The Top Ten Signs You've Hired The Wrong Clown For Your Child's Birthday

1. By the end of the party, he's got every damn kid doing the "pull my finger trick."

2. Clown car must be started with breathalizer device.

3. Props for his "disappearing" trick: a moving van and your wide-screen TV.

4. Scares the holy hell outta the kids during the "Severed Limb" trick.

5. Didn't bring any balloons, but manages to twist your dacshound into other animal shapes.

6. Prefaces each trick with, "here's a little number I learned in the joint".

7. Wears a T-shirt that says, "Drug-free since March."

8. Tell the kids he killed Barney in a blood match in Newark.

9. Price list includes "lap dance" and "around the world."

10. All the balloon animals are ribbed and lubricated.