“Oh god, I’m dreading this,” I whisper in Brian’s ear as we walk to the taxi that will take us to my family home. The others have gone to a hotel for the night in order to give me a little time with my family alone. Brian offered to join them but I’m afraid I will just crumble without him. So he stayed. I give the address and twenty minutes later, we pull up outside the house. Brian pays the driver and carries our bags up to the door. I knock nervously. I really don’t know what to expect. And I’m very afraid. I don’t want to see my parents all broken down. My mom opens the door and gathers me into her arms without even drawing a breath. I hold on tightly to her, breathing in her scent. The same perfume that had comforted me when I left for school comforted me now. After the longest minute, she lets go of me. She smoothes back my hair and tucks a stray strand behind my ear.
“I’m glad you’re here Jade,” she says softly before turning to Brian. “And thank you for coming Brian. It’s good to see you.” She reaches out to hug him before leading us inside. “I got Jade’s old room ready for you two. Is that ok?”
“That’s fine mom.”
“Thank you Mary,” Brian says.
We walk into the kitchen where my papa is trying to fix the radio. “Papa!”
“Pookie!” he responds, wrapping me in a big hug. “It’s great to see you honey.”
“You too papa.”
“And Brian,” he greets him warmly.
“How’re you doin’ Tony?”
“I’m ok, son,” my papa nods bravely.
“Well, drinks?” My mom busies herself with playing hostess as we sit at the kitchen table with my papa.
“Any problems?” papa asks.
“No. The airline were real good about Jay,” I tell him. “And his buddies came to escort the coffin off the plane and into the hearse. It was real moving,” I say as tears fill my eyes. It had been awful watching my brother’s coffin being carried by four young guys. A flag had covered it, seeing as he had died in service. It was kinda surreal. I mean, you see that sort of thing on the news all the time. You just never expect it to be somebody you love.
“That’s good,” papa nods.
“Uh huh,” I agree and we sit in silence until the kettle whistles and mom pours us all a coffee.
“You two go sit down, we’ll bring out some sandwiches. You must be starvin’,” she says.
Brian and I take our mugs into the lounge. Jay’s police academy graduation photo is in front of me and I walk over to gently touch his face through the glass. He looks so handsome in his uniform and I smile softly. Brian walks up behind me.
“He was so handsome,” I say.
“Yes, that uniform suited him.”
“I remember that day. I came back from college for that ceremony. He was so proud. And afterwards, he ran around introducing me to everybody. All his buddies and stuff…” I laugh. “He was maniac that day.” Brian laughs with me and my eyes suddenly tear up. “He was always there Brian. How am I goin’ to live my life without him?”
“Hey…” Brian turns me around to face him. “He’s STILL here with you Jady. And you’re gonna live your life FOR him, not without him.”
“I don’t know if I can,” I choke out and bury my head against Brian’s chest. He runs his fingers through my hair.
“You can Jady. You’re the strongest person I know,” he murmurs and I straighten up, walking away from him. I’m not so sure about that. I don’t feel strong right now. I know Brian is here with me but I feel so alone. He’s not a hundred per cent here or completely mine anymore. There’s this distance between us and I hate it. All I want is for him to wrap his arms around me and just hold me, or make love to me so slowly that I can escape this sadness for a while. But I’m the reason there’s this distance. I’m lucky he’s even here. I know that but it doesn’t stop me from feeling so lonely.
“Ali, you ready?” he knocks on her room door and she opens the door after a few seconds. He stares at her and sighs. She looks awful, like she hadn’t slept all night. She’s pale and dark-eyed. Her usually vibrant hair looks dull and is scraped back off her face. Her black dress makes her look even paler than she is. “How you doin’?” he smiles at her.
“I’m ok,” she smiles shakily. “Not looking forward to today.”
“Me neither,” he confesses. “I know I didn’t exactly know Jay but I know you and Jade and Brian. I hate seein’ you all hurting like this.”
“It’s not exactly fun for me either,” she says dryly and closes the door behind her. “Let’s go get this over with.”
“Sure,” he follows her down the corridor. He’s not looking forward to today at all. I mean, who enjoys funerals anyway? But this one will be awful because Jay was so young. Plus he gets to watch Jade hurting and he has to just watch, knowing that there’s nothing he can do to help her. He has done a lot of thinking since he last saw her. He still loves her and he thinks that he probably always will. But she had been right – they weren’t made for each other. They’re too much alike for that. So he’s doing his best to move on from loving her so much that it hurts. And it’s working, slowly.
“JADE! Ali’s here!” my mom yells from the hallway.
I race down the stairs and into Ali’s arms. We hold onto each other tightly, both afraid to let go. It’s the day of Jay’s funeral. Ali’s wearing a black dress and jacket, her blonde hair swept up on top of her head. I’m wearing a dark red dress – Jay’s favourite. I had worn it in Tampa one day and he had loved it. He said the colour brought out my fire and I figure if there’s any day I’m going to need a little fire to get by, it’s today. Eventually, we step back from each other but keep a hold on each other’s hands.
“How you feelin’ Jady?”
“I’m gettin’ by. You?”
“Gettin’ by,” she says.
Her face belies those casual words – she’s very pale and there are dark rims under her eyes from crying and lack of sleep. I’m pretty sure I look worse. I reach up to her hair and pull out the pin holding it in place so that her blonde hair cascades down around her shoulders.
“Jay loved you with your hair down.”
“I know,” she whispers. “I just didn’t know whether it was apt…”
“It’s Jay’s day Ali. Of course it’s ok.” We smile at each other and step away as AJ and Brian join us.
AJ pulls me close for a long hug, “Hey Jady.”
“Hey Aje. Thanks for bein’ here.”
“No place else I wanna be.”
I smile at him gratefully. “So, are the other Boys here?”
“They said they’d meet us at the church,” Brian says. “I think they’re worried about imposing.”