptacle, the technicians set the revive date, he was given injections to slow his heartbeat to a bare minimum, and that was that.
The next thing that Jack saw was an enormous and very modern room filled with excited people. They were all shouting "I can't believe it!" and "It's a miracle" and "He's alive!". There were cameras (unlike any he'd ever seen) and equipment that looked like it came out of a science fiction movie. Someone who was obviously a spokesperson for the group stepped forward. Jack couldn't contain his enthusiasm. "It is over?" he asked. "Is 2000 already here? Are all the millennial parties and promotions and crises all over and done with?"
The spokesman explained that there had been a problem with the programming of the timer on Jack's cryogenic receptacle -- it hadn't been year 2000 compliant. It was actually eight thousand years later, not the year 2000. But the spokesman told Jack that he shouldn't get excited; someone important wanted to speak to him.
Suddenly a wall-sized projection screen displayed the image of a man that looked very much like Bill Gates. This man was Prime Minister of Earth. He told Jack not to be upset. That this was a wonderful time to be alive. That there was world peace and no more starvation. That the space program had been reinstated and there were colonies on the moon and on Mars. That technology had advanced to such a degree that everyone had virtual reality interfaces which allowed them to contact anyone else on the planet, or to watch any entertainment, or to hear any music recorded anywhere.
"That sounds terrific," said Jack. "But I'm curious. Why is everybody so interested in me?"
"Well," said the Prime Minister. "The year 10000 is just around the corner, and it says in your files that you know COBOL...".
Computer Jargon: As Explained in country side Texas
LOG ON: Makin a wood stove hotter.
LOG OFF: Don't add no more wood.
MONITOR: Keepin an eye on the wood stove.
DOWNLOAD: Gettin the farwood off the truk.
MEGA HERTZ: When yer not kerful gettin the farwood.
FLOPPY DISC: Whatcha get from tryin to carry too much farwood.
RAM: That thar thing whut splits the farwood.
HARD DRIVE: Gettin home in the winter time.
WINDOWS: Whut to shut wen it's cold outside.
BYTE: Whut them dang flys do.
CHIP: Munchies fer the TV.
MICRO CHIP: Whut's in the bottom of the munchie bag.
MODEM: Whut cha did to the hay fields. (mow them)
DOT MATRIX: Old Dan Matrix's wife.
LAP TOP: Whar the kitty sleeps.
MOUSE: Whut eats the grain in the barn.
ENTER: Northerner talk fer "C'mon in y'all"
RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: Wen ya cain't 'member whut ya paid fer the rifle when yore wife asks.
MOUSE PAD: That hippie talk fer the rat hole.
Where am I ?
A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts:
'Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?'
The man below says: 'Yes. You're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field.'
'You must be a computer engineer says the balloonist.
'yes' replies the man. 'How did you know?'
'Well' says the balloonist, 'Everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's no use to anyone.'
The man below says, 'You must work in management.'
'I do' replies the balloonist, 'but how did you know?'
'Well, ' says the man, 'You don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help you. And now you're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault that you are lost.'
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