285 South
TEACHER: ...Parker with Evans, that's Evans I. Evans M. with Valenti, Guerin with DeLuca...
MARIA: Wait, did you just say Guerin?
TEACHER: Yes, Michael Guerin.
MARIA: No, no, I'm sorry. That's unacceptable.
TEACHER: I beg your pardon?
MARIA: I mean the guys not even here.
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MARIA: I mean, this is like cruel and unusual education. I mean, aren't there, like, Geneva convention rules against this sort of thing?
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MAX: Don't do me any more favors.
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MICHAEL: This is it. The thing from my dreams.
ISABEL: Can we get back to the part where you got arrested, please?
MICHAEL: Look, it's over, ok? Max fixed it.
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MICHAEL: Max, I'm connected to this thing, all right? I mean, I see it when I close my eyes. I dream about it when I go to sleep. And it's not letting me wait, no matter what you guys say.
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MARIA: Hey, wait. Uh, what's your favorite ice cream flavor? We have to do this completely queer history project for tomorrow.
MICHAEL: Sorry, I'm busy.
MARIA: Wait, will you just answer these questions, ok? Uh, um...who's your favorite relative?
MICHAEL: Get lost, all right? I've gotta...
MARIA: What? You've gotta what? What?
MICHAEL: You driving somewhere?
MARIA: Yeah, to the lift-off gas station to drop off a box for my mom.
MICHAEL: The one near the highway?
MARIA: Yeah. So?
MICHAEL: So, give me a ride and I'll answer your stupid questions.
MARIA: Ok.
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KYLE: What's your favorite television show?
MAX: I don't watch much television. You?
KYLE: America's Most Wanted. I watch it with my dad. All right, all right, let's get to the good ones. Ooh, uh...what's the best thing that's ever happened to you?
MAX: Getting adopted, I guess.
KYLE: I'm gonna shed a tear.
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ISABEL: Your favorite flavor is Vanilla?
LIZ: Yeah.
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MAX: What's the best thing that ever happened to you?
KYLE: Winning the statewide junior rifle competition.
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ISABEL: Why don't you just bring them some ketchup or something?
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LIZ: Bringing you ketchup.
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KYLE: I'm glad you came over, too, 'cause i was hoping that we could skip on down to question number 8. Have you ever been in love? Hmm? How 'bout it, Evans?
MAX: No.
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MARIA: You can't just make up the answers.
MICHAEL: Who says I'm making them up?
MARIA: You do not watch "The View".
MICHAEL: Keeps me in touch with my feminine side.
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MARIA: That'll be $300, cash is preferable.
MAN: Okay.
MARIA: He's stealing my car. He's stealing my car!
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MARIA: You're telling me to get out? This is my car. Actually, it's my mother's car, and if anything happens to it, life as I know it will be over. So, wherever it goes, I go.
MICHAEL: Fine. You had your chance.
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MARIA: Oh, my God. You're kidnapping me. No, wait, you're abducting me!
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MARIA: You know it's funny being alone in a car with you.
LIZ: Maria? Is that you?
MICHAEL: Do you always talk this much.
LIZ: Is that Michael?
MARIA: Liz says I talk alot when I'm nervous.
LIZ: Nervous about being alone in a car with Michael?
MARIA: So how far would you say we will be going. South on 285 huh?
MICHAEL: What...? (Michael grabs Maria's cell phone and tosses it out the window) Great.
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MAX: You can't come.
LIZ: No, not when Maria's invovled
MAX: Maria?
ISABEL: That would be the car with her in it.
KYLE: Trouble in paradise? So soon?
MAX: Get in.
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ISABEL: The perfect Liz Parker lying to her mother?
LIZ: Yeah, well, at least she knows what species I am.
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MARIA: You...you are going to be arrested.
MICHAEL: For driving to Texas?
MARIA: Across a state line with a minor? In a stolen vehicle? There are laws, you know. And that cell phone you just tossed? Vandalism of personal property. God, I just...I knew you had criminal tendencies. You even drive erractically.
MICHAEL: What's exactly wrong with my driving?
MARIA: I told you not to go over 80. The engine won't take it.
MICHAEL: Maybe it's just tired of hearing you talk.
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MARIA: Oh, so what? What's in Marathon? Contraband? Some woman? What?
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MICHAEL: Are you happy now? Go ahead, tell 'em I kidnapped you and I stole your car. I mean, what's one more arrest on my record, huh? Damn it!
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MARIA: What do you mean, this could be the most important day of your life?
MICHAEL: Forget it.
MARIA: You have 20 seconds to convince me.
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MARIA: I've really gotta pee. See...I, I've...I have this like really weak bladder condition and I drank a Big Gulp at the last station, and it had caffeine, you know, so it makes me have to go even more. So he was just driving really fast so we could get to the next station so I could pee.
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(Liz walks over to Isabel with tow cups of coffee, Isabel accidently knocks them out of Liz's hands and all over them both)
LIZ: I was just trying to be nice.
ISABEL: Well don't, ok?
(Isabel waves a hand over her blouse)
LIZ: No wonder you always look so perfect.
ISABEL: Well, I guess that answers question number 12: "Who do you envy?"
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LIZ: Isabel...I'm...I'm not trying to take him away from you. I mean...I could never even do that.
ISABEL: I know.
LIZ: But what if you guys found something in Marathon? Would you take him away from me?
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MARIA: Did you pull on the chokey thing?
MICHAEL: Yes, I did pull on the chokey thing.
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MARIA: Come on. Wiggle your nose, blink your eyes, do the Samantha-Jeannie alien thing. Come on.
MICHAEL: I can't.
MARIA: Why not? Come on! If there's ever a time to have secret powers, now is the time.
MICHAEL: They're not secret powers.
MARIA: I don't care what you call 'em! Just use them and get us out of here!
MICHAEL: I'm not that good at it, all right?!
MARIA: Hah! Figures.
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MICHAEL: Your car sucks!
MARIA: And so do you.
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MICHAEL: Now that I've humilaited myself, I'm getting into the back seat.
MARIA: Wait a minute. Ok. You kidnap me, and you blow up my car, and you expect me to spend the night in here with you?
MICHAEL: Not exactly my fantasy evening either.
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MARIA: Don't touch it it's sensitive!
(An alien head balloon pops up out of a box into Michael's face)
MARIA: What my mom makes them? What!?
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MARIA: Michael where are you going?
MICHAEL: See that motel over there? I'm going to get some rest.
MARIA: Michael! Michael wait!
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MARIA: It's like the porno version of Aladdin.
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MARIA: I don't even want to think about what I could catch in here.
MICHAEL: You know if you'd stop being a princess about...
MARIA: Princess? No, I think I've been a pretty good sport buddy. But now I'm in some nookie motel with I guy I barely even know and I'm cold and hungry and I just want to be home.
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MARIA: You get hungry?
MICHAEL: Of course I get hungry.
MARIA: What, uh...what other human urges do you feel?
(Michael walks really close to Maria)
MICHAEL: Not if you're the last woman on Earth.
MARIA: Ditto.
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MARIA: So, favorite ice cream flavor?
MICHAEL: Pistachio.
MARIA: Pistachio...favorite TV show?
MICHAEL: Win Ben Stein's Money.
MARIA: Ok, favorite book?
MICHAEL: James Joyce...Ulysses.
MARIA: You have not read Ulysses.
MICHAEL: "What incensed him the most was the blatant jokes of the ones who pass it all off as a jest, pretending to understand everything and in reality not knowing their own minds." Page 655...told you you wouldn't understand. Next question.
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MARIA: Okay, if your so smart then how come you failing like every class?
MICHAEL: What number is that?
MARIA: It's my own personal question.
MICHAEL: I don't answer personal questions.
MARIA: All right, fine. Then maybe it's the answer to number 16. What are you afraid of?
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MICHAEL: Substitute a spaceship for a limo, and you know what I mean.
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MICHAEL: I don't suppose we could share?
(Maria walks really close to Michael)
MARIA: Not if you were the last alien on Earth.
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MAX: Just wanted to keep you warm.
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MARIA: Liz! Oh My God, what are you doing here?!
LIZ: We thought you were in trouble, but I guess we were wrong.
MARIA: No no. You don't think--I mean, that is, like so unreal! I mean...come on, would you tell them?
MICHAEL: Come on, honey, we don't have to lie.
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ISABEL: I believe you. The day Michael calls anybody honey, it's all over.
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MICHAEL: So I guess you're here to be supportive, as usual?
MAX: No. I'm here to clean up your mess as usual. Michael, what were you thinking?
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LIZ: You don't belong here, Kyle. This is none of your business.
KYLE: I don't know...I don't know what I ever saw in you.
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LIZ: No! No more secrets from us! Maria and I, we are a part of this now. If we don't know everything, how are we supposed to protect ourselves? And how are we supposed to help you?
MICHAEL: We don't need any help!
MARIA: Right, next time steal someone elses car and get away with it.
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ISABEL: What do you want to know?
LIZ: Start from the beginning.
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ISABEL: The key.
(The key doesn't fit into the lock Max waves his hand over it and they all go in)
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ISABEL: Try the key.
(Michael holds the key and tries to get a preminision)
MICHAEL: Nothing.
(Maria walks over next to him)
MARIA: Try again.
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MICHAEL: Jackpot, Maximilian.
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