Title: Reflected Visions Author: Pandora North Star Rating: PG Notes: Spike's thoughts as he prepared for battle. I followed her. When we got to the house I tried to walk in. But I remembered. I had been disinvited. She looked at me. Her commands hung in the air. I wanted to get the weapons. I tried to tell her to hand them over the threshold. It didn't matter. I wanted to help her. All the pain and rage and indignation I used to get from her, it had all faded over the past month. It was like it hadn't been there. I was an ally now. I was trusted. At least by her. The others...well they were as cold as ice. But they didn't matter. She was the sole planet in my universe. They were just comets floating past. She told me to come in. I couldn't believe it. Yup. She trusted me. It felt good. Almost as good as getting kissed by her. Almost. I entered slowly, careful. I found the chest in the livingroom and began rooting around, muttering about the size of the weapons. Truth was I was to floored by her invitation I couldn't think straight. "We're not all gonna make it." I had known it but the words hit me like bricks. I started thinking of everyone. I wondered who wouldn't survive. Me probably. I was the most expendable. It was sad but it filled me with a feeling of purpose and honor. "Hey. Always knew I'd go down fightin'." I had to say something to ease her mind. It did seem to comfort her. Confirm her faith in me. "I'm counting on you ... to protect her." She trusted me with her sister. Yeah. I would protect her. She was a Summers wasn't she? They had me trapped those women. Damn them to bloody hell. They ruined my unlife. They made it decent and noble. How human. "Till the end of the world. Even if that happens to be tonight." It was strange. It would probably be the end of the world. I was being realistic. They had never met a god. I had. Briefly. I didn't want to scare her anymore. She nodded. She took it in. I wish she showed me some emotion. Just a small sign it meant something to her. But I knew that would only make her weak. I followed her to the bottom of the stairs. Her cute little hips sashayed as she went upstairs. I choked on my words. I had to say something. Something before it was all over. " I know you'll never love me." We both knew it. What we were to each other would never be that. It hurt but I needed to say it. Needed to get over my hope. "I know that I'm a monster. But you treat me like a man. And that's..." I stopped. There was nothing left to say. There was no way to say it. She knew what I was saying. That was enough. "I'll be right down." She didn't smile or nod but her eyes said it all. *I'm sorry. I wanted too, I think. I'm proud of you.* The weapons were heavy in my arms. As heavy as the feelings in my dead heart. We were marching into battle with toothpicks practically. Unless we got some hell of a 4 leaf clover. I mean the size of an elephant it wasn't going to end pretty. I put on my game face. I wasn't human. I wasn't going to fall prey to human weakness. Chin up Spike. Go down fighting. That's what you've always said you would do. I held the weapons higher. I stood straighter.
