CHAPTER 20: HAPPY BIRTHDAY

Sunday, 9 June 2002

I felt the heat of the flame on my face as I bent down towards it.

"Are you sure it's not going to melt the straw?" I asked nervously.

"Wax on, wax off," Mag droned, moving her arms robotically as if polishing an imaginary car.

"How about fastening my seatbelt first?" I said, still hesitating. After all, it was a Flaming Lamborghini. A seatbelt sounded like a good idea. And anyway, the red light which read 'Please fasten your seatbelt' kept blinking on and off in front of me.

"Drink drink drink! Go go go! Ole ole ole!" shouted Alex who suddenly looked very much like Darth Vader in an English football jersey.

"Heeyah! Giddyup!" And in trottered Tacky on all fours with Carol sitting astride him cracking a whip.

"Ai yee ya yee yaaaaaa," Bowie swung in on a vine and stole the Flaming Lamborghini from under my nose. "Don't drink that. It's potent!"

The next thing I knew...Wham! Bam! Bowie the King of the Jungle had rammed into a pillar. The Flaming Lamborghini fell out of his grasp and landed among some radio scripts which burst out in a nice bright orange.

"Oh look. A bonfire," Jess said.

"Campfire's burning, campfire's burning, gather round, gather round," sang Louis as he strummed on a guitar.

"Where are the girl guides? Where are the girl guides?" Jules pranced about in a pink dress which made him look like Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz. "I'll click my heels and I'll soon be home and they'll all be waiting for me there."

"Fore!" and then a 'whack'. Carol lowered the iron which she had just swung. Tacky zoomed off into the fairway, only to return with a golf ball in his mouth which he obediently dropped in front of Carol.

"Resistance is futile, you know. You might as well join the co-operative," remarked a now very Borg-looking Alex.

"Ah! Here it is!" Mag shouted. Scattered in front of her were handy tools of all kinds. She held up a screwdriver for me to see. "Now we need to look for a Mary and make her bloody!"

I nodded. "But first, we need to land this B-52 and reload the AK47!"

"Here kitty, kitty, kitty," Jules meandered in and out of the furniture.

The door to the saloon suddenly crashed opened and in the doorway stood Jess with what looked like a stake in her hand. "Any vampires here?" she asked.

"This town ain't big enough for the both of us," Louis stepped out of the shadows and into Jess, the vampire slayer's, path. His hands were at his hips ready to draw his weapons - two giant pencils.

"Ring, ring. Telephone call for Floozie Flo," said a Bowie carrying a mini blackboard and ringing a little golden bell. "Telephone call for Floozie Flo."

I reached over for the phone and picked up the receiver. "Hello?"

Huh? That wasn't the phone.

I opened my eyes and stared blankly at the ceiling for a moment. Brief images of jungle men, cowboys and vampire slayers flashed about in my mind. I think I shouldn't have eaten that pizza before going to bed. Anchovy and salami monsters were definitely haunting my dreams.

Then realising that the incessant ringing was the alarm clock instead, I threw my arm over towards the direction of where the irritating noise was coming from. With a clink and a brrring and a crash, it finally stopped ringing.

The figure next to me stirred, pulled the doona snugly around him and let out a muffled groan. "What time issit?"

"Too early," I grumbled and snuggled up closer, at the same time pulling the doona back towards me.

"Mmm..." he mumbled as he placed a peck on my forehead, which he probably thought would be a good distraction because I felt the quilt slip off me and saw it slip about him instead.

A tug-of-war was going on here and I wasn't about to let him win.

With a yank, I managed to get all of the doona over to my side. I grinned to myself in satisfaction.

Ouff! I felt this huge weight roll over on top of me. Git off, I jerked about hoping to throw him off but to no avail. He had my arms and body pinned down.

"You're mine, all mine," Bowie snickered, then rolled off me, pulling the doona with him.

That sneaky bastard.

I rolled over to him and with all my might gave a huge shove.

"Hey!" he yelled. And then a loud thud on the floor. I smiled to myself and victoriously wrapped the doona around me.

Bowie picked himself up from the floor, rubbing his now very sore bottom. "What did I do to deserve you, Flora Lee?" he muttered to himself as he shook his head.

Uh-huh. Yup, Bowie and I were together. Finally.

So what did happen? How did 'it' happen?

I guess it was only inevitable. I mean, I had already 'lost' Alex and Tacky. Who else was there left but Bowie? Surely, fate wouldn't be so cruel as to deny me all three men. Then again, with my luck, I wouldn't have bet on it.

But as it turned out, luck decided to smile upon me this one time round. (Thank goodness.)

Of course, after those two disastrous outcomes, I ran crying all the way to Bowie who was only too happy to accept me with opened arms. Okay, I made that bit up. I didn't know if he was happy to accept me with opened arms or not. But whatever, I ran crying to him anyway.

I guess he was too shocked at my reaction and if he had wanted to end things like how Alex and Tacky did, he probably didn't dare to do it that time seeing how I was behaving.

Anyway one thing just led to another and another and another. And still he hadn't said anything about not wanting me in his arms.

So here we were now, 2 months later...

The smell of frying bacon woke me from my dazed slumber. As if on autopilot, I let my nose guide me all the way out of the bedroom and into the kitchen where I found a still unshaven Bowie standing next to the stove.

"Good morning, you lazy pig," he grinned at me.

I mumbled some incoherent reply and plonked myself down at the bench.

Eh? What was that in front of me?

I rubbed my eyes just to make sure I was awake and not still dreaming.

"Yes, it's for you," I heard Bowie chuckle. "Go on, open it," he said as he came up behind me and wrapped his arms around me, nuzzling his chin on my shoulder.

"Happy birthday, Flo," he whispered in my ear and pecked me on the cheek.

Birthday? Oh yea, today was my birthday. How could I have forgotten? Hmm...I guess alcohol tends to do that...I vaguely remembered there being some party last night...or was that a dream again?

Oh whatever.

I picked up the present and gave it a little shake. "What is it?" I asked him.

"Just open it," Bowie grinned.

I tore the wrapper off enthusiastically, revealing a red velvet box.

"Wow," I gasped as soon as I opened it. Staring at me was a little solitaire diamond pendant held up by a necklace.

"You shouldn't have," I wheezed.

"Well, I did."

With that he took it out of my hands and brought it around my neck. And I couldn't help but think that this was the best birthday I've had in a long time.

The diamond was definitely a bonus but the best part was, of course, snaring myself a man before I turned thirty.