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COP JOKES

Holy Cow!....These are some killers!
A policeman was interrogating three blondes who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he showed the first blonde a picture for five seconds and then hid it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" The blonde answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!" The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture shows his profile." Flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for five seconds at the second blonde and asks her, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!" The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?!? Of course only one eye and one ear are SHOWING because it's a picture of his profile!! Is that the best answer you can come up with?" Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" He quickly adds, "...think hard before giving me a stupid answer." The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "Hmmmm...the suspect wears contact lenses." The policeman is surprised because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well, that's an interesting answer... wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that." He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. "Wow! I can't believe it... it's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?" "That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."
One day a police officer was driving his squad through the cemetary as police officers do on the midnight shift. He came upon an auto with its headlights off and no persons were visible. The officer exited his vehicle and approached the suspicious auto and noticed two youthful occupents jump up and began to button their clothing. The officer stated, didn't you see the sign on the front gate -- closed after 6:00 P.M.? The youth responded, "No sir, officer ;We came in the back gate where it says get lots while you're young!!!!"
A very pregnant lady stepped off the curb into the path of a police car causing the police officer to jam on his brakes to avoid hitting her. The officer yelled to the lady, "Look out, lady, you can get knocked down too."
Two young ladies were talking and one of them asked the other one, "Did you ever get picked up buy the fuzz?" The other girl answered, "No but it sure must hurt!"
A primary school teacher decided to see how many of the city kids knew what sounds farm animals made. She asked the kids to put their hands up if they knew the correct sound. "Who knows what sound a cow makes?" she asked. Cindie put her hand up and said "Moooo!" "Very good" replied the teacher,"what sound do sheep make?" "Baaaa" answered Jimmy. She continued this for a while. Then she asked, "What sound does a pig make?" All the hands in the class went up. She was surprised at the response. She chose Little Johnny at the back of the class. He stood up, took a deep breath, and screamed, "Up against the wall mutha-fucka!!"
The Baltimore Police Department, famous for it's superior K-9 unit, was somewhat taken back by a recent incident. Returning home from work, a blonde haired women, had been shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcasted the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first on the scene. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the woman ran out on the porch, clapped a hand to her head and moaned....... "I come home from work to find all my possessions stolen, I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send a BLIND policeman!"
On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike. The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" The kid replys, "Yeah." The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike." The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a ticket for the bicycle safety violation. The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off, he turns back to the cop and says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did." The kid says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick under the horse rather than on top."
A cop sees a car weaving all over the road and pulls it over. He walks up to the car and sees a nice-looking woman behind the wheel. There is the strong smell liquor on her breath. He says, 'I'm going to give you a breathalyzer test to determine if you are under the influence of alcohol.' She blows up the balloon, and he walks it back to the police car. After a couple of minutes he returns to her car and says, 'It looks like you've had a couple of stiff ones.' She replies, 'You mean it shows that, too?'
A police officer stops a blond for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"
TWO GUYS ARE DRIVING DOWN A MISSISSIPPI ROAD AND ARE PULLED OVER BY A POLICE OFFICER. THE OFFICER WALKS UP TO THE VEHICLE AND INSTRUCTS THE DRIVER TO ROLL DOWN THE WINDOW. WHEN THE DRIVER ROLLS DOWN THE WINDOW HE GETS A RAP ON THE HEAD WITH THE OFFICER'S STICK. THE DRIVER SAYS: "WHAT'S THAT FOR?" AND THE OFFICER SAYS "NEXT TIME YOU'RE STOPPED, HAVE YOUR DRIVER'S LICENCE OUT AND READY. THE OFFICER THEN GOES TO THE PASSENGER SIDE OF THE VEHICLE WHERE HE RAPS THE PASSENGER IN THE HEAD WITH HIS STICK. THE PASSENGER SAYS "WHAT'S THAT FOR?" THE OFFICER SAYS I MADE YOUR WISH COME TRUE. I KNOW THAT TWO MILES DOWN THE ROAD YOUR GOING TO SAY "I WISH HE WOULD HAVE TRIED THAT SHIT WITH ME."
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and Siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled "PULLOVER!" "NO," the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"
One evening, to burglars broke into a drug store and managed to steal a large quantity of a drug, known as Viagra. The local PD is now on the look out for two hardened criminals.
A blonde woman calls 911. In a panic she tells the dispatcher that her house is on fire and that she needs the fire department there immediatly. The dispatch tells her, just calm down and tell us how to get there. The blonde lady replies "DUH, BIG RED TRUCK"
There was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill and theres a lot of testing and background checking involved before one can be considered for the position. After sending a few selected applicants through the background checking and testing, they were narrowed down to just 2 men and a woman. Only one position is available. The day came for the final test to see which person to give the classified job. The CIAs administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun 'We must know that you will follow all instructions no matter what the circumstances are', they explained, 'Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her.' The applicant got a shocked look on his face and said 'you can't be serious! I could never shoot my wife.' 'Well' said the CIA, 'youre definitely not the right man for the job.' So they bring in the second man to the same door and hand him the gun. The second man looked shocked but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes, then the door opened. The man came out with tears 'I tried to shoot her, I couldn't just pull the trigger, I guess I'm not the right man for the job.' 'No,' the CIA replied 'You dont have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.' Now it's the woman applicants turn. lead her to the door gave her the gun. You'll find your husband sitting in a chair take this gun and kill him. The woman took the gun, opened the door and closed it. The CIA heard the gun firing. One shot after another , for 13 shots. Then hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls and floor. Went on like this for several minutes, then all was quiet the door slowly opened, there stood the woman. She wiping the sweat off her brow with her arms said, 'You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat him to death with the chair.'
After a party one evening, Doug and Grace were going home. Doug had a few drinks and did not want Grace to drive. About one mile down the road, Doug was pulled over by the police. Doug tells Grace, "Don't say one word. I'll do all the talking." The officer walks up to the car and says, "Do you know why I pulled you over?" "Why no," says Doug. "It seems your registration is not current. Where you aware of this?"inquires the officer. "No I had no idea." replies Doug. Grace speaks up and says, "Yes you did, I have been telling you to take care of that for two months now." "SHUT UP, DAMN YOU!" Doug says. "Well, sir, that's not the only reason I pulled you over. Did you know that you have a tail-light out as well?" askes the officer. Doug with the best innocent face he could muster says, "Why no, officer. I had no idea." Grace then says, " Doug, please, you just got a ticket on that last week. You knew." "SHUT UP, DUMD B____CH!" Dous says with a growel. The officer then leans in the window and says," Excuse me, does he always talk to you like that?" Grace then informs him, "No, only when he is drunk."
A man was caught trespassing on an old farm boy's place in Mississippi. The farm boy ended up in jail charged with assault with deadly weapon, the trial was in progress when the defense attorney called the defendant to testify. The defendant being uneducated and scared thought he would just be honest and answer the questions as best he could. When the defense attorney got around to asking the man if it was true that he did shoot the victim on his property, he said yes he shot him with 00 buck. The defense attorney then asked if he shot him in self defense. He replied no! I shot him in the ass, he jumped the fence.
There were two rednecks speeding down a dirt road in Alabama when they were pulled over by a local Sheriff. As the Sheriff approached, the driver rolled down his window. The Sheriff asked,"You got any ID?". The driver replied "'Bout what?"
COP: SIR,YOU JUST RAN A STOP SIGN. MAN: YOU HAVE TO BE KIDDING . . . THERE WASN'T A CAR IN TWENTY MILES AND BESIDES THAT, I SLOWED DOWN ! COP: SIR I NEED YOUR LICENCE AND REGISTRATION. YOU DIDN'T COME TO A COMPLETE STOP. MAN: YOUR JOKING -- ARE ALL THE DONUT SHOPS CLOSED. COP: I'LL OVERLOOK YOUR LAST COMMENT, NOW PLEASE GIVE ME YOUR LICENCE AND REGISTRATION. MAN: I'LL TELL YOU WHAT, I'LL GIVE IT TO YOU IF YOU TELL ME THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN STOPPING AND SLOWING DOWN. COP: SIR, I CAN DO BETTER THEN THAT. THE COP OPENS THE DOOR OF THE MAN'S VEHICLE, AND PROCEEDED TO METHODICALLY BEAT HIM ON THE HEAD WITH HIS NIGHT STICK. "NOW SIR WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO COME TO A COMPLETE STOP OR JUST SLOW DOWN ??????"
A lady with a station wagon full of little league baseball players ran a stop sign and almost rammed a police car. The officer got out of the cruiser and screamed, "Jesus lady, don't you know when to stop? The lady replied, "Honest, Officer, these kids are not all mine".
One day a man is speeding on the interstate and a police officer falls in behind him and turns on the blue lights. The man thinks, "I can get away from this COP..." He commenses to increase his speed and escape from this officer. After a minute or so, he realizes that he's not going to escape, so he pulls over. The Police Officer steps up to the window of his vehicle and tells the man, "I was on my way home and have had a very long day. If you can give me a good enough excuse, I'll let you go with a warning." The man thinks for a second and says to the officer, "About two weeks ago, my wife ran off with a police officer. I honestly thought that you were him trying to give her back to me..."
Police officer George and officer Mary had been assigned to walk the beat. They had only been out a short while when Mary said, "Darn, I was running late this morning and forgot to put on my panties! We have to go back to the station to get them." George replied, "We don't have to go back just give Fido my trusty police dog one sniff, and he will go fetch them for you." It was a hot day and Mary didn't fell like heading back to the station, so she lifted her skirt for the dog. Fido's nose shoots between her legs, sniffing and snorting. After 10 seconds of sniffing, Fido's ears pick up, he sniffs the wind, and he is off in a flash towards the station house. Five minutes go by and no sign of Fido. Ten minutes pass, and the dog is nowhere to be seen. Fifteen minutes pass, and they are starting to worry. Twenty minutes pass, and they hear sirens in the distance. The sirens get louder and louder. Suddenly, followed by a dozen police cars, Fido rounds the corner with the Desk Sergeant's balls in his mouth!
An Albuquerque policeman pulled a car over and told the driver that, because he had been wearing his seat belt, he had just won $5,000 in the statewide safety competition. "What are you going to do with the money?" asked the policeman. "Well, I guess I'm going to get a driver's license, and maybe buy some insurance" he answered. "Oh, don't listen to him," yelled a woman in the passenger seat. "He's a smart aleck when he's drunk." This woke up the guy in the back-seat, who took one look at the cop and moaned, "I knew we wouldn't get far in a stolen car." At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a voice said, in Spanish, "Are we over the border yet?"
A police officer pulls over this guy who's been weaving in and
out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says, Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube." The man says, Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma
attack." Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample. I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death. Well, then, we need a urine sample. I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar. All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line. I can't do that, officer. Why not? Because I'm drunk.
Funny Police Quotes


"The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."

"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

"So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

"Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"

"Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?"

"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

"Life's tough, it's tougher if you're stupid."

"No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."

"Just how big were those two beers?

"In God we trust, all others are suspects."
Bad Excuses for Speeding


  • 1. My brakes weren't working, officer, but hey what do ya know...they're working just fine now.
  • 2. Do you mind, officer, I'm missing Wheel-of-Fortune.
  • 3. If you'd be willing to look the other way this one time, officer, I'd make it worth your while...say, a rent one get one free coupon for Skippy's Video Galore?
  • 4. I was just making sure that your radar gun was working properly. 88 MPH, you say? Yep, it's in perfect condition.
  • 5. I'm sorry, officer, but I'm rushing my wife to the hospital. Where's my wife? Damnit, I knew I forgot something!
  • 6. I'm rushing home to answer the telephone.
  • 7. I just took a laxative. Now either let me go or watch me go, your choice.
  • 8. I'm employed by O.J. Simpson and I'm in hot pursuit of the real killer.
  • 9. Don't talk to me, officer, talk to K.I.T.
    .....And the worst excuse when stopped for speeding:
  • 10. The devil made me do it.
    Thanks to MOPAR for these gems!
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