Kevin knocks on Brian’s door a couple of hours after he had dropped his bombshell. Brian lets him in and he studies his cousin silently as he crosses the room to sit down. He looks pale and a lot thinner than Kevin remembered. The twinkle in his blue eyes has disappeared and when he smiles it doesn’t reach his eyes. Kevin thought back to the last few concerts and realised Brian’s dancing had been polished but not enthusiastic. And he remembered him standing by the side of the stage breathing heavily once or twice while the other guys were doing audience interaction. How could he not have seen the signs? Was he really so blind that his cousin had had to spell it out before he noticed?
“I’m sorry I didn’t see it before Brian.”
“I should’ve told you.”
“Yes. Don’t leave.”
“I have to Kevin. Jade is more important.”
“Of course she is. But you can have both. All we need to do is tone down our schedules. Just ride out this tour and then we’ll take control of our promotions. I miss Kris too and I’ve been dyin’ to spend time with her so it’s not just you.”
“I know but… I can’t do it Kevin.”
“You want to leave?”
“No but right now I can’t continue. I’m SCARED Kevin. I’m scared of getting a letter from Jade saying it’s over. I’m scared of dyin’ on stage one night. I need time off desperately.”
Kevin looks into Brian’s pain-filled eyes and nods slightly. “Ok, then you’ll get the time off. We’ll postpone the last few dates for a month.”
“We can’t.”
“Of course we can. Our fans will understand. They’d much rather wait a month to see you lookin’ happy then see four of us lookin’ miserable as hell.” Kevin stands up and paces the room, thinking out loud. “We’ll just announce that you need a break cos of your health. It’ll be fine.” He turns to Brian. “Have you got a flight home yet?”
“Yes, it leaves at 7am.”
“Good. You go home and leave everything to me.”
Brian stares at his cousin and then stands up to hug him. “Thank you.”
I feel like crap today and I have no idea why. I mean, sure I miss Brian so much that it hurts but I miss him just the same every day. All I want to do is stay in bed and not hear from anybody. That wish ended when my mom rang. She always knows just how to make me feel better. We talk about nothing but I feel happier. I take a long shower and then turn MTV on. I catch the end of the latest Britney video and then hear Carson Daly saying the Backstreet Boys will be on later. I sit on the couch and watch half of a Sum 41 video before there’s a knock on the front door. I groan. I’m wearing the oldest clothes I own and I really don’t want to act all sociable today. The knock comes again and I walk to open the door. Brian is standing there and I take him in. He looks awful – pale and thin. My heart just crumbles and I reach out for him. He drops his bag and steps into my arms. I hold him tightly and feel his tears against my skin. How had it gotten so bad? I let go of him to pull him inside and shut the door. We walk into the lounge and I turn the sound off on MTV.
“Brian, are you ok?” I ask him as he sits in a chair wearily.
“I’m just tired,” he says rubbing his eyes. I walk over to kneel in front of him. I can’t believe how much he has changed and I feel so guilty that it might be down to me.
“What’s wrong with you Brian?” I reach for his hands.
“Nothin’.”
“Brian… You look awful.”
“Gee, thanks,” he tries to laugh but doesn’t quite pull it off.
“Brian, I love you and I am so sorry I was too stubborn to come back to the tour. But please tell me what’s happened.”
“I missed you so much. And I feel so lost without you. Like I don’t connect any more. And I told the guys how I was feeling and that I wanted to leave.”
“Leave the group?” I repeat in shock.
“Yes. The only thing between us is my job,” he says. “And you are so much more important to me.”
“Brian, we can work it out,” I stroke his hand. “You don’t have to leave.”
“That’s what Kevin said. They’ve given me the next month off and then we’re going to scale down our promotions.”
“Really?” I smile slightly. “That’s amazing.”
“There’s something else Jady,” he leans forward to me. “You know about my heart right?”
“Brian…” I feel like my heart has stopped. “What’s wrong?”
“Jady…” he strokes my hands gently. “Nothing is wrong baby. I’ve just been tired lately and some times… After a show, it’s hard to breathe…”
“Oh my God Brian…” I reach out and hold him tight. “Why didn’t you tell me?!”
“Because I knew it’d have made you come back to the tour and I didn’t want you to come back because you felt sorry for me.”
“I never feel sorry for you,” I tell him, tears in my eyes. “I love you. Have you seen a doctor?”
“No.”
“Why not?” I lean back from him angrily. “You HAVE to see someone!”
“Jady… I’m scared,” he confesses. “I don’t want surgery again.”
My anger melts away and I wrap my arms around him again. “It will be ok baby. We’ll go to your doctor on Monday and everything will be ok. I promise. I’m with you now.”
“There’s one other thing…”
“What?”
“I told the guys ‘bout us bein’ married.”
“What’d they say?”
“Well, I kinda told them right after about leaving the group so it kinda got forgotten…”
“Good strategy,” I say and he starts to laugh. That sound is sheer music to my ears and I smile.
“I love you Mrs Littrell,” he whispers before kissing me deeply.