Journal Entries
for March, 2000
by kat
March 17, 2000
Master,
i am writing this letter before i let You know i am back
because i wanted to be able to clearly express my thoughts and feelings.
And sometimes when i am trying to do that,
it comes out all jumbled up and ends up
confusing both of Us.
First of all, i am truly sorry that i swore.
It's hard for me to really comprehend it,
because i truly can't remember doing it,
and i can't even venture to guess why i did do it...
it seems a little weird to me that i did,
since i can't say why...but first of all,
i believe that i did it, since You say i did.
And others heard it too.
All i am trying to say is that
it is hard for me to even be able to say why i did it or anything,
cuz if no one had said anything,
i'd still not have known i did it.
Anyway, regardless of why or how or whatever...
i am sorry for that.
Now, i am also sorry for the way i reacted.
i am going to try to quickly explain
WHY i reacted the way i reacted,
not to excuse it, but simply to clarify it.
Firstly, the shock of the fact that i did it,
my mind was whirling trying to remember it
and/or figure it out.
i actually had a panic attack. Literally.
So that is part of the reason why i reacted so poorly.
i was literally having a panic attack,
i was sweating, i could hear my heart thunder in my ear,
nothing was making sense.
Then there was the fact that i was totally embarassed.
Again, not an excuse,
but i think i may have actually blushed, which i never do...
i felt totally humiliated,
and darn near shut down everything on the computer.
So i was totally embarassed about the fact
that everyone knew and was talking about it.
I literally had tears streaming down my face.
So that contributed as well.
Then thirdly was the fact that i was...
well, this is totally my selfishness,
but that this is my day.
This really truly is "MY" day.
And i had been in such a good mood
and then i felt like, "well, so much for my day"
Not Your fault, my own fault,
but the feeling was there nonetheless.
Then You top that off with being totally disappointed in myself...
and worse than that, discouraged.
Because if i truly wasn't even aware that i did it,
which i wasn't, then how would i be able
to prevent it from happening again?
Then there is all the normal stuff...
the hating this punishment...
the actually wanting to take almost anything anything at all, over that...
the hatred of myself for having disappointed You...
the well, all the normal stuff
*sighs*
like i said, none of this is to excuse it,
simply to let You know that this wasn't "just" the normal stuff....
it was all the normal stuff
PLUS all the stuff that i just told You.
Anyway, i just wanted to clarify those things.
i am truly sorry, both for the infraction,
and for the absolute wrong way of reacting to it.
You were not out of line at all to call me on it
*sighs*
and iam truly sorry.
You don't deserve the treatment i just gave You,
nor the disrespect, and i am truly sorry.
i will strive to accept
the rest of the punishment gracefully,
and, if You deem fit, any that You apply for my reactions as well.
Please know that none of it,
not the infraction and not the reaction,
was intended to hurt You, or to disrespect You,
although i am sure it accomplished both.
Please know that the last thing in the world that i want to do
is hurt You, disappoint You, show You disrespect....
or fail You in any way.
And no punishment You could ever give me
will be worse than that feeling.
Please know that i love You with all my heart...
and i am very truly sorry.
i love You....
with all my heart.
very simply,
Your kat
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
3-18-2000
Master,
Am going to bed right now,
i just wanted to leave You a lil note to come home to.
Just wanted to remind You that
Your slave loves and misses You with all her heart.
Well, that and i wanted to say a few other things really quickly...
number one, i wanted to take a moment to thank You...
for so many things, really,
but what's on my mind now is that i see so much desire and
ummm...can't think of the word....
i have seen You getting more and more comfortable every day....
i can see You opening up more to me...
and i can see You allowing Yourself to grow a little every day
in Your Dominance, and in Your role
(one of them) in my life.
i know sometimes it is frustrating to You
that You are not exactly where
You wish to be in Your Dominance...
but i wanted to take a moment to let You know
that i see the growth...
i see the efforts You make
to be what You want to be...and to fulfill both of Our needs...
it means more to me than i can ever express
to know that not only do You want
me to be the best slave that i can be for You,
but that You want to be
the best Master You can be for me.
*smiles*
hope that makes sense....
i just want to truly say thank You...
for all that You do for me...
all that You are for me...
You truly are everything this slave
could ever wish for and more....
and this is still only the beginning....
The other thing i wanted to say was
that i meant what i said earlier
about never feeling this way before.
i know that You didn't really respond to that,
and i thought maybe if i clarified a lil bit,
You'd understand more what i meant...
i will not claim to never have loved or been loved before...
or to have never been in love...
or to never have had dreams and hopes and fantasies...
or to never have been happy before...
but, what is different with You...
is that i have never been so "at peace" with Someone.
never felt truly, with everything in me,
like everything i do or think or feel or am
revolves around and involves One person.
i feel that way for You...with You...
i feel that there is no place i'd rather be than with You...
there is no One i'd rather be with than You...
everything i do or think or feel or am...
is because of You, or involving You, or with thoughts ofYou, or for You....
You are my life.
And i am totally at peace with that.
i have never before felt that
well, to be honest...
that someone else's needs were truly truly more important
than any wants or desires, or mostly even needs of my own are.
And i feel that way with You.
Nothing is more important to me
than being with You,
than making You happy and proud...
than seeing Your smile...hearing Your laugh...
holding You when You are down....
plainly put, being exactly what You need
whenever You need it, regardless of anythingelse.
Well, i don't know if that's any more clear...
i have never felt so comfortable
being who i am than i do when i'm with You...
i'm off to join You in Our dreams...
i love You, Master...
more today than yesterday...
and no where nearas much as i will tomorrow....
i miss You...i want You...i need You....
but most especially....i love You....
i love You, Master...
g'night
Yours
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
3-22-2000
Master,
i just am writing cuz i want to talk to You,
but i don't know what to say...
i know that all of a sudden
You got upset or angry with me...
or at the very least, distant...
i don't know exactly why...but i'm scared...
truly deep in my bones scared...
i didn't mean to upset You
or make You angry or hurt You in any way...
and i feel somehow i have....
i'm sitting here right now shaking
because i am so afraid i've hurt You somehow...
or caused You to be upset with me.
i'm sorry that i was at a bad moment when You called,
and that i was crying...
i try hard to be strong for You, truly i do...
i try so very hard...
i want so very much to be everything You need...
and to be strong for You...
for both of Us...
when i do have weak moments like that,
which hasn't been all that often lately,
i try to have them away from You.
i love You, Master...
so much that it hurts...
so much more than i can ever ever explain...
so much that just the mere thought that i've hurt You,
or displeased You, or disappointed You...
is tearing me up right now....
it scares me, Master...
i need You...i love You...
whatever it is, i am sorry...
please just love me, Master...
all of me...
i so very badly need You to...
that's all i want and need in life...
truly...
i'm sorry...
i know i am rambling here...
i'm sorry....i love You...
i'm rambling now,
so i guess i'll shush...
please, Master...
please just know that i love You more than life itself...
more than anything and everything
all i want and need is You and Our love...
i mean that from the bottom of my heart...
please never forget that i love You...
yesterday, today, tomorrow...
till the end of time and then some...
i love You...
kat
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Email:
da_sweet_kat@yahoo.com
