You Might Be A Cop If . . .

Subject: You might be a cop if . . .

You might be a cop if . . .

. . . you have the bladder capacity of five people

. . . you believe that 25% of people are a waste of protoplasm

. . . your idea of a good time is an armed robbery at shift change

. . . you call for a criminal check of anyone who seems friendly to you

. . . discussing dismemberment over a gourmet meal seems perfectly normal to you

. . . you identify a negative "teeth to tatoo" ratio just by looking at a person

. . . you find humor in other people's stupidity

. . . you disbelieve 90% of what you hear and 75% of what you see

. . . you have your weekends off planned for a year in advance

. . . you believe unspeakable evils will fall upon you if someone says "boy, it sure is quiet here tonight"

. . . your diet consists of food that has gone through more processing than a computer can track

. . . you believe chocolate is a food group

. . . when someone calls you a jerk, you take it as a compliment

. . . you have ever wanted to hold a seminar entitled "Suicide, get it right the first time"

. . . you believe that "too stupid to live" should be a valid verdict

. . . you have ever had to put the phone on hold, so you could laugh uncontrollably

. . . you believe a certain dispatcher is possessed by a demon

. . . your favorite hallucinogen is exhaustion

. . . you think caffeine should be available in IV form

. . . you have heard the sergeant muttering down the hall, "who's in charge of this mess"

. . . your prisoner states, "I don't know how it got there"

. . . it occurs to you suddenly one night that you are policing the Twilight Zone

. . . you believe anyone who says, "I only had two or three beers" and blows over 150

. . . you find out a lot about paranoia just by following people around

. . . you are told to deliver a human jaw in a jar and you find yourself talking to it there on the seat beside you

. . . you believe it's not a good death unless it involves overtime

. . . you are the only person introduced at a social gathering by his profession

. . . you walk into places and people think it's high comedy to seize a co-worker and shout "they've come to get you, bill or fred. or whoever"

. . . you do not see daylight from November to May

. . . you believe office meetings are always called at the end of your shift

. . . people shout "I didn't do it!" when you walk into a room and they think it's original and hugely funny