Completely Heaven By Pandora North Star Rating PG Notes: Sort of afterlife ish When Spike entered his newly furnished lair he could smell her. The faint scent of apples and vanilla lingered in the entrance to the mausoleum. The rolling dampness of the room wrapped itself around him, like a pet greeting its’ master. Burned out candles flickered, the one sign that someone was tending the emptiness. He walked inside quietly, as if a footstep might disturb the peace that controlled the room. The flickering candles waved him onward as he lowered himself down the trapdoor. More candles lit the hallway that opened to his modest bed. It was new, wrought iron with a faded flower comforter. Curled in an impossibly small ball on his bed was the broken Slayer. He knew she knew he was there and proceeded to walk around the room, never closer to the bed. Lord knows he wanted to run and catch her up in his arms but that would likely shatter what little she had left. No, better to do it slowly. “The comforter is ugly.” The voice was trembling and unsure. But it was a little something of the old Slayer. “Well I don’t get much first hand stuff with no money and no mysterious inheritances. I get by though.” “The only one.” “What?” “You were the only one who didn’t dare do what they did to me, or would have stopped them. You got by however much you missed me. They couldn’t and in the end we all suffer.” “Are you mad that I could get by?” “Why should I be? You have no soul.” “I have a heart. And it broke. Every night, it broke.” He turned to her, an old shirt of hers clutched in his hand. “You see this? One of the few things I had left. Cold nights when they all hated me I held it, knew that you were somewhere better, that I could never be. It was sad but I was happy for you. I was only mad because I couldn’t save her. But I have now. And I will. Forever.” “Forever? It’s so long. It really is.” “Forever’s what you’ve done to me. God Buffy if you only knew!” “I know. I know lots of things. I know I should be in forever now. That I shouldn’t be here.” Her beautiful eyes which had come to look at him hid once again, little obsidian orbs in the dim room. He missed them like he missed the sun. “Well I know something different.” She felt his weight on the bed. She dared to look up. His hair was mussed. He must have been patrolling. He looked tired and worn. “I know that they never finished the spell. I know it wasn’t supposed to work. I know that everything was wrong but someone, somewhere wanted to make it right. And Buffy whatever you think about being dead, you’re meant to be alive. Living is what you do, mot dying. You are the essence of live. And I think that’s what attracts me to you.” He shook his head like he didn’t believe he was saying it. Maybe he thought he was slightly nuts. He turned to her, their eyes met. “I don’t want to live.” She uncurled herself, opening herself to him. “I don’t want to have to die again. You’d think after dying twice it would be enough. Who is so cruel to do this? Do you know how much I’ve lost? My mother, Angel, Jenny, Kendra, and all my friends and classmates. They died because of me.” “Your mum died naturally. It was inevitable.” “Was it really? Who knows. I don’t. And I’ve been to the after. How many higher powers are there? Who are we kidding. We know nothing and we are to scared to realize it. This world is fucking with us. Everything is fucked.” “Don’t say that. If it all was then no one would live. We would all kill ourselves with the umbilical cord.” “Don’t laugh.” “I’m not. I’m just trying to make you see there’s something to live for. We still need you. Dawn and I. I don’t give a shit about the soddin’ others. They got something wrong with them. But you have to stay for us and stop being so bloody selfish!” “How am I selfish?” “You just are. You take the world on your shoulders and you won’t share. Atlas you have a bad back. Don’t let this be the straw.” Hate and anger and frustration burned in his eyes. It was so hard though. “I tried to give it away. Do you remember Angel? Riley?” “I have something they don’t…or rather do. I don’t have a fuckin soul. I won’t wuss out on you. I’m what you need. I’m strong and I’ll fight to the end. Can you say that about Captain Abandon Ship?…I want to break down those walls you’ve created.” “Then what? Give myself up to you? Do you really want that? When I die again. Could you handle it? Would you pull a Willow?” “Who says you get to die first again?” Her face appeared finally, emerged from her shell. Tear streaked with puffy eyes. There was so much grief in the room it was like a hazy smoke that tried to choke them, leaving fingerprints around their hearts and throats. “I’m so lonely… Could you bear what I hold in? I‘m talking the mega load of hurt and pain.” “Pain and I are old friends. Try getting lit on fire. There’s pain for you.” Buffy leaned all the way over towards Spike and laid her hand on his. He felt something go through him as images jumped across his mind’s eye. In less then a second he experienced her whole life. And it hurt more than anything he could imagine. “How did you do that?” “Something I learned.” There was no smile, not on her face or in her eyes. But there was hope. A trace somewhere deep inside. “You’re beautiful.” His hand touched her face. “The most beautiful thing in the world, ever created. I love you. With everything I am, was or will be. You can make me.” He kissed her hand feeling more right than ever. Along with all her pain he had felt the completion of heaven. “Thank you.” Her head rested on his shoulder, her arms around him. “For being you.”
