Surdi Jokes ~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A Sardarji finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble. He's so desperate that he decides to ask Bhagwan for help. He goes into the temple and begins to pray. "Oh Bhagwan, please help me, I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well, please let me win the lotto". Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it. The Sardarji goes back to the synagogue. "Bhagwan, please let me win the lotto, I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well". Lotto night comes and the Sardarji still has no luck!! Back to the temple... "My Bhagwan, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house, my car and my wife and children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. Why won't you just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order???". Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the sky parts open and the Sardarhi is confronted by the voice of the God: "SARDARJI, GIVE ME A BREAK, BUY A DAMN LOTTERY TICKET". Punjabi and Bengali patriotism A Punjabi Sardar and a Bengali Babu were talking about their State's patriotic history during the freedom struggle. The debate heated up and both ended up claiming that their state had the maximum number of freedom fighters. They finally agreed on a method to find which of the states had more freedom fighters. Each person would say the name of a freedom fighter from his state and pull one hair out of his opponents head. Both of them began earnestly. "Bhagat Singh" said the Sardar and pulled one hair from the Bengali. "Netaji" said the Bengali and did the same. They continued like this for some time, but sardarji soon exhausted all known freedom fighters. The Bengali, however, was very clever. He used Sardar's ignorance and reeled off a lot of imaginary names. The Punjabi was stuck. He did not know any more Punjabi freedom fighter's name. He thought deeply for a moment, jumped on the Bengali's head and pulled all his hair out shouting - "JallianWala Bagh". Sardar fills forms One great day in Bombay, a couple were on a honeymoon tour. They saw one sardarji in front of a hospital (Breach Candy) was trying to fill some form. So the couple enquired eagerly "What are you doing ?" Sardarji replied that I had a baby and I am filling the birth certificate form. The couple as per schedule, took the Bombay to Delhi Flight for their next destination. On the next day, they find the same Sardarji, in front of Lal Qilla in Delhi filling the same form. So once again young couple curiously asked - "What are you doing here ?" Sardarji once again replied I had a baby and I am filling the birth certificate form. The couple said but sardarji yesterday you were in Bombay filling the same form, how come you're in Delhi? Sardarji cooly replied It is written here - "FILL IN CAPITALS" Once a Sardarji was travelling on a train. He felt sleepy so he gave the guy sitting opposite him on the train 20 rupees to wake him up when the station arrived. This guy was a barber, and he felt that for 20 rupees , the sardarji deserved more service. So, when the Sardarji fell asleep, the barber quietly shaved off his beard. When the station arrived, the Sardarji was woken up, and he went home. Reaching home, he went to wash his face, and suddenly screamed when he saw the mirror. Said his wife " What's the matter?"Replied he "The cheat on the train has taken my 20 rupees and woken up someone else" Sardar and the lie detector An Englishman, an American and a Sardarji are called upon to test a lie detector. The Englishman says: "I think I can empty 20 bottles of beer". BUZZZZZZ, goes the lie detector. "Ok", he says, "10 bottles". And the machine is silent. The American says: "I think I can eat 15 hamburgers". BUZZZZZZ, goes the lie detector. "Allright, 8 hamburgers". And the machine's silent. The Sardarji says: "I think...", BUZZZZZZ goes the machine. Exam Sardar Gurbachan Singh is appearing for his University final examination which consists of Y/N type questions. He takes his seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes his wallet out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet - Y for Heads and N for Tails. Within half an hour he is all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out. During the last few minutes, he is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating. The invigilator, alarmed, approaches him and asks what is going on. "Oye, I finished the exam in half an hour". "But yaar", he says, "I am rechecking my answers and am not able to tally them with what I wrote." Chess Santa Singh is Flying from Moscow to Delhi. To his surprise, sitting right beside him is Gary Kasporov, the world Chess Champion. Santa has always been in awe of Chess players, and immediately starts up a conversation with Gary about the Nuances of the Game etc. Gary says ... "How would You like to Play me for $ 500/ US"? Santa: "But you're too damn good". Gary: "I'll play left handed". Santa cant resist the bet and accepts. Kasparov, Check Mates our Sardar in 8 Moves ....... Santa is still scratching his head, as he leaves the airplane. Upon Reaching Amritsar, Santa tells Banta about the game he had with Kasparov. Banta: "Tu bhi pura buddhu hai Santa". (You're an absolute fool Santa) Santa: "kyon" (why)? Banta: "Abe bewakoof ........ Gary Kasparov Khabbu hai". (You stupid, Gary Kasparov IS a lefty, no wonder he beat you left handed). Convicts Three convicts escaped from prison. One was a Madrasi, one a Gujarati, and one a Sardar. They ran for miles until they came upon an old barn where they decided to hide in the hayloft and rest. When they climbed up, they found three large gunnysacks and decided to climb into them for camouflage. About an hour later the Prison Warden and his assistant came into the barn. The warden told his assistant to go up and check out the hayloft. When he got up there the warden asked him what he saw and the assistant yelled back, "Just three gunnysacks." The warden told him to find out what was in them, so the assistant kicked the first sack, which had the Madrasi in it. He went, "Bow-wow", so the assistant told the warden there was a dog in it. Then he kicked the sack with the Gujarati in it. He went, "Meow", so the assistant told the warden there was a cat in it. Then he kicked the one with the Sardar in it, and there was no sound at all. So he kicked it again, and finally the Sardar said, "Potatoes". Ferrari Santa singh shows up at his friend Banta Singh's Place in a Brand New - Red Ferarri. Banta: Wow Santa, What a car!Where did you get it from ? Santa: I was walking on the highway when a beautiful lady came in this car and asked me - "want a ride Mr. Singh ?" I hopped in, and she took me to the woods. Once in woods she got outside took off clothes and said to me "Mr Singh. take anything" Banta is quite excited and asks "What did you do Santa?" Santa: I took the car. Banta: good show - you wouldn't have fit into her clothes! Sardar's phone call from London Sardar from Bombay went to London. In the evening, he felt like talking to Sardarni. So dialled his residence and the following conversation happened:- Sardar- O-Haello-o-o Reply - Hello Sardar smirks as it is an unfamiliar male voice. Sardar - Oye, kaun hai. Reply - Shaab, main Bahadur. Sardar - Oye, too kahan se aya. Bahadur - Shaab, mujhe aaj hi MemShaab ne naukri pe rakha hai. Sardar shifts uneasily at the revealation of Sardarni's daring at keeping a Hardworking (u can translate work) Pahari bahadur, the day Sardar has left home. Sardar - Oye, khote, ja ke Memsahib nu bula ke mere naal gal kara. Bahadur - Shaab, MemShaab to shota hai. Sardar - Oye, tu Memsahib nu jaga de. Bahadur - Par Shaab, MemShaab to Shaab ke saath sota hai. Sardar is Red and White sorry Wild with anger. Sardar - Dekh oye Bahadur, Tu meri gal sun. Main tera asli Sahib hoon. Bahadur - Shaab, to phir MemShaab ke paas kaun sota hai. Sardar - Woh koi khoti da puttar nakli Sahib ban ke aya hoga. Tu aisa kar, drawing room ki diwar par meri dunali bandook latki hai. Ja use leke aa ja. After a pause.... Bahadur - Haan Shaab, Bandook le aya. Sardar - Ye telephone ke niche wali daraz men goliyaan padi hain. Isme se do goliyaan Bandook mein daal de. After a shuffling and cranking noise... Bahadur - Haan Shaab, dal diya. Sardar - Ab jake us nakli Sahib ko aur Memsahib ko shoot kar de. Rapport of two gunshots is heard and... Bahadur - Haan Shaab, maine dono ko shoot kar diya. Ab lashon ka kya karoon. Sardar - Bahar garden mein gaddha khod ke dono lashon ko dafan kar de. Bahadur - Shaab, aap kya bolta hai. Ye fifteenth floor pe garden kahan se aa gaya. Sardar - Oh, sorry, wrong number. Suicidal Sardar An American, an Italian and a Surd were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building... They were eating lunch and the American said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building." The Italian opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Pasta again! If I get pasta one more time I'm going to jump off, too." The surd opened his lunch and said, "Paratha and dhal again. If I get paratha and dhal one more time I'm jumping too." Next day - The American opens his lunch box, sees corned beef and cabbage and jumps to his death. The Italian opens his lunch, sees pasta and jumps too. The Surd opens his lunch, sees paratha and dhal and jumps to his death also... At the funeral..... The American's wife is weeping...She says, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again! The Italian's wife also weeps and says " I could have given him pizza or lasagna! I didn't realize he hated pasta so much." Everyone turned and stared at the Surd's wife... "Hey, don't look at me," she said, "He makes his own lunch!" Surd Freedom Fighters Once there was a meeting of all the Surd freedom fighters. They were planning for free Punjab. Santa Singh raised a point, "Oh..we'll get Punjab from India but how would we develop it?" That was a difficult question indeed. Suddenly Banta Singh replied, "No problem! we'll attack USA, it would take over us and then we would be a state of USA and we'll automatically get developed." All the surds became happy on this very simple solution but an old surd did not utter a single word. Someone asked him why he wasn't happy. The surd replied, "OH! THAT'S ALRIGHT BUT...WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF BY CHANCE WE TAKE OVER USA ?????" The Kiss Through the center of Lahore there's the new Indo-Pak train speeding along (Samjhuata Express or whatever - which goes between India and Pak. In one compartment of the train there are four people. A beautiful vivacious young woman, an old matronly woman, a Pakistani soldier, and our own Santa Singh. Suddenly the train goes through a tunnel. It is completely dark. They hear a loud kiss and an equally powerful slap. When the train exits the tunnel, the Pakistani soldier is holding the side of his face, and Santa Singh is grinning his face off. The old matronly woman thinks : "Now that's a fine young woman, the Pakistani soldier tries to steal a kiss in the tunnel and the lady slaps him one!" The young woman is thinking : "Now that's a strange Pakistani soldier, he'd rather kiss that old woman than me." The Pakistani soldier is thinking : "Now that's a smart Indian, he steals the kiss and I get slapped." And Santa Singh is thinking : "Gee let come another tunnel! I kiss the back of my hand and will slap the pakistani even harder." Easy Way Out Banta Singh went to an eye specialist to get his eyes tested and asked, "Doctor, will I be able to read after wearing glasses?" "Yes, of course," said the doctor, "why not!" "Oh! How nice it would be ," said Banta with joy, "I have been illiterate for so long." Thanks Your Honour Santa Singh was brought to court on charges of Drunken Driving. Just before the trial there was a commotion in the gallery. The judge pounded the gravel on his table and shouted, "Order, order." Santa immediately responded, "Thank you , your honour, I'll have a scotch and soda." Meaning of Sardar Name What do you call a sardar with one hair ? Iqbal Singh. What is the national drink of Khalistan called ? Sharbat Khalsa. What do you call a sardar who drinks only beer ? Just-beer Singh. What do you call a sardar who has only one drink? Just-one Singh. A female Khalistan terrorist? Hard Kaur. A Sardar is travelling in a DTC bus in Delhi. It's a busy day and our Sardarji is roughing it out, standing up in the aisle and all. In his right hand is his briefcase (which appears to contain some valuables), with his left he is grabbing on to the railing for dear life. The conductor approaches him for a ticket. The Sardar who doesn't have a free hand to pull out his wallet gives the conductor a helpless look. The conductor reaches out for the Sardar's briefcase in an effort to help him out. "nahin! tum upar pakdo" says the Sardar clutching onto his briefcase Sardar Pilots Two Sardarjis (pilots) try to land an airplane in the states. They start descending and as they touch the ground the pilot scream "the runway is ending...". The second pilot swiftly gets the plane back up in the air... They make a big turn and start descending again. The moment they touch the ground, the pilot scream again "Get the plane up, the runaway is ending...". The second pilot swiftly gets the plane back up in the air... They make a big turn and start descending again... This goes on again and again... During their eighth descent the pilot says : "Look at those stupid Americans, they build this huge & expensive airport but with such a short runaway.." "I know" answers the second pilot, "But look how wide they made it...." The Wrong Number Mrs. Banta Singh was in the habit of having long conversation on the telephone, sometimes going on over an hour. One day she hung up after 25 minutes. "What is the matter today? asked her husband. "Today you had less than half an hour conversation on the phone." "I got a wrong number," replied Mrs. Banta Singh. What FINE! Banta Singh was in court charged with parking his car in a restricted area. The judge asked him if he had anything to say in his defence. "They should nto put up such misleading notices,"said Banta Singh." It said , FINE FOR PARKING HERE." Glasses Santa Singh : 'Look Banta, what type of glasses they have made. The top is closed. How can you fill lassi in it ?' Banta Singh : 'Yes, that's funny. And even if you make a hole at the top, how will the lassi stay in the glass when the bottom is open?' Two horses Santa and Banta had just bought two horses.Now the problem was that they could not differenciate between the two horses. So,one day Santa cuts the left ear of his horse, so that it is easy to know that it is his horse.While doing so,an enemy of Santa looks at him.This enemy also cuts the left ear of banta's horse. By doing so santa and banta come in confusion to differenciate. So, next thing santa keeps on cutting his horse's right ear , then his tail , then makes him blind and so on .And the enemy also kept on doing so with banta's horse. At last Santa's horse had no legs left and banta's horse was with one leg only .The enemy also went and cut banta's horse one leg. So, in the morning it was the same sitaution , How to diffrenciate thier horses. So, after thinking and putting lots of effort to thier mind - Santa said - O.K You keep the black one and i will keep the white . Weight Loss The doctor told Sardarji that if he ran eight kilometers a day for 300 days, he would loose 34 kilos. At the end of 300 days, Sardarji called the doctor to report he had lost the weight, but he had a problem. "What's the problem?"asked the doctor. "I'm 2400 kms from home." Sardars Hari Singh and Gani Singh got fed up with the Indian Govt and decided to blow up the parliament. They took 2 bombs, put them in a suitcase in the front seat of their car and set off. Hari Singh asks "What happens if the bombs blast off now". Gani Singh says "Don't worry. I have a spare bomb in the back seat" Sardar Investigates Sardar Singh was very keen on doing his Ph.D. He was in search of a subject on which no one did any research before! As he was thinking over it, he found a cockroach on the table in from of him. He decided instantly to do a research on the roach. He picked the roach and put it in the centre of the table and said: "Run". The roach ran. He pulled out one leg of the roach, put it again in the center of the table and said: "Run". The roach ran. He pulled one more leg of the roach, put it again in the center of the table and said: "Run". The roach ran. This way the roach tried to run even when it had just one leg. He pulled last leg of the roach, put it again in the center of the table and said: "Run". The roach could not! Our Professor was satisfied with his study and started writing his thesis: "When you pull out all the legs of a roach, it cannot hear anymore". Confusion Santa Singh goes into an electrical goods store, you know one of these stores that sells fridges, TVs etc. Santa walks up to the salesman, points and says, "I want to buy this TV." The salesman say, "Sorry, we do not sell anything to surds." So Santa goes away and comes back two hours later after having a haircut, points and says, "I want to buy this TV." The salesman once again replies, "Sorry, we do not sell anything to surds." Santa goes away again and comes back two hours later with his beard and moustache also shaved, points, and says, "I want to buy this TV". The salesman once again replies, "Sorry, we do not sell anything to surds, Why are you wasting your and my time? Don't come back in the shop again!" Santa says sheepishly, "OK, you do not sell to Surds. But tell me how did you figure out that I was a surd even after I had shaved my hair, moustache and beard. The salesman replied, "Because that TV you want to buy is actually a microwave oven." Kidnapping Sardar There was a Sardarji who was down on his luck. In order to raise some money he decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. He went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him,"I've kidnapped you."The Sardarji then wrote a note saying: "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag & put it beneath the mango tree next to the slide on the north side of the city playground". Signed, "A Sardarji" The Sardarji then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the Sardarji checked, and sure enough a paper bag was sitting beneath the mango tree. The Sardarji opened up the bag and found the $10,000 with a note saying, "How could you do this to a fellow Sardarji?!" KHALISTAN JOKES Khalistan National Drink : Sarbat Khalsa. Khalistan National Bird : Tandoori Chicken. International Airline : Kitthe Pacific. National Airline : Itthe Pacific. National Anthem : Sten-a gun-a man-a .......... National Taxi Service : Kar Seva. National song : Bande marte hum. Female terrorist : Hard Kaur. National dish : AKALI-DAAL. Sikh scuba diver : JULL-UNDER SINGH. Better adapted sikh diver : JULLUNDER SINGH GILL. Sardaar Tid-Bits Why did 18 sardarjis go to a movie? Because below 18 was not allowed. Sardar ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces. "Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces." What do you do when a Sardar throws a hand grenade at you? Pull the pin and throw it back. What do you do when a Sardar throws a pin at you? Run like Hell....he's got a hand grenade in his mouth. Why do Sardars work seven days a week? So you don't have to re-train them on Monday. What do you call 10 Sardars standing ear to ear? A wind tunnel. Why can't Sardar dial 911? They can not find the eleven on the phone What do smart Sardar and UFOs have in common? You always hear about them but you never see them. Did you hear about the latest invention by a sardar scientinst? It's a solar powered flashlight. Pain Santa Singh went to the Doctor and complained that he was aching all over. "Where exactly are you hurting?", asked the doctor. Santa Singh replied, "All over my body, Doctor." He touched his left hand with his forefinger, "It hurts when I touch here". He touched his right leg. "It hurts here also." He touched his back, arms, stomach - everywhere and said it hurt in all places. The doctor took some x-rays and said, "Santa Singh! I've caught your problem! You have a sprain in your forefinger!" |