What? What did you say? Speak up there, I can't hear you. ? "You want to date my daughter!?"

She's just a sweet, innocent little girl... The first thing you have to do is fill out this application.

Note: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage and medical report from your doctor. Name:________________________ Nickname/Alias:___________________ Date Of Birth:____/____/____ Height:______ Weight:______ I.Q.:______ G.P.A.:________ Soc. Sec.#______-___-_______ Driver's License#____________________ Boy Scout Rank:_____________Good Standing: Yes_____No_____ Home Address:_______________________________ City/State/Zip_____________________________ Home Phone#: (___)___________ Car Phone#:_______________ Pager#:__________ Do you own a. Van?____ b. Truck with oversized tires?____ c. Car with a trunk full of speakers?_____ Do you have and of the following: a. An earring_____ b. nose ring______ c. belly button ring_____ or piercings on any other body parts_____ Explain:_____________________________________________________ Tattoo?______ (If you answered YES to any of the above questions, discontinue and leave the premises immediately.) In 30 words or less, what does "LATE" mean to you? ________________________________________________________________ In 30 words or less, what does "DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER" mean to you? ________________________________________________________________ Church you attend_____________________ How often______________________ Best time to interview your pastor?_______________________ Fill In The Blank. Please answer freely, all answers will be confidential. a. If I were beaten, the last bone I want to be broken broken is: ____________________________________________________ b. The one thing I hope this application does not ask me is ____________________________________________________ c. Now answer the question you filled in on B ____________________________________________________ NOTE: If you have answered any of the previous questions dishonestly (and I will find out), discontinue application. It is advised that you leave the premises quickly keeping your head low and running in serpentine fashion. I swear that all information provided above is true and correct to the best of my knowledge under penalty of death, dismemberment, electrocution, and/or hot pokers. _____________________________ Signature (This means sign your name) Thank you for your interest. Please allow 4 - 6 YEARS for processing. If your application is approved, you will be contacted in writing. Please do not call or write, this could cause you unexpected injury. If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two men wearing white ties and answering to the names GUIDO and LOUIE.

What are you still doing here? I thought I got rid of you! OK, if you insist on hanging around, we'll now discuss "Ten Simple Rules for Dating My Daughter"

Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up. Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them. Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose his compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist. Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you. Rule Five: It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early." Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry. Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car? Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka -- zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better. Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me. Rule Ten: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car -- there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine. All rules are non-negotiable!

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