After spending a week with my parents I fly back to rejoin the tour for the last two weeks. I’m feeling a lot better than I was. I couldn’t tell my parents about losing the baby but I went to see a therapist who I saw back when I was getting off drugs. She was fantastic. She had just listened as I talked through my feelings and my relationship with Nick. I know now that it wasn’t my fault but knowing isn’t the same as feeling. She asked me to tell Nick about it and I agreed, but there’s no way I’m telling him. He doesn’t deserve this kind of pain. I get a cab to the hotel and get a key from reception. I head to the room I’ll share with Nick and open the door. It’s empty and I dump my bag on the couch before walking over to sit on the bed. There’s a note on the pillow and I read it.
So glad you’re back baby! I missed you. Gonna be back around 3 for late lunch so see ya then.
Nick
I smile at his untidy writing and slip the note into my pocket. I’ve kept every note he’s ever written me. Dumb I know but they have sentimental value. I stand up and start to unpack my bag. The phone rings a few minutes later and I pick up quickly.
“Hi.”
“Ali! You finally got here!” Jade exclaims. “I’ve been calling your room all day.”
“Hey Jady,” I laugh. “I got here about ten minutes ago. You at the hotel?”
“Yup, sure am.”
“Come over then,” I tell her and she hangs up, knocking on the door a few minutes later. “It’s open!” I yell and she walks in. We give each other a long hug before standing back and grinning.
“How are you? You look good. I missed you,” she says all at once and I giggle.
“I’m ok. Thanks. I missed you too,” I reply and she sits down with a smile as I carry on unpacking.
“The therapist really helped?”
“Uh huh,” I nod. Jade and I have talked every night since I went back to Brooklyn. I told her all about the therapist and what she said. “She helped me understand that it’s totally natural to feel the way I do. I’m ok. I’m never goin’ to forget what happened but that’s ok cos it’s a part of me now.”
“I am so sorry it happened Ali,” she murmurs.
“I know. Thank you.”
Nick unlocks his room door and walks in. Ali is sat watching TV and he rushes over to her with a wide grin. He throws his arms around her and gives her a big kiss.
“Baby! I missed you.”
“I missed you too,” she grins as he sits by her.
“You look so good,” he tells her, moving her hair back so that he can kiss her neck.
“You do too,” she squirms slightly under his touch.
“I love you.”
“I love you also,” she giggles as he pushes her back down onto the sofa and moves on top of her. His lips trace her collarbone and the curves of her neck before dipping down into her shirt. His hands start to unbutton it and he covers the flesh beneath with kisses. Ali’s body suddenly gets tense and he stops kissing her to look into her eyes. “Not now Nick,” she mutters and pushes him off her so that she can sit up again.
“Ali?” he murmurs, standing up.
“I’m just tired,” she says without looking at him.
“Oh. Ok,” he shrugs. “Want to go get lunch?”
“I’m not hungry.”
“I’ll just go grab a sandwich then,” he heads to the door.
I watch Nick close the door behind him and lie back on the couch. I start to cry. I really love him and I’ve missed him so much and his lips had felt so good on my skin… But the minute his body had touched mine the raw pain of my miscarriage had come back. I am so scared of it happening again. We hadn’t meant to make a baby before, how can I know that it won’t happen all over again? The therapist had warned me of this but I had just shrugged it off. How the hell do I get through this?
Ali has been back for almost a week now and she is still no closer to letting Nick touch her properly. He’s getting incredibly frustrated. When he gets back after a show, he naturally goes to kiss her but she turns away slightly.
“Ali, what is wrong?!”
“Nothing,” she smiles weakly at him.
“Do you not want me anymore?!” he asks angrily.
“Of course I do! I love you Nick.”
“Coulda fooled me!” he sits on the bed and stares at her. “Ever since you got back from Brooklyn you’ve been weird. You won’t let me touch you anymore and I don’t get why. Just tell me Ali!”
“I’m just tired, that’s all,” she shrugs and sits opposite him.
“For a whole seven DAYS?!”
“I…” she gives up and looks at the floor.
“Ali!” he almost yells frustratedly. He stands up and pulls her up, kissing her hard and she pushes him away. “SEE?!”
“Nick…” she breathes heavily, tears filling her eyes.
“You don’t want me anymore! Did I get fat or somethin’?!”
“No! You’re perfect.”
“Yeah? What is it then?!” he yells and she starts to cry. “Ali, I need to know. When we got back together before, we promised no more secrets.”
“I’m just tired Nick,” she sobs.
“Why can’t you just tell me the truth?” he mutters.
“That is the truth! Just because I’m not in the mood to have sex you’re yellin’ at me?!” she covers her pain with anger and he stares at her before marching over to the door and throwing it open.
“It’s not about that! It’s about you not even lettin’ me kiss you these days!” he walks out. He really needs a strong drink and heads to the hotel bar. AJ is sat there on his own with a lemonade and Nick joins him.
“Hey man,” AJ greets then watches as Nick downs a double shot of whiskey. “Whoa.”
“Hey,” Nick says.
“You look like ya needed that.”
“Uh huh.”
“Wanna talk ‘bout it?” AJ offers.
“Not really,” Nick mutters.
“Might help.”
“Ok, fine. Ali won’t let me touch her anymore. Not since she came back from Brooklyn and she won’t tell me why.”
“Oh…” AJ says slowly.
“Exactly,” Nick sighs. “I just don’t get her! I thought she loved me.”
“She does love you,” AJ says. “Maybe you need to give her a little space.”
“Maybe I will do that. How does forever sound?” he asks bitterly.
The sound of the room door closing makes me open my eyes. I check the clock. It’s just after 3am. I haven’t been able to sleep at all. The bed dips as Nick climbs in and I can smell alcohol on his breath.
“Nick?” I murmur.
“What?”
“Just give me a little time. I do love you.”
“Maybe you don’t love me the right way anymore,” he says angrily and I sigh. “But I decided. I’m gonna give you space.”
“You are?”
“Uh huh. The tour finishes soon and you won’t even have to look at me anymore,” he mutters.
“Nick, I don’t want that…”
“Whatever,” he grunts.
“I can’t believe you’re acting this way over SEX!”
“It’s not just SEX!” he yells back, sitting up in bed. “It’s because I can’t even touch you these days! You think I LIKE having my girlfriend back off every time I touch her arm?! It’s like I suddenly grew an extra head and got all slimy!”
“You’re exaggerating,” I mutter.
“I don’t think so.”
“Look, you needed space not so long ago and I gave you it. Why can’t you do the same for me?”
“Al…” he lies back down next to me. “Do you still love me?”
“Of course I do!” I exclaim.
“Fine. Take all the time you need,” he says quietly and pulls the sheets up over his head.