Title: "Superman" aka "Special Things" By Pandora North Star* Rating: PG Notes: Season 6 spoilers \\I can't stand to fly I'm not that Naive I'm just out to find The Better part of me// I clawed. I crawled. I took my first breath in 3 months. It hurt. I hated it. If you don't believe in Heaven, I swear it exists. Not in the sense you'd imagine, but it's there in all its peaceful glory. He. Glory. I don't remember much of the first few minutes. I mean my brain was dead. But all the senses felt. The dirt, the stone, the blood. Being trapped in a coffin is terrible. I wouldn't even wish it on Glory. I think my first thought was something along the lines of like "Why?" There are so very few who can understand just what I felt when I finally stood and looked at my sunken gravestone. The worst thing in the universe is being ripped from your peaceful death to find you're back in the same hard life you just escaped. Maybe third time's the charm. That's sick. But didn't I die the death I was meant too? \\I'm more than a bird..I'm More than a plane I'm more than some pretty face beside a train It's not easy to be me// I went to the tower. I wanted to jump. I needed to jump. And then I saw Dawn. The look on her face was enough to stop me. It took me awhile to find out how I had come back. Everyone was surprised their spell worked. Willow even ventured to say they had help from somewhere else. Then there was Spike. The moment he first saw me, he looked the most surprised and the most shocked of all. He uttered my name and reached out. It made me nervous. I had thought that he wouldn't be around. I was dead and gone. Yet he was there and Giles was gone. "I hoped beyond hope." He said softly. I don't think anyone heard him except me. \\wish that I could cry Fall upon my knees Find a way to lie About the home I'll never see// I went to Angel a few days later. He was just as shocked as Spike. I think. He took it hard, different. We have more of a past than me and Spike. Just because he has that new girl around, we were the best of friends, together or apart. But I didn't get what I needed from him. I had so many questions and barely any answers. There was only one person I could talk to. "Spike?" "Slayer? What's up? A big bad need fighting?" His crypt was cool and a nice break from the heat of the day. It didn't smell very musty. I tried to hold back. There was so much that I needed to let go. The anguish. It bore down on my shoulders and drilled into my sleep. I was a slaying insomniac. \\It may sound absurd...But don't be naive Even heroes have the right to bleed I may be disturbed..but don't you concede Even heroes have the right to dream It's not easy to be me// "No." "What do you want then? To profess your love for me?" He laughed, trying to break the tenseness between us. "I need to talk to you. Person to person." It was so hard not to be mean. That's my instinct. He looked at me, thoughtfully. I never noticed his eyes are blue. A blue like the blue sky in my heaven. It was unsettling. "About what?" "Um." I looked away. Those eyes were making me want to cry. He looked so sad and worried for me. "When am I going to find peace? I died, again and I was in the afterlife, perfectly happy and then I'm alive and I'm clawing my way out of a grave. All alone." I looked at him again. He was crying. I could feel my eyes welling up and I let go. I'm strong, not that strong. "Buffy-" "You don't know what to say do you? I thought since you went through the same thing, even if you are a demon, you might know. Never mind." I turned to go. \\Up, up and away...Away from me It's all right...You can all sleep sound tonight I'm not crazy...Or anything...// "Buffy, stop." I turned. "I may not have the answers you need but I can listen. I know what it's like to claw your way up and some part of me wants peace." His voice was slow and even. With a comforting rumble. Like a purr. "I did all they wanted. Slayers live and die. They are soldiers, not- well I don't know. We're supposed to live and die. It's hard. We don't live long because it's so hard. And it's so lonely." "But maybe your special. More special than any Slayer ever." "Me? Why me? I'm just Buffy." "How can you say that? Look at you. You're Buffy." He came closer. I took a breath. Spike doesn't do that to me, and yet, Everything is different now. "Look how you've affected the world. You've saved Angel's soul and probably mine. You've saved so many lives and saved the world over and over." "What do you mean I've saved your soul?" "Well I'm not Spike anymore. I don't deserve that name." He shrugged. "You've done stuff to me." "I'm tired. I'm tired of slaying." "You saw Willow. We're all trying to make it easy on you." "It's not just that. You know it." \\I can't stand to fly I'm not that naive Men weren't meant to ride With clouds between their knees// "I wanted to give you the world." He was close now. I could feel him, all around me. "I wasn't ready." I closed my eyes. "And now?" "I'm so alone. I's been so long." "We'll take it slow. I have all the time in the world." That brought a smile to my face. I felt him behind me. He took my arm and slid his along until our fingers were intertwined. His lips were by my ear, by my neck. "Haven't I always been here?" He had been. And as I thought, I realized, Spike has never hurt me. I mean nothing close to what some vampires have done. It was weird. I leaned back against him, feeling his compressed body, tensed and hard. "You were in my heaven. The real you." I can't believe I told him. I was so safe and secure. I thought he would get mad, him being a vampire and all. "Yea? How's he doing?" \\I'm only a man in a silly red sheet Looking for kryptonite on this one way street Only a man in a funny red sheet Looking for special things inside of me// "Ask him yourself. He's inside you." I felt him kiss me and then he pulled away. I felt different. Like we'd connected. And for the first time since I came back I felt like I could really live again. \\It's not easy to be me//
