Christmas in the DK

Kunzite was taking a nap, when he was rudely awakened.

"Kunzite-sama!"

"What?" He groaned, leaning heavily on one arm, still half asleep. "Zoisite, this had better be good."

Zoisite ignored the threat. "Kunzite-sama! I just heard about this 'Christmas' in the Earth Realm!" The small man was obviously excited.

"Zoisite...we already know about Christmas, thank you, now let me sleep." Sighing, Kunzite rolled over on his stomach intending to go back to sleep.

Zoisite sat down next to him on the bed. "I wanted to give you your Christmas present." He said disappointedly.

"Zoi-chan..." Kunzite moaned, turning to face his lover, who he just noticed was wearing red and green lingerie. He began to drool.

Zoisite grinned. "See? I knew you'd like it."

- - -

"Nephrite?" Jadeite asked. "Neeeephriiite?" He was holding Nephrite's Christmas present. It was obviously a bottle of wine, wrapped in "cheery" Holiday wrapping paper picked out by Zoisite. (He couldn't begin to fathom why Zoisite considered Santa being mauled by reindeer "cheery.") There was a note on it that read, "To Nephrite from your friends, Jadeite, Kunzite, and Zoisite."

"Over here." He heard a groan. He entered the next room to see Nephrite laying on the couch with a hangover.

"I have a splitting headache." He complained.

"And who's fault is that?" Jadeite grinned. "Guess you won't be needing this for awhile."

Nephrite immediately stood up and grabbed the bottle. "Alcoholic beverage...must...drink...must..."

Jadeite sweatdropped. "Uh, Nephrite?"

Nephrite asked, "What is it, Jeda-chan?"

"First off, don't call me that. We're not dating anymore. Second, I thought you already had a hangover. Why make it worse later?"

He sighed. "I suppose you're right." Nephrite reluctantly put the bottle with a bunch of others under a Christmas tree in one corner of the room.

"Goodness! Is that all people gave you?" Jadeite asked, surprised by the quantity of alcoholic drinks.

"No." He held up a small box and handed it to Jadeite.

"Condoms?"

He nodded. "Yeah. From Tetis. I think you'll be getting some from her too." A truly evil smile broke out on his face.

Jadeite sweatdropped. "Tetis?! You've got to be joking!" For some odd reason, Jadeite had not yet noticed the youma's apparent crush on him.

"These were supposed to be a shared present with Naru, she said."

Jadeite glared at him. "I hate that Naru kid. You know that."

Nephrite shrugged, then a light bulb appeared above his head. "Oh yeah. Forgot to tell you. We broke up a week ago. She said her mom wouldn't let her see me anymore because I was a 'bad influence.' "

Without warning, Jadeite flung himself into Nephrite's arms. "Ohthankyouthankyouthankyou!" He looked up at the other man. "That *is* my Christmas present, isn't it?"

Nephrite laughed. "Yours and Cairnsy's."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"NEPHRITE! ZOISITE! JADITE! KUNZITE!" Queen Beryl shouted, "REPORT!"

After about five minutes, Zoisite and Kunzite appeared. Kunzite had lipstick smears on his cheek and was obviously pleased with himself about something. Zoisite's hair was in disarray and his shirt was half unbuttoned (revealing part of the lacy lingerie he was wearing). He glared at her.

After that appeared Jadeite and Nephrite, looking much like the other couple, sans the lipstick and lingerie.

"You're all late." She growled. Then she asked in a menacing tone, "Where's MY Christmas present?"

Apparently it had not occurred to the Shitennou to get the Queen a present.

Zoisite stuttered, "I was..Uh..um...that is to say...we were all just going to get it!"

"Uh, yeah. That's it." Jadeite agreed. Nephrite rolled his eyes, receiving an elbow in the ribs. He nodded agreement while clutching his injured chest.

Kunzite sweatdropped and said, "...We'll...just go get it for you...we have it! Really!" With that, all the Shitennou disappeared.

They reappeared outside the palace.

"Well, GREAT! Just GREAT!" Jadeite muttered. "Now we have to go get Queen Bitch--err, Beryl, a gift in record time or else she'll probably blast us...or worse."

"Worse?" Zoisite asked quizzically.

Kunzite shuddered. "You forget. She owns us. She could make us...do...things..." he attempted to elaborate.

Zoisite gagged and his face paled.

While Kunzite tried to comfort his lover, Nephrite had conjured a bottle of beer and was guzzling away. Jadeite swiped the bottle from him and proceeded to drink out of it as well.

Kunzite informed them, "Well, we'd better think of something very, very quickly." As it was their area of expertise to come up with plans very, very quickly, this was not very difficult.

Dropping the beer, which Nephrite dived to save, Jadeite exclaimed, "I know! Let's get her that Endy-dork, or the first guy we find that resembles him."

All of them agreed on this, and left to the Earth Realm.

- - -

"Mamo-chan!" Usagi exclaimed, running to hug her boyfriend as he walked down the street.

"Hey, Odango." He chuckled. "I thought you didn't get out of school for another four hours."

Usagi sweatdropped. "Well, you see....Rei, that PYRO, lit a garbage can on fire using 'Fire soul', and it just happened to filled with gunpowder. It blew up, taking about half of the city with it." (hehe. Just happened. *Julie-chan sneaks away, bag of gunpower in tow* What? ^_^)

Mamoru, being clueless as he usually is, hadn't noticed the explosion. "Really?!" He asked, surprised.

She nodded. "It didn't take out the temple, though. I think Rei would've deserved it."

Minako ran down the street, and stopped when she saw the two. "Usagi-chan, Mamoru-san! Have you seen Kitty?" She called.

Usagi shook her head. "I haven't seen Luna or Artemis lately either. That's wei--" Her face paled, "Hey...isn't there an animal shelter near Rei's school?"

"Yeah. Why?"

"Rei blew up it up this morning!"

Rei, who had been helping Minako search for Kitty, snickered evilly. "Oops. Hope the dogcatcher didn't get them."

"It's not funny!" Screamed Minako, who began to mercilessly beat on Rei. "DIIIIE!" She shrieked.

"Uh, Usako?" Mamoru asked. "Maybe we should leave."

Usagi nodded her agreement.

- - -

Jadeite groaned. "Come on guys! We have to find an Endymion look-alike!" No one listened to him.

The Shitennou were now in the mall. Zoisite (who was now wearing a sky-blue sundress) had gone off to the woman's department. Nephrite had been pulled off the direction of a bar. Kunzite was drooling at the window of "Capes R Us."

Kunzite replied, "Weeeelllll...he has a cape, too. Maybe I'll find him here." He was obviously only looking for an excuse to browse the store. Jadeite sighed. He'd just have to do this alone.

"Go."

"YAAAY!!" Kunzite shouted, flinging himself inside.

Jadeite left to join Nephrite at the bar. Maybe he could...persuade him to help.

- - -

"Mamo-chaaan..." Usagi moaned. "Do you have to go to that dumb cape store again?"

"Of course, Usako!" Mamoru began to drool. "I've been saving up for months to buy that cape!"

Usagi sighed. "I'll be in the woman's department."

The odango'd one left her boyfriend in front of "Capes R Us." When she got to JC Penny (don't ask me why there's a JC Penny in Tokyo), she saw a very familiar figure.

Only the figure didn't normally wear a blue sundress.

"Eeep!" She shrieked. "It's Zoisite!"

At mention of his name, Zoisite turned around from where he was inspecting perfumes. "Who are you?" He asked, then realized, "Oh! Sailormoon! Usagi, right? HI!"

"Uh..." Usagi began, "Don't you want to fight me or something?"

He shrugged. "What's the point? I'm here to get Queen Beryl a gift. Which do you think would be better..." He asked, holding up two bottles of perfume.

"For you or the Queen?" She asked politely.

An agitated Zoisite snapped back, "Would I wear something called 'Essence of Burning Youma Flesh' or 'Comatose Visions?'" He crossed his arms angrily. "Unlike some people, I have taste."

Usagi sweatdropped. "I get your point. I vote for the Youma Flesh."

Changing the subject, Zoisite asked, "So what are you doing here...alone?"

She shook her head. "Mamo-chan had to stop off at that 'Capes R Us' store."

"Strange. Kunzite went there too."

"Must be guy thing."

Zoisite nodded in agreement, but stopped shot. "Wait...I'm a guy."

- - -

Kunzite had hearts in his eyes. "...Perfection..."

He reached out a shaking hand and gently stroked the cape.

"Hey! Hands off!"

He turned to see Mamoru grasping the other side of the cloth.

"NEVER!" Kunzite shouted, pulling one side closer to himself.

"I WENT WITHOUT MEALS SO THAT I COULD BUY THIS CAPE!!!"

"Really?"

"Well, no." Mamoru admitted. "BUT I STILL WANT IT!!"

"Grrr." Kunzite growled, tugging the cape closer.

Mamoru and Kunzite began a game of tug-of-war over the cape.

"GOOD ALWAYS TRIUMPHS OVER EVIL!!" Mamoru exclaimed, but at the same time ripping the cape in half. "Uh..oops."

"You break it you buy it!" A store clerk shouted at them.

"It's yours!" Kunzite shouted, stuffing the tattered cloth into Mamoru's hands and running away at top speed.

Mamoru transformed into Tuxedo Kamen, and chased him. Kunzite blasted him, and TK threw a rose. Of course, the puny flower was no match for mighty Kunzite-sama's super-cool-glowing-boomerang-thingies and--

"You know, your sucking up is pretty obvious." Rubeus informed Julie-chan, appearing out of nowhere.

Julie re-wrote the above passage. You never read it. Really. ^^

Of course, the puny flower was no match for Kunzite's boomerang-thingy and Mamoru was blasted across the room.

"Better." Rubeus nodded. "You know, you need to write a fanfic about...me...sometime. You will be...rewarded."

Julie began to drool. "Uh..oh..okay!" She stammered. She walked away, with Rubeus's arm around her waist.

Back to the fanfic, because you don't care about my non-existant love life. ^_^

Mamoru was blasted across the room. A disgruntled Kunzite left to collect Zoisite, forgetting all about their "mission."

Jadeite and Nephrite had long since left and were at Nephrite's house, er..."occupied."

- - -

"Zoi-chan!" Kunzite shouted, grabbing his lover by the wrist. "We're going home!" He declared.

Zoisite waved to Usagi. "Ja, Usagi-chan!" The two left, the bottle of Youma's Flesh perfume still in hand.

Queen Bit--er, Beryl, loved it and slept with none of the Shitennou. (And there was much rejoicing.)

Usagi left as well, to look for Mamoru. Needless to say, she found him in a crumpled heap on the floor with a bunch of people surrounding him.

He was taken to the hospital and recovered fully just in time for Christmas. There was must rejoicing, or, in the case of the TOC ML, much throwing of fruit at Julie-chan.

Fortunately, she was saved by Rubeus. And then Haruka made Julie-chan iron her fuku. But that's another story altogether... ^_^

And everyone lived happily ever after, with few mishaps.

For your enjoyment, we present one of those mishaps: ^^

* * *

Scene: in the hospital.

Usagi: Oh Mamo-chan! I hope you get better soon.

*Fiore enters* (duh duh duh dum... ^^)

F: Mamoru-kun!! I'm BAAACK!

*F walks up to the hospital bed and firmly plants a kiss on M's lips. To all's surprise, M doesn't struggle and seems to enjoy it.*

U: HEY! WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?! Look, I don't know who you are or what you're doing here, but GET YOUR HANDS OFF OF MY MAMO-CHAN!!

*U transforms into Sailormoon and attacks F*

SM: DIIIIIIIIIIEEEEE!!!

THE END