Journal Entries
for April, 2000
by kat
(small disclaimer)
kat's journal entries for April
are very short
mostly because her Master was here with her
from April 3rd to April 21st.
*smiles*
most of what she'd have put in her journals
she simply spoke to Him about.
Anyway, enjoy what there is.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
4-7-2000
Dear Journal,
Well, it semms i have so very much
to say and talk about
yet i don't really know
where to start or what to say.
I'ts Friday now, and Master has
been here since Monday.
It's been an absolutely perfect few days.
i have so many different thoughts and ideas
roaming around in my head,
it's hard to grab ahold of any.
In some way, things are going
exactly how i knew that they would.
And in other ways
i can't believe how well things are going.
i guess what i mean is....
Master isn't surprising me at all.
i knew that He would naturally
fall into His Dominance once He saw
that it was okay and that
not only was i comfortable with it,
but that it was and is
exactly what i crave and need.
i guess what surprises me more
than anything else is me.
and my feelings and thoughts,
actions and reactions.
i talked with Master a little bit
about this last night,
but it's still on my mind.
i don't know that i can really explain
what the heck it is
that i am talking about.
i just never expected to feel
AS submissive to Him as i do.
Not yet anyway.
Master has earned my respect
so quickly, so thoroughly
far more than i thought possible
at this point anyway.
Another thing i am noticing is
Master has very high expectations of me.
That's a wonderful thing, it feels good.
He expect me to do my very best
in all aspects of my life.
He wants me to be everything
that he knows i can be,
even if i don't see it yet.
He cares about me...
the whole me.
He loves me.
It's a little overwhelming sometimes.
i am not really sure what to do
with all these feelings.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
4-11-2000
Dear Journal,
Well, i thought i'd jot down
a quick journal entry
while i had a few spare minutes.
i dno't really have a whole lot to say
other than things with Master
are going wonderfully.
i can't believe HOW well sometimes.
He is beyond my dreams.
i am so very lucky
that We have found Each Other.
Him leaving next week
is on my mind a lot right now.
i'm trying not to let it be,
because We still have ten days
but i can't help it sometimes.
Our relationship has grown
so much in a mere eight days
it's almost unbelievable.
He is everything i want and need.
He makes me everything
i always wanted to be.
It's simply amazing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
4-13-2000
Dear Journal,
Well, once again i am writing
but really unsure of what i want to say
Things are pretty much the same
all the way around.
The kids, are acting like demons,
things are going really well with Master,
and i'm desparately broke.
The finance things
is really really bothering me
and i don't know what to do about it.
i feel like i'm
starting to get desperate
and things are going to blow up
real soon.
i keep thinking and thinking
and can't see any solutions.
The kids are making me crazy.
i simply don't know what to do with them
Both of them.
But, at least things are going well with Master
He amazes me every day.
He loves me with the intensity
that i need Him to.
He shows me over and over.
He is a wonderful person
a terrific Friend
and the perfect Master for me.
His Dominance is not like anything
i'd imagined before.
It's simply there.
All through the day...in everything.
i know sometimes it's hard for Him
to "act" on what He naturally feels,
but i think that partly,
that will fade with time,
though i am not sure if it will ever
go completely away.
And i think that is good.
That is how He is.
That's how i know how very much
He cares and loves me
and is careful with me.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
4-28-00
Dear Master,
Well, it seems i have a lot on my mind today,
a lot of nothing and everything all jumbled up into one, i think.
Just a few minutes ago, i watched in the room as two people,
One a very good Friend of mine,
who love Each Other a great deal, release Each Other to move on.
It made a lot of people talk and think and wonder
about why the split and how two People who love Each Other
could let Each Other go.
The answer was simply that sometimes love isn’t enough.
Now logically, i see the truth in that,
and i know, of course, first hand how true that can be.
But when i think about it,
when i really stop and think about it...
that is a very scary thought.
Love is not always enough.
Okay, so what is?
How does one know?
It is scary for me to think that love isn’t enough,
even though i know in my heart that sometimes it isn’t.
i don’t know if this is making sense or not, but...
i guess i am just scared.
i don’t like to think about it very much.
Especially in light of how insecure i am
about whether or not i am worth it.
*sighs* Thats another thing....
i am really just now starting to realize how very deep
some of my past relationships have hurt me...
i am finding myself constantly worried now
that Master is going to wake up one day
and decide that i am not worth it.
Because loving me, and being with me,
is not easy, much less being my Master...
what if it is too much?
What if it is more work and more pain
than He wants to deal with?
i don’t know that i can fix or change
a lot of those things.
i don’t know...
i think i am just really scared right now,
and have all these thoughts running around in my head.
Maybe i should write again later.
love,
kat
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
later that same day
Well, it has been a very strange day for me...
i have been in a very pensive mood all day
and i can’t quite figure out why.
There must be something floating around
in the mixed up mind of mine,
but i guess i just can’t quite nail down what exactly it is.
i know that i have been doing a lot of thinking
about being deep into my submission.
Master and i talked about it quite a bit today,
and i think it has just been on my mind...
We talked about how very much i like it
when i feel deep into my submission,
and how very much He likes me being there...
yet, sometimes its hard to figure out what triggers it.
And i so very much find myself
craving to be there more and more...
yet not really sure how to get there.
It's sorta frustrating really.
i have been trying to think of things
that i can ask for from Him,
that might help me to be in that place,
and i truly have no idea...
i know that there are some things,
and a lot of things He already does do and has asked of me...
my rules, and positions and that type of things.
All that stuff helps me,
and i have asked for some more,
regarding public things, and creative things,
and giving me things to do FOR Him
*smiles*
so maybe that will help.
i don’t know...
i have this very strong desire to feel really submissive
and i don’t seem to know how to go about
doing it or getting there...
not that i don’t feel submissive now...
just...i want to feel MORE that way.
Anyway, i guess i’ll hush now
as i am rambling again.
Love,
kat
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
4-29-00
Dear Master,
Well, i am sitting here totally missing You right now.
i don’t feel very well today
and have been sleeping most of the afternoon.
i miss You so badly, Master,
and can’t wait until You come home to me.
i have been doing a lot more thinking about how to get
into that space that i so crave to be in with You,
and the answers still are not clear to me.
All i know is that i want to worship You,
and serve You, and please You,
in every way i possibly can.
Sometimes i feel like i don’t have
enough ways to do those things.
Maybe that is what has been on my mind lately.
Maybe i am struggling to find more ways
that i can do those things.
i know that i am always searching for ways
that i can show You my love for You,
my desire, my NEED to please You
and serve You and to worship You.
And sometimes i feel like
i am sitting here with no way to direct
all that need and energy.
It is like sometimes i feel like i am sitting here
hoping for a command or an order so that
i can make both of Us happy
by striving to do something for You.
i guess it sorta comes down to like,
for example,
how i asked You to please think of things
that i could do for You
when We are not together,
as well as ways to direct my creative side.
i hope that in reading all this
You don’t think that i am asking
for every minute of every day
to be full of things that have to be done
or assignments that need to be completed.
But to have more things to do for You,
that would be nice.
It would help me feel more like
even when We are not together,
i am still working for You,
and doing things for You.
It would help me feel better,
as well as help to keep me in my place.
And again, even when We ARE together,
in the room, or whatever,
sometimes i feel very "not in place"
and i don’t always know how to go about
feeling that way.
Like yesterday, when i was playing in the room...
i was thrilled when You finally called me back to You,
and even would have been okay
if You had put on my leash.
i like those types of things.
Yes, i liked that You allowed me to play some,
and I want that,
when it is okay with You....
but lots of freedom, short leash.
*smiles*
i want others to see Your control
over me sometimes, too,
and i want them to be able to see
my submission to You as well.
i don’t know if any of this makes sense,
but i think that is just what is on and in my mind.
i love You...now and forever.
very simply,
Yours
Email:
da_sweet_kat@yahoo.com
