CHAPTER 10: YOU & I

It’s not the pale moon that excites me
That thrills and delights me
Oh no, it’s just the nearness of you
It isn’t your sweet conversation
That brings this sensation
Oh no, it’s just the nearness of you

When you’re in my arms
And I feel you so close to me
All my wildest dreams come true
I need no soft lights to enchant me
If you only grant me the right
To hold you ever so tight
And to feel in the night
The nearness of you

Everything ceased to move around me. Time stood still as I gazed into her eyes. All that longing, all that wanting was suffocating me. I didn’t realise just how hard and loud I was breathing. She still hadn’t taken her eyes off me. I was amazed that they held no fear. Unless it was just a figment of my over enthusiastic imagination. My heart felt as if it was beating overtime and I was sure she felt it too. After all, she had her hands propped against my chest. What surprised me though was that she made no attempt to push me away. Was that a sign? She continued looking at me, as if daring me to make the first move, as if waiting to see what I would do next.

I looked at her again. Was she really waiting? How would she take it? What would her reaction be? What would I do if she pushed me away? I was at a total loss. I had thought about this moment, wished for even, since the day I met her. Now that it was here, all I could do was stare dumbfoundedly into her eyes. How long had we been in this position? Jess below me. Me on top of her. Unmoving. It felt like forever. I lifted my hand and nervously brushed a wisp of hair off her face. She didn’t even blink at my touch. She just kept looking at me. She was waiting. I knew she was. All I had to do was move my face down a fraction towards those supple lips of hers and... I was dying to taste them. I had been dying to taste them all my life. It was now or never.

But I couldn’t move. Damn it. I just couldn’t move.

“Umm...” I mumbled.

That did it. Jess seemed to jolt back to earth and I now felt her trying to push me away. I moved off her and she slid back up. We sat there side by side, a little uncomfortable, not daring to look at each other.

“Err...I’d better clear up the mess in the kitchen,” Jess muttered as she got up and scurried off to the kitchen in a hurry. I followed.

“Hey, let me do the cleaning up since you did all the cooking. Why don’t you go wash up and rest instead,” I said to her.

She looked at me nervously as if wondering what else I had up my sleeve. Then she nodded silently and headed for her room.

Sigh. For a moment there, I really thought Jess might have felt the same way as I did. I didn’t know now and I didn’t have the courage to find out. Great Terri. Just great. Jess was probably going to start avoiding me all over again. Damn, I hated myself. Why was I such a coward?

It took me about 2 hours to clean the mess Jess had created. But I wasn’t complaining. It gave me a reason to stay out of her way. I guess she was thinking the same too because she hadn’t come out of her room since she went in. I padded softly up to her door and placed my ear on it, trying to hear if she was still awake. There was nothing - absolute silence. I tried the handle. It wasn’t locked. I was a little relieved that she hadn’t found that necessary. I opened it an inch and peeked inside. Her room was in darkness. The light from the hallway illuminated through the crack and I could see her asleep on the bed.

I tiptoed inside and quietly sat on the bed next to her sleeping body. “Jess?” I whispered. There was no answer. She must be really tired. I looked at her and a smile crept up my face. She seemed so peaceful. So vulnerable. And so beautiful. Oh Jess, I love you so much. I’ve loved you the moment I set eyes on you. But you never knew, did you? That’s because I’m scared. I’m scared that if I told you or if you ever found out, I’d lose you. So I had to be contented being your best friend. As long as you were there beside me. As long as I could hear your voice every day. As long as I could see you smile. As long as your laughter filled my ears. There was nothing more I could ask for.

I sat there for a few more minutes just watching her sleep. If only things were different. If only we were in another life or place, in another world or time, then maybe, just maybe you’d be mine, to have and to hold, always. I tasted the salt of my tears on my lips and hastily wiped them away. Then I got up slowly and gently adjusted her comforter so that it covered her snugly to her neck.

“I love you Jess,” I whispered under my breath.

With that I turned to leave, stopping only once to steal another glance at her. “Goodnight,” I said as I closed the door behind me.

(song credit: The Nearness Of You by Frank Sinatra.)