Oh No, Not Another General/Senshi Fic!

It was night at the Moon Palace, where a ball was being held. It was a perfect moon-night; (did you know that, IRL, a night on the moon is two earth weeks long? Same goes for day. Uhm...gomen. Sorry about that...) the moon-crickets were chirping, a full earth shone, and it was generally all-around romantic.

That's not the point.

Well, maybe it helps the fic that it was a romantic evening, but we are no longer focusing on that. So if I could just quit typing about it...

All of the sudden, Zoisite flung a vase at Kunzite. It missed and hit Julie-chan instead. She was knocked unconscious, but not really--otherwise she couldn't write this.

...Nevermind.

Anyway, Kunzite growled, "Zoisite, don't go PMS-sy on me now!"

Zoisite began to cry. "Kunzite, I've lied to you! I'm really a man!"

Kunzite fainted.

Everyone in the room stared for a few moments, then shrugged. The ball continued.

Nephrite patted Kunzy on the shoulder. "Tough break, man."

Jadeite rolled his eyes.

Zoisite grinned wickedly. "Serves you right for trying to get me to wear that lingerie last n--did I say that aloud?"

Jadeite nodded.

Zoi-kun turned red.

Just then, he was approached by a strange girl with blue hair. "Uh...Konnichi wa, Zoisite-san. I'm Princess Ami. Would you like to dance?"

Grinning (and thinking that this would allow him to get even with his boyfriend), Zoisite accepted.

* * *

Jadeite looked at Princess Rei. "Hino-sama, may I have this dance?" He asked.

Rei looked up, and smiled. "Of course." She whispered, taking the man's hand.

And Jadeite groaned as the Princess of Mars walked off onto the dance floor with someone else.

Of course, he was across the room, practicing, to work up his courage to ask the girl of his dreams to dance. Maybe he should have actually said something to her.

He pondered this, and now we have an almost-always-pointless flashback sequence:

It's earlier that night, and Rei comes running through the room, chasing Princess Serenity and yelling something about "Take that BACK!!! ENDYMION IS MINE!!!"

People stare even more than at Kunzite and Zoisite's soap-opera-like display before.

Everyone screams and begins to evacuate the building when Rei transforms into Sailormars and shooting "Fire SOUL!"s at the Moon Princess. Well, everyone but Jadeite, who is staring at Rei and drooling.

Jadeite is promptly fried.

Sailormars exclaims, "It's his own fault!"

After this flashback, Jadeite shook his head at his earlier thoughts and whispered, "What a girl!"

Then he got back to practicing. "Rei-chan, would you like to dance...?"

* * *

Nephrite moaned. "This party sucks!" He announced. "Where's the booze?!" He wasn't happy.

A voice agreed, "Yeah, I know. They won't let us drink because it's a kids' show." It was Makoto. She handed him a glass of clear liquid, and explained, "Here, have some of this 'lemonade.' " She winked.

Nephrite grinned, as he took a sip of the wine. This was his kind of girl.

* * *

Minako bounded through the room, dancing with every person she ran into (male or female) simply for the sake of dancing.

Several people hid, not wishing to be subjected to the horror of Sailorvenus on a sugar high.

Kunzite was groggily coming to when he was swept up by Princess Venus. At first he was afraid that it was Zoisite, his (male) girlfriend. But he soon discovered that it was a real woman. So he contented himself with dancing with her.

Minako calmed down somewhat when she saw Kunzite, and went all starry-eyed. She was in love...

"Hey! Serenity!" Ami shouted, dragging Zoisite behind her. She grinned and hugged him. "This's Zoisite, he's a crossdresser but don't let that fool you 'cuz he's reallyreallyreally sweet and..." Here she paused to take a breath, "...WE'RE GETTING MARRIED!!"

She beamed.

Serenity grinned darkly at the bewildered Zoisite.

He stuttered, "B-but I...you...we were..."

Ami snapped, "Quiet, you." She slapped him. "If I say we're getting married, then we're going to get married!"

Zoisite shuddered, and whispered meekly, "Yessum."

Ami beamed once more.

Kunzite stared. "Zoisite, what's this?" He asked, Minako clinging to his waist as he approached them.

Zoisite began to cry. "I don't WAAAANT to get married!!" He sobbed, acting remarkably like Sailormoon.

Ami kicked him in the shin. "WE ARE GETTING MARRIED WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT!!"

"Yessum." He whispered, cowering in fear, and hoping that Ami didn't throw anything at him.

Kunzite sweatdropped.

Minako gave her a high-five. "You go girl!"

Then, the beaming Ami led her self-proclaimed fianc?to the dance floor, to show him off to Princess Rei.

* * *

Jadeite slapped himself in the head. Not phased, he grabbed a naturally-occurring board off of the floor and smacked himself with it.

"OW!" He exclaimed, clutching his head in agony. Then he straightened up. That should do it. He began to walk toward Princess Rei. He made it five feet before he collapsed.

Rei's eyes widened. "Ami, I think there's something wrong with this guy!" She exclaimed.

Ami let go of Zoisite long enough to inspect the wounded Jadeite. Zoisite ran and hid behind Kunzite, clutching to his shoulders. Evidently, Minako didn't care about sharing her new-found love, and waved at him, smiling, and said, "Hiiiiii, Zoi-chan!" while still clinging to Kunzite herself.

Kunzite groaned.

Rei rolled her eyes in exasperation. "Jadeite, did you just hit yourself over the head with that board?"

Jadeite opened his eyes, and sat up. "She knows my name!!" he shouted, dancing around with hearts in his eyes.

Ami whispered, "I think he has a concussion, Rei."

Rei nodded. "Let's get him to the infirmary."

* * *

"Is there a doctor here?" Asked Selenity. "We have had a serious head injury!"

Ami grabbed Zoisite by the wrist. "Here, your highness!"

Zoisite gasped, and attempted to wrench himself free from Ami's death grip. "No! I failed first aid! I don't know a thing about healing!!"

Ami slapped him. "You're a doctor. You just graduated from med school. DO YOU UNDERSTAND?!"

Zoisite sighed, tired of fighting off his "fianc?," and shrugged. "Sure. Why not."

Ami grinned, and hugged him. "Isn't Zoi-kun great?"

Selenity sweatdropped. "Uhm...sure. Follow me."

She led them to the infirmary, where Jadeite was half-falling off of a small cot. The area was dimly lit, and some rats scurried past. Zoisite's nose wrinkled in complete disdain.

Ami said, "Okay, Mr. Doctor, go to work!"

Zoisite grinned. "Does he need a plastic surgeon? Nose job?"

Ami slapped Zoisite so hard upside the head that he nearly fainted. "NO!!!"

Not learning his lesson, he asked meekly, "A lobotomy?"

Ami sweatdropped. "A *WHAT*?!"

"You know, a lobotomy. Where you cut open their head and remove--"

"I KNOW WHAT IT *IS*, YOU MORON!!!"

"Then why'd you ask?"

Selenity whispered, "Are you sure he's a doctor?"

"YES!!"

* * *

Nephrite was dancing. In fact, he was on top of a table, strip dancing for Makoto. Of course, he was drunk.

Mako laughed, clapping. *This* was what she called a party!

Nephrite was about to remove his pants, when she stopped him. "Okay, Neffy-kun, people are staring. Let's put your clothes back on now."

"Neffy-kun" complied, and only ripped his jacket sleeve once.

"So, Neph, you wanta get married right now?" Mako-chan asked casually, wrapping her arm around him.

Nephrite nodded. "Shuureee..." he slurred, before passing out in Makoto's arms.

She grinned wickedly.

* * *

Zoisite began to cry. "WHAT DID I EVER DO TO DESERVE THIS?!"

He had been kicked out of the ball. No one was surprised, of course, but he had been kicked out of the ball.

Kunzite came outside, and raised an eyebrow.

Zoi-chan was sitting in a fish pond in the garden. He wasn't wearing his boots, because water would ruin his prized leather boots. He wasn't wearing his gloves either, for some reason. And he was sobbing.

"Zoi--" Kunzite began.

Zoisite picked up a goldfish and ate it.

Kunzite became super-deformed and sweatdropped.

"What?" Evidently, Zoisite didn't see anything wrong with eating live goldfish.

"O-kay..." Kunzite slowly backed away, and then, when there was a distance of at least ten feet between them, ran away. Very, very fast.

Ami bounced up, and threw her arms around Zoisite. "ZOI-KUN!" She exclaimed happily, pushing both of them underwater.

Zoisite frantically tried to loosen Ami's grip. When she finally let go of him, and let him out of the water so that he could breathe, his face had turned blue and he had swallowed a total of four assorted varieties of fish.

Zoisite began to cry some more. He wanted his boyfriend.

Then he got an idea. "Uhm...Ami-chan?...I'm gonna go put some dry clothes on, but I'll be *right* back, okay?"

Ami exclaimed, "OK!!"

Of course, Zoisite had absolutely NO intention of returning.

* * *

Kunzite ran back towards Zoisite. Minako was after him.

"Zoisite! I'm sorry!!" He shouted. "I LOVE YOU!! I don't care if you eat goldfish and you're really a guy!! ANYTHING'S BETTER THAN MINAKO!!!"

When he got to the fish pond, he saw Ami sitting there patiently, even though it seemed like she was freezing.

Kunzite jumped over her, and continued running.

Minako tripped over Ami.

Kunzite didn't look back, as he ran to the one place where Zoisite could've gone.

* * *

Jadeite awoke to the sounds of drunken singing. He opened his eyes slowly, staring straight into the face of a rat.

He screamed like a girl and slapped it across the room.

The rat, offended, stuck out its tongue at him and left to join its friends.

Jadeite sat up, to see Nephrite stripping for Rei and Makoto, who were giving each other high fives.

Mako told her, "And he even agreed to MARRY me!"

Rei laughed. "What an idiot--oh, Jadeite's awake!"

Jadeite attempted to stand, but fell flat on his face.

Then he stood up, and asked, "Rei, will you ma--" A wave of dizziness passed over him and he threw up.

"Uhm..that is, will you marry me?" He asked, attempting to regain his composure.

She just stared at him. "If you brush your teeth." She stated blankly.

Jadeite went all starry-eyed and exclaimed, "YAY!!" Then he immediately got to work on brushing his teeth.

Makoto and Nephrite departed, to leave the "happy couple" alone.

* * *

Zoisite was sitting under a cherry blossom tree. He was wet, cold, tired, he'd forgotten to grab his boots, and he'd discovered that goldfish had a nasty aftertaste. To top it all off, he'd had a fight with his boyfriend, and now he was supposed to marry some freaky blue-haired girl who only liked to read and boss him around. And his boyfriend was being stalked by blonde, hyperactive ditz who liked to talk to cotton candy (he had heard her tell Kunzite so when he had asked her what she did for fun).

This was NOT his day.

"Zoi...site..." A familiar voice called out. Kunzite was breathing heavily, and he collapsed next to Zoisite.

Kunzite laid his head in Zoi's lap and fell asleep, too worn out from running from Minako to do anything more.

Zoisite's eyes opened wide in surprise, but he smiled.

"Oyasumi nasai, Kunzite." He whispered, brushing a silver strand of hair out of his lover's eyes. He brought one of Kunzite's hands to his mouth and kissed it gently.

Just then, an evil cackle was heard, and a woman (who we all know to be Queen Beryl, right?) appeared. "BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA--" she burst out coughing, "--HAHAHAHAHA!!!" She finished.

Zoi-chan glared at her crossly. "What's *your* problem? Can't you see Kunzite's trying to sleep?"

She blinked in surprise. "Oh. Sorry. Could you tell me where to find Endymion?"

Zoisite gave her careful instructions to the Moon Palace, also being sure to mention that the Prince already had a finance.

Beryl, apparently, didn't care.

Zoi shrugged, and gently roused Kunzite. The two left for Kunzite's house, where Zoey had *finally* agreed to wear the lingerie. But why this would matter to you, I don't know.

Oh well.

* * *

Epilogue:

Kunzite and Zoisite ended up getting *really* drunk and married Minako and Ami, respectively. Then, they got divorces and were on a vacation to Earth when Beryl brainwashed them and had them kill their ex-wives (which Zoisite would've been happy to do anyway).

Jadeite and Rei got married and had no kids, however they *did* have a pet lizard named "Lady" that got killed when she messed up Zoisite's hair. Rei was heartbroken, and threw Jadeite out for no particular reason. It was about this time when he was brainwashed and joined the DK to get revenge on her.

Nephrite ended up getting married to Makoto *that* night, but they got a divorce when she found out that he already had a little girlfriend on Earth named Naru. He was, of course, brainwashed and made a King of the Dark Kingdom.

And none of them lived happily ever after, except maybe Zoisite and Kunzite.

THE END