ONE LINERS
Some new and some old....
One Liners,one more time....
When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car."
Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children".
Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.
Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house.
"The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a
desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with
it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house."
- Jeff
Foxworthy -
"See, the
problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood
to run one at a time."
- Robin Williams -
"If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an
infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even
considering if there is a man on base."
- Dave
Barry -
"What do people
mean when they say the computer went down on them?"
- Marilyn
Pittman -
"Relationships
are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If
your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you
two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave
you, they should have to find you a temp."
- Bob Ettinger -
"My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the
lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to
teach you how to swim."
- Paula
Poundstone
"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal
skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study:
Duh."
- Conan O'Brien -
"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway
through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God.... I could be eating a
slow learner."
- Lynda Montgomery -
"I think that's how
Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm
enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's
go west."
- Richard
Jeni -
"If life were
fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead."
-
Johnny Carson -
"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
- Paul
Rodriguez -
"My
parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty, and
that's the law."
- Jerry Seinfeld -
"Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case
of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest
to tallest. What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn
slower?"
- Warren Hutcherson -
"Bigamy is having one
wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same."
- Oscar Wilde -
"Suppose you were an
idiot...And suppose you were a member of Congress...But I repeat
myself."
- Mark Twain -
"Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least
they can find Afghanistan."
- A. Whitney
Brown -
"Ah, yes,
divorce...from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals
through his wallet."
- Robin
Williams -
- Roseanne -
"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
- Billy
Crystal -
"You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a
look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of
that!'"
- Dave Barry -
Do you
know why they call it "PMS"? Because "Mad Cow Disease" was taken.
-Unknown -
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common...they should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.
