The plane trip to Washington was a real bundle of laughs. As we already had a row of seats booked, I had sat between Jade and Brian. Both of who barely said a word the entire flight. Nick was on Brian’s other side and the two of us had tried our damnedest to get them to at least talk like friends. In the end we had lapsed into silence also, shooting each other frustrated looks from time to time. Quite frankly, I am relieved to be back in another hotel room. I’m so tired of hotel rooms – they all look the same, but they are most definitely preferable to being in the company of two stubborn ex-lovers. When we got to the hotel, Nick and Brian had gone to the hotel desk for their room keys. Jade and Brian were booked into the same room and Brian had quickly changed it, giving Nick Jade’s room key before walking away without a word to any of us. I stretch out on my bed and close my eyes. I need a little sleep – flying always has this effect on me – and then I’ll go and check up on Jade. Nick will be back soon. He’s talking with Kevin about the Brian and Jade situation, figuring that if Brian won’t talk to him, he might turn to his cousin.
Nick knocks on Kevin’s door and waits a couple of minutes before Kevin answers.
“Hey bro, ya got back!” he grins and gives Nick a quick hug. “How was it? Florida still there?”
“It was real good,” Nick smiles. “But stuff happened and I think ya should know.”
“Oh yeah?” Kevin says nervously and gestures for Nick to come inside and take a seat.
“It’s Brian and Jade,” Nick sighs. “Brian asked Jade to marry him. She said no and then he told her it was over between them.”
“Over?!” Kevin exclaims. “But they’re like rock solid!”
“I thought so too,” Nick shrugs. “Apparently not.”
“Why the fuck did she say no to Brian?!” Kevin asks in shock.
“I know,” Nick agrees. “I know she used to have a problem with commitment and stuff but I thought she’d gotten over that. I thought she loved Brian enough to get over it.”
“Man, I bet he’s devastated,” Kevin says. “Was he?”
“He was makin’ light of it. Sayin’ he was gonna go and find a girl who would marry him. But it’s so obvious that he’s really hurting inside,” Nick says sadly. “I figured you should know so that maybe…”
“I’ll talk to him,” Kevin promises. “AND Jade.”
“Jade?” Nick sounds surprised.
“Hell yeah!” Kevin says angrily. “I wanna know why she strung him along for so long if she didn’t love him or, if she does love him, what the fuck she is playing at!”
“I don’t think even she knows that,” Nick comments. “If she did, it’d solve a lot of this stuff.”
“Well maybe it’s about time she did,” threatens Kevin.
“Hey bro,” AJ greets Brian cheerily as he sees him in the hotel bar. “Good trip back home? Jade back too? And Ali? And Nicky?”
“It was fine,” Brian doesn’t look up from his drink and AJ sits next to him. “I’m not in the mood for company AJ.”
“No shit Sherlock,” AJ mutters. “I kinda got the hint from that big smile ya wearing right ‘cross ya face. What happened? Tell uncle AJ,” he added, trying to lighten his friend’s mood.
“Ok, fine, if ya REALLY wanna know,” Brian looks up at AJ. “I asked Jade to marry me and she said no so it’s over between us. So I guess ya finally got your wish,” he adds angrily and AJ’s eyes widen with shock and hurt.
“I don’t wanna see you unhappy Brian and I accepted it a long time ago that you and Jade are made for each other.”
“WERE,” Brian corrects.
“ARE,” AJ says firmly. “So she said no to the marriage gig,” he shrugs. “It’s not the end. Some people just ain’t the marrying kind.”
“I am,” Brian says sadly.
“Ya REALLY can’t get past it?” AJ asks gently and Brian shakes his head.
“I just needed to know that she loves me every bit as much as I love her. That her world starts and ends with me. And now I guess I’m having to realise that it doesn’t.”
“Oh bro,” AJ put an arm around Brian, feeling incredibly helpless.
I sit down on the single hotel bed and look around the room with tears in my eyes. It feels so small without Brian there. Without his jacket slung over a chair, his shoes on the floor and his hair gel on the table. I miss him so much and this is only day one. Well, I’ve heard that it gets better from here on in. But that could just be another one of those lies to keep you living. Like when your mom swears blue that ripping a plaster off in one go won’t hurt at all and it hurts like hell. The stuff of country songs. Just as I’m about to lie back on the bed there’s a knock at the door. I almost run across the room, hoping that maybe it’s Brian. It’s Kevin. Close enough I guess, same family and all.
“Hey Jade, can I come in a while?” he asks and I nod. He follows me into the room and turns me to face him as I try to move away from him. “Nick told me about you and Brian.”
“Doesn’t take long does it?” I say bitterly.
“He cares about you.”
“About Brian, I know,” I break away from his touch and sit down in a chair.
“And about you. I do too. We ALL do,” he sighs and sits on the edge of the bed. “Jade, I’ve known you for over a year now. You’ve been on this tour with us for practically half a year. You’re part of our family now.”
“I’ll leave as soon as I can,” I tell him, sounding harder than I feel.
“You don’t have to do that.”
“I do Kevin. I like you, I like all of you a lot, but I know Brian is always gonna come first. And that’s ok, but it means I have to leave as soon as I can.”
“Jade, can’t you just talk to him?” he asks.
“I tried,” I sigh. “But he’s right. He’s always right.”
“If he’s right, then why can’t you marry him?”
“I don’t know…”
“Jade,” he sighs. “You love him right?”
“Of course I do.”
“So what else is there to know?”
“But marriage is like FOREVER…”
“And that’s bad how?” he asks confusedly.
“I’m scared he’d end up hating me. That somewhere down the line, he’ll wake up and realise he can do so much better than me. And I couldn’t take that Kevin,” tears spring to my eyes and I blink them back.
“So you’ll do it to yourself now?” he says. “Jade, you are just not making sense. There’s a guy down that hallway who is hurting so bad because he thinks you don’t love him.”
“It’s better in the long run,” I say. “He’ll soon find someone else…”
“Oh for fuck’s sake!” he stands up angrily. “He doesn’t WANT anybody else Jade! He wants you and right now I have no idea WHY!”
He walks out of the room, slamming the door behind him and making me jump. He’s right, I know he is. I just don’t know why I feel this way. I guess it’s a form of self-destruction. Whenever I get a chance at true happiness, or I start to feel content, I just push that big red button labelled Self-Destruct. And I don’t know how to make it right. Brian deserves so much better than me. I cheated on him with AJ and JC, and worse than that – I seem to have a serious weakness for guys who go by their damn initials. I have blown more hot and cold than an air fan. I betrayed his trust by telling Ali what Nick had said about her. I flirt with other guys just to make him jealous cos I feel so insecure when he’s with other people. The best thing I can do for him now is to get the hell out of his life. And I think I know the best way to do that. I can’t tell him about AJ but I can tell him about JC. Maybe then he’ll realise just how much better off he is without me. I take a deep breath and walk out of my room. I knock on Brian’s door and he opens it minutes later.
“Jade,” he murmurs.
“I need to tell you something,” I stare at the floor as he steps back and lets me into his room.
“Sit down,” he offers.
“Thanks,” I sit on the couch and he sits on the edge of the bed. “Brian, I am so sorry that I hurt you but I’m not worth it. I don’t deserve somebody like you.”
“Jade,” he sighs. “I keep telling you that I love you. Why do you think you’re so bad?!”
“Because I am!” I exclaim.
“Jade, you’re not!” he yells angrily. “I am tired of you digging up these dumb excuses. If you don’t love me, just TELL me!”
“I DO love you,” I tell him.
“So why can’t we be together?”
“Because… I kissed somebody else,” I confess quietly.
“What?” he whispers.
“It was last week in Tampa,” I can’t look at him and start playing with my shirt hem. “It was JC Chasez.”
“Of NSync?”
“Yes. I don’t know what happened but he kissed me and…”
“That’s ok,” Brian says. “So he kissed you. That’s not exactly your fault.”
“And I liked it,” I mumble. “I kissed him back and I LIKED it Brian!”
“You did?” he says quietly and I nod miserably. “Jade, will you look at me?”
“I can’t.”
“LOOK at me!” he yells and I look at him. “Do you want to be with him? Is that it?”
“No,” I shake my head.
“But you enjoyed kissing him. Did you…?”
“No!” I yell.
“Ok,” he sighs and his shoulders slump.
“I’m sorry Brian but I couldn’t marry you without you knowing that,” I tell him.
“Well now I know. I hope it makes you feel better,” he mutters. “It’s not like I woulda found out Jade!”
“I couldn’t lie to you.”
“You lied to me when you kissed me after being with him,” he says and stands up. “You should go now.”
“Ok,” I stand up. “I’m sorry Brian. I kissed him but I chose you.”
“Gee thanks. I feel SO much better now,” he says sarcastically and I leave.