Journal Entries
for May, 2000
by kat
5-02-00
Dear Master,
i just wanted to drop You a quick line
before i scoot out to work to let You know
that i love You and miss You
and am thinking of You, as i always am.
i wanted You to have something to wake up to.
i need to quickly say thank You, Master.
i know You are going to say, "for what?"
and there are really too many things
to list right here.
Suffice it to say that i am very grateful
that You love me and that You are willing
to work with me through any rough times
that may come Our way.
i am so very thankful that You care enough
about me to want to see me become the slave
that You know i can be, not only for You,
but for me.
i have seen the changes in You
as they occur every day,
and i want You to know,
even if this may not be the "proper" thing
for a slave to say to a Dom,
that i am very proud of You,
but even more than that,
i want to thank You for all that You are for me,
all that You endeavor to be for me,
and all that You do for me.
i know that it is not always easy
to be my Dom,
and i love You so very very much
for choosing not only to BE my Dom,
but also for continuing to strive
to be a better Dom for Us both,
and for continuing to love and guide me,
no matter what else.
i don't know if i will ever be able
to accurately express how very much
all that means to me...
but please know that it doesn't go
unnoticed by Your slave,
and that each day, every minute,
and with every beat of Your slaves heart,
she falls deeper and deeper in love with You.
And what You said the other day
about although this may be painful,
You see it as a sign
that i am growing in my submission,
and as frightening and scary as it is,
You are going to be there for me....
well, i think You hit the nail dead on
and i just want to say that
if i have to go through this scary, painful change,
there is no one in the world
that i would rather go through it with
than You.
i love You Master,
with all of my heart....
forever and always,
Your slave
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
05-05-00
Dear Master,
Okay, well, I need to be writing in my journal,
so that’s what I am doing,
even though I can’t really think of anything to say right now.
I know that I have lots of different things and ideas
running around in my head,
but I can’t really seem to put my finger on what they are
or form any really coherent thoughts.
I know that I have been very very tense lately,
and that doesn’t seem to be letting up.
I just feel it almost all the time now.
And i’m really tired, too.
Like, all the time.
But, I don’t really know why.
I just know that things are driving me crazy
and some things are getting to be a little overwhelming for me.
I don’t always know what to do or say
or how to go about dealing with all the things
that are so constantly running around in my brain.
I mean, I know I need to talk about them,
or deal with them, but it’s hard,
when I can’t even figure out what they are myself.
I can’t really hope to get anyone else’s understanding
if I myself don’t understand if....
if that makes any sense and all.
I think there have been a lot of things and people,
circumstancial or otherwise,
that have just been weighting me down all together.
*sighs*
I don’t know, just a lot in my mind with no real words for it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
05-06-00
Dear Master,
I actually have started to write the first chapter of my book.
I don’t know if I will ever get it to the point where it could be published,
I don’t know if i’m that good,
but it’s a start at least.
And it’s something that I really believe that I can do.
I think that a lot of people come
to talk to me for a reason,
and I think part of that reason is that
I tend to be very good at explaining things,
and I really enjoy doing it.
I think that’s the part of me
that i’ve always said is the natural teacher.
I think part of it is that I have found
such total joy and peace in my submission,
in knowing who and what I am,
and what I want and need in life....
that it hurts me to see others not happy.
I want everyone to understand
and to be able to understand themselves,
more than anything else.
And I think there are so many people out there
who know “of” the lifestyle,
but don’t really understand it.
I think there are people out there
who know they are “submissive” or “Dominant”
but that have so many fears and worries and insecurites
and, well, just plain lack of information that they understand,
that they never fully embrace the lifestyle,
or their role in it.
They spend so much time fighting off feelings of guilt
over their fantasies or worrying
about what others might think,
or even legitimately worrying about hurting others or whatever....
that they fail to reach out and grab the utter peace and contentness
that is right in their reach.
I think that my idea, my goal,
in writing this book,
is really to reach out to people and say,
hey....you are NOT alone.
Not only do others feel the way that you do,
but it’s okay.
And to take it a step further and really explain,
in simple, plain words that everyone can understand,
the whys and hows of the lifestyle.
I know that when I was new to the lifestyle,
some of my first questions were,
“okay, I realize that I AM this way....but WHY?”
Anyway, i’m rambling...
and i’m really tired,
so I think I will end here.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
05-08-00
Dear Master,
Well, today I am in a really really foul mood.
Just seems as if nothing has gone right for me today.
Well, except work, ironically.
Work went well.
I actually don’t mind getting up and going
to work like I usually do.
Unfortunately, I think part of the reason is
that I am only working part time.
Eventually, I will have to work full time,
and then I will probably go back to dreading it again.
Anyway, I have pms in a major bad way today.
Started off the day having it out with Master,
and slamming the phone down on Him.
Yelled at wld, screamed at Kevin, screamed at my kids,
sighs...not a good day over all.
I am needing allergy meds desparately and can’t afford to buy them...
not to mention pads and tampons and shampoo that i’m out of
...and and and....sighs.
Anyway, I don’t really have much of anything to say today,
especially not anything good.
so I guess i’m just going to end here for tonight.
Just wanted to write to keep up with the given assignment.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
05-10-00
Dear Master,
Well, I think today I have a lot on my mind.
I am tired, for one, it being on 6:30 in the morning.
But, like I said, I have a lot on my mind
and I wanted to write at a time where i’d be least likely to get distracted.
Master and I had a long talk yesterday,
in fact, yesterday was quite a long day overall.
Sighs, to be totally honest here,
I am a little bit afraid to be brutally open and honest here
and really talk about the things that are bothering me.
I mean, I really want to talk about the things
that we talked about yesterday,
but even over that, there are things I want to talk about,
and I am a little afraid to.
Mostly, right now, I am afraid that if I say,
“i’m a little afraid to talk about some things”
that Master will get upset, and that isn’t what I want at all.
sighs.
I guess I should just start with talking about the other things on the list
that Master and I didn’t get a chance to discuss last night.
Then Master can read this and if there are still things
left to be said or clarrified, then We can do that.
Okay, we had left off with the topic on “friends.”
It bothers Him that I have no friends in the area.
Well, again, this is one that I can't do a whole lot about myself right now.
It is hard for me to go anywhere that
I might meet and develop friends and friendships.
Again, that has to do with money.
I can’t pay a sitter right now to go out.
Again, that will change slightly when there are two incomes coming in.
Number one, Master and I can then pay a sitter
and possibly be able to go to some munches,
and maybe even some other “vanilla” things
where We might be able to make some new friends
to start relationships with.
But as of right now,
my only true friend from here, was Christine.
And she is very busy with her job,
her full time grad school work, and her daughter.
Not to mention I don’t have her number,
and she has yet to call me.
So this is one of those things that I
am really not sure how much I can do about.
*sighs*
Then there is the issue of my online and/or real life friends
and how much time I devote to them and
how far away from myself I draw the line.
What i’d like to see happen from this,
is i’d like to start drawing the lines a little bit closer.
But, I need some help and understanding while doing it.
Yes, I want to do it, because
A. I know its frustrating and hurtful to Master,
and B. because it isn’t good for me to be getting all upset on a daily basis.
So, on this issue at least, I can,
and We can, begin to work on drawing the lines a little closer to home.
I’m not really sure how to go about doing this,
other than doing the things like,
not letting people upset me when they are being dramatic.
And starting to take a little more time to focus
on me and my family and Master.
What i’d like to request of Master is that He help me with this.
i’m not exactly sure what or how either of Us go about doing it,
other than things like yesterday,
where I don’t allow myself to get all worked up over things,
but I need Master’s patience,
as drawing the lines in a little closer, I think,
is going to take some time.
Hmmm...i’m not really sure where I am going with this,
other than to say that i’d like to work on this with Master
and am willing to do so,
in return, i’m asking for some help in doing so.
I guess i’ll end on that topic for now,
and Master and I can talk abouti t further if He wishes.
The next topic was how badly my kids stress me out.
*sighs*
This is something that there are several things that I can do
to try to alleviate some of it, but, quite honestly,
the number one alleviation will be when I am no longer a single parent.
*sighs*
Again, I feel a little guilty saying this,
as I am a little worried that Master is going to start to feel like He is being used,
either monetarily, like We spoke about yesterday,
or in any other sense, like this,
where it seems that the only person gaining from Our relationship is me.
But I digress, (that is something that is one of those things
that I am a little worried to talk about.)
The fact is that when I am no longer a single parent,
some of the stresses that are placed on me
will automatically become less.
For several reasons, number one being, when I do start to feel overly stressed,
and Master and I touched on this briefly last night,
We can “tag team” each other, and that will help a lot.
Another reason is that there will be fewer stresses “overall” in my life.
And I know me, the more stressed I am,
the more stress I feel when it comes to the kids.
So, in that aspect, it will go down a little too.
Another way it will be semi-alleviated, is that,
well, to be quite honest, I think that more time
will be spent with the kids.
Obviously there will be less time on the computer,
which will definately be a very good thing for me,
but there will also be more things like “family dinners”
and hanging out and spending time together as a family.
And I think this will help both me and the kids tremendously.
*sighs*
But all of that comes along with not being a single mom any more.
I have to say here,
that it is incredibly stressful to be a single parent,
and unfortunately, that is the biggest stressor in my life,
and one that until Master gets here,
I can’t really do a whole lot about,
unless He wants me to go “rent a partner” until He gets here.
*grinz*
Kidding, kidding!
The only thing that I can think of off the top of my head
that I can DO from here, now,
is making sure that I set aside a little bit of time every day
to just spend with the kids, doing “kid” things.
I think that even if I just set an hour or so aside every day
to just spend with them, that will help both the kids and me.
So maybe that’s something that I can work on.
Okay, after the kids, we moved on to my family.
*sighs*
In some ways, there isn’t a whole lot that I can do about this,
and in some ways there are things.
Firstly, obviously, I can’t change anyone else.
I can’t change how any of them particularly treat me, etc.
What I can do, is make sure that I am not placing myself
in too vulnerable positions where I have to TAKE anything they dish out.
Now, again, some of that will be relieved when I am in a two income family,
because I will have to rely less on family members,
particularly grandma, to give me money, do laundry, etc.
But what I can do from here is,
once I get my budget figured out, try to rely on them less as a whole.
And, I can also work again here,
on trying to draw the lines a little bit closer to home.
I am not really sure how I will do this,
but I want to try, and am willing to do so.
And the last thing that Master and I talked about
was Him being able to go out.
*sighs*
We have had this conversation several times now,
and to be totally honest,
I thought that I had been being much better about it.
Maybe not totally perfect about it,
but much better at least.
Apparently not.
It hurts me a little bit to know
that Master has been not going out, staying with me,
and benig angry or upset about it, and I never even knew it.
*sighs*
That really hurts me.
I guess the thing that I can do to help alleviate this
is try to be more understanding and accepting
when He says He needs/wants to go out.
And, to be honest, I DO understand.
I truly do.
I would like to try harder to be more understanding about it,
and to not lay any guilt on Him, and I will work on that.
I want Him to go out.
Yes, I have a harder time when I hear that it is going to be
for a whole day/evening, but, I am never upset with Him about it.
I never mean for Him to feel guilty or to not go out.
But, i’d like to really work on this one,
as it seems to be one of the few that I have some control over.
But, i’m not really sure how to go about doing it.
Maybe I will have to rely on Master a little bit here
for some direction,
becuase I really do want to change this,
I just don’t know that I know the right way to go about doing it.
All I can say without talking to Him is that I will try,
I will do better, and that’s really all I can say.
*sighs*
I guess that is really all I can say
about the issues until We talk.
However, there are a few other things on my mind now too.
Like, for one, I wonder if Master realizes how much
I worry about HIM, as well.
Like it drives me up the wall thinking about
how He has no gas right now.
It makes me crazy to know that some of His biggest problems
and stressors are my fault.
*sighs*
It’s like, in some ways,
I feel really good about the part I play in His life,
because I truly feel that many times,
I am what He needs, that I help in some small way,
when He is down, or whatever.
But A. then I start to wonder if i’m really helping at all
or is He just letting me think I am?
kinda showing me what I want to see?
and B. then there are times like this where I KNOW
that if I wasn’t in His life,
He wouldn’t have a great many of the stresses that He does.
*sighs*
It’s hard, I love Him sooooo much
and I don’t want to add to His burdens any more than I have to.
At the same time,
I know I have to be upfront, open and honest with Him
in my feelings, situations, fears, etc.
But god, that’s hard sometimes.
And I know that He understands this,
because it is hard for Him to do the same in reverse.
*smiles*
What a pair We make.
I feel really guilty for bringing Him so much stress and pain.
It is tearing me apart inside to know that
because of ME, He is crying Himself to sleep at night.
That He is hurting.
I want to make Him feel better,
not hurt Him, not cause Him more pain.
*sighs*
Oh, and since I am dumping here,
I might as well bring up one other thing
that has been eating away at me.
And that is the feeling like I shouldn’t talk to Him.
Not necessarily because of now, but...
well, for example, the other day,
We were talking about breakfast or something...
and I think i “sighed softly”
and the response I got was, “What’s wrong now?”
Well, the only that that HAD been wrong was I was feeling badly
because I didn’t know if I could do something I felt
He was getting ready to ask me.
But hearing that, that “what’s wrong NOW?" question,
well, I felt like I needed to just shut up,
like I was obviously stressing Him out or something.
To be totally honest, it made me shut up.
And when He asked again, I simply said,
"shakes her head, nothings wrong"
And We let it go at that...
that kinda bothers me, because I feel like
I couldn’t talk to Him because
He didn’t want to hear it.
*sighs*
And now i’m feeling really really guilty
because He is going to feel bad when He reads this.
*sighsssssss*
Anyway, I have to get ready for work.
I will be home in a few hours.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
later 05-10-00
Dear Master,
Well, I certainly have a lot more
on my mind now than I did 18 hours ago.
Number one being...i can’t help but think that maybe it’s too late,
maybe We can’t fix any of this.
I’m scared, and i’m hurt and i’m lonely,
and i’m angry and i’m frightened....
I can’t believe this is even happening.
I had thought that We were doing so well.
I really really in the bottom of my heart
thought that things were going well for Us.
I mean, of course I knew that We both had things to work out,
and that We had stuff to work on individually
as well as together.
But truly, I thought that We were making progress.
A part of me is really angry, and scared too.
Because one of the main thoughts running around in my head
is “how dare He?, how can He DO this to me?”
He promised me.
He absolutely swore to me that He’d never ever abandon me.
That He’d always be here for me.
I only asked Him for three things.
That He love me,
that He let me love Him the way that I love,
and that He not abandon me.
That’s it, that’s all I asked for.
Why is it that those requests
are expectations that are too high.
He said He could do those things.
He swore it.
And yet, when I need Him the most....
He needs time and space.
He walks away, and I am probably the most hurt
that I have ever been in my life,
and who do I turn to?
Who do I call?
Who do I lean on?
No one.
I told Him that i’d always be here,
and I meant it.
Always.
Am I supposed to be okay with all of this?
I don’t know how to be.
I don’t know how I am supposed to go on,
with this horrible feeling that I can’t lean on Him
or be with Him or trust Him...
because it is beyond what He can take/wants/needs...whatever.
What do I do now?
What do I do with these feelings and needs and fears now?
Where do I go with them?
Who do I turn to?
Why isn’t He here for me the way He promised?
Why isn’t He taking care of me the way He swore He would.
Why is it that twice in the last three months,
i’ve sat, felt like my heart was being torn in shreds,
and twice the people that were supposed to love me
more than anything else in the world, have abandoned me?
Why is it that i’ve had to sit here,
with gut wrenching sobs, a mess....alone?
I don’t know what I am supposed to do with all these things
and thoughts and feelings and fears.
I just don’t know.
And another thought that’s on my mind is
that He said something to the effect of “if We were vanilla,
I’d risk everything, I’d just go as soon as I could”
Which, to me, indicates that He isn’t, or hasn’t been.
Which has been something I have been worried about all the time.
That He is hesitating or unsure or afraid of this move.
That’s been on my mind for weeks now,
and mostly because I feel like He’s been being passive about it.
Like it hasn’t seemed to be a priority.
Like, i’d be checking the mail every day to see if the passport stuff had come.
i’d be making some serious decisions about the house...
and I don’t see that.
heck, I don’t even know for sure that the house is for sale.
And if He’s been hesitating all this time,
not doing what He said He’d do if We were vanilla,
then how come i’m just finding out?
And damn Him, how can He do this to me?
How can He hurt me like this?
How can He take the focus off of Us,
and put it on all those other things?
I am angry and hurt and confused and resentful
and angry and hurt and betrayed and lost and lonely....
and alone.
I feel very alone right now.
And so confused, I don’t even know what to do or how to act.
I don’t know if I am supposed to be following His rules...
i don’t know anything other than that He isn’t here
and I need Him.
Story of my life, I suppose.
I guess i’ll end this here,
as really, what else is there to say?
I just hope that He comes back to me in time,
because every second that this continues,
a part of me is dying.
Every second that goes by my trust,
my faith is shattered a little more completely...
every second that goes by, my heart breaks a little more.
Every second that goes by....sighs.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
05-11-00
this entry was written as an email from kat to PM.
Master,
*smiles*
Just writing that again
makes me feel all shivery inside.
i think i was really afraid yesterday
that i wasn't ever going to get to call You that again,
and to really feel it.
wow, was i scared.
Just slipping back to that,
that place where i so desparately want to be with You,
sighs, is just heavenly.
i have a few things on my mind
(this could be a journal entry)
that i guess i should talk about.
*smiles*
i just want to say thank You, Master,
for listening to me last night,
even though it was hard and it hurt.
i know that some of the things that i said
were painful to hear, and i am sorry for that.
i hope that You know that my intent was not to hurt You.
i think a part of me felt that i needed,
truly needed, You to know and understand
what was going on in my head those few hours
when i thought that i was going to have to be without You
for an extended period of time.
i needed You to understand what You doing that,
saying You needed "time" and "space" away from me,
was doing to me.
i guess mostly because i figured,
maybe if You knew and understood,
maybe that would help me not be afraid that You'd do it again.
Because, like i said, if You need a few hours,
or an evening, to be alone,
or to think, or to go out....
well, i understand that.
i can accept and even appreciate that.
i may not always LIKE it,
but i can understand and not take it personally.
But hearing You want to take time off from Our relationship,
and not knowing when You will return,
and feeling like i can't come to You if i need to...
well, that is hard.
That i don't want to do again.
Because, if You say kat I need a few hours to think about some stuff,
or I need an evening to just relax...
not only do i understand that,
but if i DO need You for some reason,
i will feel more like i can call You and say,
"i'm sorry, but i had to talk to You about...." whatever.
But saying You need time off from me,
well that made me feel like i was alone.
Do You see the difference?
*sighs*
i hope so, cuz that just took forever to getout.
*grinz*
But i wanted You to know how very very thankful i was
that You handled it so well,
and how very grateful i was as well,
that You listened to me this morning get upset
about bills and stuff and not get freaked out.
That meant a lot to me.
Because, quite honestly, sometimes i just need to vent a little
and be angry or irritated or annoyed or frustrated
or even a little helpless...
but, i don't expect You to fix those things,
and i do believe that they will work themselves out.
It is usually simply that i am tired at the moment
and taking a break,
whether it be from ten minutes of venting and then refocussing,
or it may be a day or two of just
letting it be in the back of my mind simmering
while i try to come up with some way i can "fix" whatever the problem is.
Does that make sense?
One thing i wanted to comment about was that
You had said You wanted to sit down and think about
what You wanted me to be for You, what You needed me to be.
i still hope that You do do that.
Sit and think about it.
i think that's a wonderful idea,
same as i think trying to get You someone who can "mentor" You is a fabulous idea.
Okay, i think i've rambled enough,
i think that i am wayyyyyy overtired now
and probably not making much sense.
Its just 9:00 here, and i think i am going to log off shortly,
maybe read for a few, and crash and burn, man.
*giggles*
i am really proud of myself, Master,
i not only got all the past chores done but i got all of todays done as well,
plus got a few extras thrown in there.
my house is totally clean again.
i was soooo exhausted by the time i was done tho...whew.
But, the kids are in bed, the house is clean,
dusted, vaccuumed, mopped, dishes done, laundry put away....
i don't feel guilty bout anything.
okay, i have to go now,
i love You and can't wait to talk to You later.
i miss You like crazy and can't wait for the day when
You are beside me all night and all day.
i think that that's the day when i will truly be complete,
when my world will be perfect.
i need You, Master,
please come home to me just as soon as You can.
i love You....i miss You...i want You...i need You.
Yours forever,
Your lil slave girl kat
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
05-14-00
Dear Journal,
Well, I think for once this is going to be a good journal entry.
I feel so much better after yesterday.
Master and I had a wonderful day,
and boy, did We need it.
I think that things are really going to be okay.
I think in some way,
I almost feel refreshed, renewed maybe.
I don’t know if that makes any sense or not,
but it’s almost like it feels like a new start for Us,
stronger and better than ever.
I find it almost ironic that it comes today,
that feeling, on Our anniversary,
three months exactly, and We are stronger
and more in love than ever.
*smiles*
God, I love Him.
Well, thats really all I had to say,
was just writing really because, well, because I have to.
*smiles*
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
05-18-00
Dear Journal,
Well, um, I have to write,
even though my mind really isn’t in to writing right now,
having cum about six gazillion freaking times in the last hour.
I had stuff I was going to say,
but I can’t remember what it was at all,
but since I have to write, i’m writing.
Um, let’s see, I was going to write about how I felt bad about not journaling,
but that kinda isn’t in my mind right now,
so maybe i’ll write about it in tomorrow’s journal entry.
I was also gonna say something about feeling bad for not trying to substitute
non caffienated drinks with my pepsi,
but that is kinda far off right now too.
Anyway, I guess I will end this
as I really truly have nothing to say.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
05-19-00
Dear Journal,
Okay, where to start?
It’s been a long few days and I probably am supposed to have
a lot to say about it or at least a lot that i’ve thought about it.
Unfortunately, nothing is coming to mind right now.
Yesterday was a very long day,
and I am really glad that it’s a new day.
Starting the day out yesterday with the trip to the ER,
following it up with realizing that I wasn’t doing a few things on my list,
and ending with a bit fight with my ex,
really, sheeesh, what a day.
I realized that I hadn’t been keeping up with my journaling this week,
as per Master’s orders.
I felt really bad about that,
because I know how important journaling is.
I had written on Sunday,
and then I started an entry on Monday,
but never finished or sent it.
Then I hadn’t written on Tuesday or Wednesday,
nor had I done so yet on Thursday.
I don’t really have a good reason why,
other than that I had been a little busy
and then I really didn’t have much to say.
I know that journaling is important to both Master and I
because it allows me a way to express myself
and for Master to see inside my head, so to speak.
And since I belong to Master, my thoughts belong to Him as well,
and this is a way for Him to get them.
Anyway, I have to make sure to do entries for the next five days,
and try to remain focussed enough to keep up with it.
I know that I can do better.
Then there was forgetting to say thank You
after Master had allowed me to cum.
Shudders.
That’s not a lesson that I particularly care to repeat,
I think I must have had to cum at least 100 times,
and remember to say thank You after each and every one.
That was so hard,
first of all because cumming that many times got painful,
I mean, it really hurt,
I was crying hard by the time it was over.
And then having to remember to say thank You after each one,
well, it was hard to remember,
and it also kept me from “spacing” too much,
which I really wanted to do with all tha cumming.
But, it was a well deserved punishment
and I am sure its not something i’ll likely forget again any time soon.
I know that cumming is not a right,
but a priviledge that Master allows me,
and I am grateful for each time.
I need to remember to express that gratitude first thing I say,
so that He knows that I am appreciative
of how good He is to me and the priviledge that He gives me.
I don’t want to appear ungrateful, ever,
and not saying thank You makes me appear that way.
I know that I am very lucky with Master,
and that it could be a lot worse.
He could not let me cum for days and days
or not at all, if He wished.
I am very lucky in that He likes to hear/see me cum
and that He likes to see me pleased and happy.
I need to remember to show it.
Anyway, the whole blow up with my ex...
i feel really bad about that now,
because I feel like I have somehow done soemthing wrong,
even though I know I have done my best,
even to the point of allowing myself to get taken advantage of.
I hate the idea of losing His friendship, though.
*sighs*
I think I need to think more about this.
Okay, i’m gonna go for now.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
05-19-00
Dear Journal,
Smiles, on the brighter side,
things are going very well with Master and I.
It is looking like there is a possibility that He will be here in like two weeks.
I am so excited, yet also very nervous.
And more than a little worried.
It bothers me sometimes to think of all
that He is going to be giving up for me.
Some things which I don’t know if I can fulfill the void.
He is giving up His friends, His games,
His house, His job...everything He knows
and is comfortable and/or familiar with.
For me.
That’s kinda overwhelming.
I am so worried that one day He will wake up and wonder
why the hell He did it.
Because, if my track record with previous relationships
is anything to go by,
kat simply isn’t worth it.
And those relationships gave up a hell
of a lot less than Master is about to.
If I wasn’t worth what they gave up,
how can I possibly hope to be worth
all that He is giving up?
*sighs*
I know I am supposed to not think like that,
but sometimes I just can’t help it.
He is giving up so very much for me.
How can I expect Him not to wake up one morning
and realize what a horrible mistake He’s made.
Everyone I have ever been with has “woken up.”
sighs.
I guess only time will tell.
I just want Him to be happy,
so very badly,
I want to take care of Him
and love Him and worship Him
and need Him and fulfill all His needs,
as He fills mine.
*smiles*
He has been so wonderful lately.
I can really see the Master in Him
coming out, more and more.
It’s a beautiful thing to watch,
and I am so very very honored
that He is doing so with me.
That He chose me to journey this path with.
That He is so willing to work at this,
to strive to be a better Master,
and to help me strive to be a better slave for Him.
I can see how He is growing more comfortable
with His ownership of me.
That warms my heart so completely.
To know that He is truly starting to feel
His ownership of me
and feel comfortable with it,
and knowing that He is starting to see my devotion
and commitment to Him and my desire
to be all He wants and needs.....
well, it just overwhelms me sometimes.
Okay, I think i’ve babbled suitably enough for a journal entry.
More tomorrow.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
05-21-00
Dear Master,
Okay, the daily journal entry.
Well, after last night, one would think
I would have a ton to say,
and really, to be honest I don’t.
Other than that I wish Master would go camping today,
that I think it’d be good for Him.
But, that’s all i’ll say about the issue.
I am really feeling close to Master today.
Closer than normal.
I keep finding myself wanting more and more
to be n my place with Him.
And no, that’s not my way of asking
for more or anything.
i’m finding that all on my own
I am wanting to focus more and just simply
make Him the center of my world.
my whole life.
I find that happening more naturally more often lately.
I like it.
It makes me feel good.
I so very much want to be able to show Him
how He is my everything, my life,
my reason for breathing,
my love....my everything.
And I so desperately want everything I am
and do and think and feel
to belong to Him.
I want so badly to make Him understand
how He is the focus of my life.
My whole being exists for Him,
for His pleasure.
Anyway, I don’t really have anything else to say,
so I guess I will end here.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
05-23-00
Dear Master,
Well, what a strange morning.
sighs.
I have been been doing a lot of thinking
about the problems that Master and I keep coming up with.
I find it very frustrating,
because I truly have been trying,
and it hurts me beyond anything I can ever imagine
to know that I am hurting Him.
Even though I am trying
to correct it and fix it,
it seems, nothing that I do or say can fix it.
And that hurts.
I wish I could go back and change things,
make them so that I haven’t hurt Us.
But I can’t, and obviously,
I have hurt Us.
It scares me to think
that He is thinking about Us falling apart
or that I don’t care about His wants and needs.
Thats ALL I care about.
I know that I have selfish moments,
and truly, I am working on that,
but I love Him so very fiercely.
It’s unlike anything I have ever felt before.
And I know that I get upset
and that I get scared and selfish and needy.
sighs.
I am trying to work on that too.
I can’t help sometimes that my insecurities
get the better of me sometimes.
I wish I could,
and i’m working on it...
but I just can’t simply undo everything
that has happened to make me so insecure.
I don’t know if that makes sense,
but, when I really think about it,
that’s what it boils down to.
I have been through so much,
and hurt so deeply before,
that I just can’t help but get insecure sometimes.
And to worry.
And to be scared.
Truly, I try to keep a handle on those things
and not let them get the better of me,
but sometimes I just can’t help it.
Sometimes I just need to say,
“You love me and I love You
and evrything is okay with Us, right?”
And just get the simple yes.
Sometimes that’s all it takes,
I just need to hear it.
I don’t need to be shown or convinced,
I just sometimes need a reaffirmation
that things are okay
and that We are a forever couple.
Because I need Us to be.
Like Master said recently,
“I just can’t survive another breakup.”
Well, I can’t either.
Not only that, but I just would
shrivel up and die if I lost Him,
and if I loved and trusted again
and it wasn’t enough.
The point is,
I love Him more than i’ve ever loved before.
And I love Him with an intensity that is scary.
For both of Us sometimes.
sighs, i’m babbling here.
As for the current situation,
the only suggestion I can come up with,
other than doing what I have been doing
which is trying to make Him comfortable
in going out and doing what He needs to do...
the only other suggestion that I can think of
is to try to set up some sort of regular times,
that I can count on to be with Him.
And then if I get more than that,
its just a bonus.
I don’t know if that’d help at all,
but it’s the only thing I can think of.
anyway, enough babbling for the day.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
05-25-00
Dear Master,
Well, just a quick journal entry
before I head out to what is already promising
to be a very long day.
I am afraid that I may not
have time later on to write,
so I thought i’d make sure it gets done,
by doing it now.
Things seem to have calmed down
a little for Master and I,
which is good.
It’s what We needed, I think.
I know He has a lot of things to do
in the next few days,
and I am totally behind Him in that.
I know as well that He will be
going out most likely Friday night,
and I am fine with that as well.
The weekend is going to be kinda hellish for me,
but nothing that can’t be dealt with.
I mentioned to Master last night
about picking a date.
I hope that I didn’t come across as sounding pressuring
or anything like that,
the reasons I gave just made sense to me.
my general thought was that if people
know a “date” that He is going,
it will force them to make decisions
and get motivated.
Including Master Himself.
Anyway, I know that Master will
take care of things in His own way,
and I can only trust that He is doing
and will continue to do things
to ensure that He gets here as soon as possible.
I simply miss Him,
and not only that,
but I want to help
which is why I keep reminding Him about things
and trying to simply encourage Him
to get things done.
Sometimes, though, I think,
He gets irritated with me
and my questions and suggestions.
Well, anyway, I just hope He knows
that it is simply because I miss Him
and love Him,
and that I know that He is nervous
and scared about moving,
and I am trying to be as helpful as I can,
and as reassuring.
Because truly, way down deep in my heart,
I know that He is my “One.”
That He is the One that I have been
searching for all my life
and that He truly completes me.
That makes Us a forever team.
I have no doubts about it.
I know that it will not always be easy,
but there is no option for me.
He is my other half.
I love Him,
more than I have ever loved anyone before.
Anyway, I am a little tired this morning,
and off and running to get like
ten gazillion things done.
I will write again soon.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
05-26-00
Dear Master,
Mmmm...as the day gets closer
to when Master gets here,
I can’t help but feel
a huge assortment of emotions.
Number one of course,
is how very much I miss Him
and how very deperately I want and need
to simply be with Him again.
I haven’t been sleeping well lately
and I just know that when He is here,
I will finally be able to rest comfortably
in His arms and His love and rest.
Just thinking about it makes my heart feel
like it’s going to explode.
On the other hand,
I can’t help but be a little nervous and,
quite simply, a little afraid.
I am so worried that I
am not going to be everything that He needs
and/or wants me to be.
In so many ways.
Like, sexually, He and I have been doing
a lot of talking about things
He or We want to do and well,
I have been incredibly turned on.
But what happens if I can’t actually
do some of those things in real life?
I mean, I think I can,
and I know I want to,
because the mere thoughts of most of those things
drive me wild with need and aching and desire.
I can’t imagine how wonderful it will feel
to do some of them.
Another of the things that i’m
a little worried about is, well, um,
i’m not sure how to put it.
When Master was here the last time,
I was very encouraging about everything and anything
He wanted to try or do.
And I really want to be that way most of the time.
But, I also know me,
there are some things that
I am going to hesitate about.
And, basically,
I am worried that He will think my hesitation
is due to not wanting to do them
or crossing boundaries or something.
And, in reality, I know me,
that’s not what it will be at all.
It will be mostly about feeling
embarassed or humiliated about doing those things.
And I know He’d say
“don’t feel embarassed”
but I can’t help it,
and part of me doesn’t want to because
that feeling, and eventually overcoming it,
and doing what He asks,
are simply wonderful feelings.
I am worried though,
hat if I hesitate about something He will back off,
or whatever, and that isn’t going to be
good for either of Us.
I am also worried that well,
that I won’t satisfy His needs,
His desires, His....
sighs
i so very much want to be everything He wants,
and everything He needs.
And I do mean everything.
I worry about other things too,
not just the sexual parts.
I am worried that I won’t be
what He wants in so very many ways.
I just hope that He has patience with me
and helps to guide me to be what He wants.
Hmmm, anyway, I guess thats
whats on da katsters mind today.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
05-30-00
Dear Master,
Sighs softly.
I wish that I could explain
this feeling I feel.
I hate to have any kind of
negative feelings any more,
or to seem to be not strong.
But that’s exactly what i’m feeling.
Tired, and well, not strong right now.
I try so very hard to be strong,
to just stay strong and know that soon
I won’t have to be so strong so often.
But it’s really hard.
Sometimes I just want to be weak.
Sometimes I just want to say,
“Know what? I miss You so bad it hurts.
I ache for You so deeply that
it rocks me to the very core.
I need You so intensely that it scares me.
I love You in a way
unlike anything i’ve ever felt.”
Sometimes I just want to say those things.
Sometimes, I just want to cry,
because the ache of missing Him burns
so deep, it brings me to tears.
But, I don’t ever dare say any of that.
I am so afraid of scaring Him,
or stressing Him, or well,
simply overwhelming Him.
I don’t want to cry to Him,
because I don’t want to pressure Him.
But more than that,
I don’t want to hurt Him,
or to know that He is hurting because of me.
I don’t feel free to cry
to just let it out.
Sighs.
I know this is going to upset Him,
which is why I am writing about it,
because I know that even though I don’t want to
tell Him all this,
because I don’t want to hurt Him,
I know that I have to talk to Him.
He deserves to have all of me.
And that includes all my feelings,
good or bad.
I just thought that writing it out
would help me to be able to express
these things to Him.
I don’t know if I have done so
now clearly,
but at least it’s out there.
At least it’s on the table,
so to speak.
I got scared yesterday
when He started asking me about
how He hoped that I would understand
that if He ever had to hurt me,
that it would hurt Him tremendously,
but that He hoped that I would understand
that He would only be doing what He felt
He needed to do.
It scared me,
I got this terrible sense of foreboding.
And even though He told me
that there wasn’t anything to worry about,
I couldn’t help it.
And, to be totally honest,
I still can’t.
i’ve been thinking about it all night
and all morning.
The way He was talking
was almost like He was trying to make sure
that I would be okay if He told me
He couldn’t come yet,
or something like that.
I am trying not to worry over much about it,
but part of me can’t help it.
Part of me is waiting to see what it is
that He feels He needs to do that might hurt me.
I know He said not to,
but I can’t help it,
it’s there.
I guess all I can do is try to deal with it,
and continue on,
and hope that my foreboding feeling is wrong.
Or, that at least, if it isn’t wrong,
that I find out what it is soon.
Okay, I don’t know if ANY of that makes any sense at all,
but there it is.
Okay, I am totally rambling here.
I am gonna go for now and will write more tomorrow.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
later 05-30-00
(This was an email from kat to her Master
Dear Master,
i feel the need to say something,
sighs,
but i don't know what to say.
i don't have any idea what to say.
i don't know that anything i can say
will make any difference.
i have been lying her curled up
in a ball in the corner,
crying and thinking.
Trying to think of why i did it,
trying to think of how i can attone for it,
trying to think of what an appropriate punishment would be,
trying to think if i was going to be able to
forgive myself for hurting You,
for disappointing You,
trying to decide if i'd ever stop hating myself for this.
i haven't come up with many,
if any, answers.
sighs.
i feel bad not only for
disappointing and hurting You,
but for putting You in this position now.
As i said earlier,
i don't know that You NEED to do anything
at this point, the damage is done.
That's not to say i wouldn't accept
anything You dealt out, but...
well, i don't know,
i'm just rambling.
As for why i did it,
i think i covered that in the first email.
The only reason
(reason, not excuse)
that i can come up with is
that i was greedy, selfish, and horny.
plain and simple.
i got myself worked up in my mind
about being humiliated and about
some of the scenes We had been talking about
and the more i thought about it,
the hotter i got,
and the more what i was doing wasn't enough.
In my head, at the moment.
i basically lost all focus of who i am
and who i belong to
and became totally engrossed with my fantasy.
That isn't an excuse,
there isn't one,
but it is what happened,
plain and simple.
i have been thinking hard about it,
because it is SO unlike me.
i don't know if i have EVER
broken a rule like this.
So i was really trying to figure out why.
i tried to find out if i did it TO be defiant,
or because of some underlying problem.
That simply isn't the case.
It was a case of being unfocussed,
or, more accurately,
focussed on the wrong thing...
the wrong person, so to speak.
As for what i can do to attone for it,
that of course is up to You.
Yes, i could think of things
that *i*'d do or things that
*i* think would work over things
that *i* think wouldn't.
But, this isn't about me.
i thought hard about punishments,
trying to think of what i would do
if it were me in Your shoes.
And trying to look at what would be effective,
from a submissive point of view.
But again, none of that really matters.
As for whether or not i can forgive myself...
well, hopefully in time, i suppose.
Probably in time,
or through the direct attonement, i will.
Because You are right,
it doesn't do Either of Us any good
for me to never forgive myself.
So i suppose, at some point,
i will have to try.
But believe me, no matter what course of action
You chose to take with this,
the lesson has already been learned.
The self loathing and the horrible,
sobbing, gut wrenching pain from having hurt
and disappointed You have done their trick.
my only desire now is to focus on You.
To absolutely totally focus on You
and what You want, need, think,
feel, desire, whatever.
*sighs*
i don't know if any of this is making any sense,
Sir, but i felt i should talk to You
about what i have been thinking.
So, there it is.
i wish i could tell You how very sorry i am.
i wish that You could see the look in my eyes,
or see how i want to curl up tighter than a ball
and fade out of existence.
i guess now i can only hope
that You will help me to forgive myself,
and to refocus....
to keep my focus where it should
have been all along.
How You do that,
is of course, up to You.
sighs...
i'm going to go because at this point,
i ammerely rambling.
i love You, Sir,
more than You know.
