Captain Fraulien of the Starship Phone sat in her captain’s chair, staring into space and thinking up ideas to put on her webpage. She couldn’t think of any! Suddenly, she realized something horrible, and a ship came onto the screen.
“Ahhh! It’s the bord!!!” yelled Angela la la la, Chief of Killing the Penguins.
“Go to red alert.” Captain Fraulien commanded. Red lights flashed and Christina came out discoing to the music in her head. Jason, Queen of the Bunny Fairies, beamed her out of there as fast as his hands could move.
“Look,” Fraulien whispered, “I said RED ALERT, not one of the SELF DESTRUCT MODES!!”
“Sorry,” Queen apologized. “Wrong button.”
Fraulien shuddered. “I can’t believe Sir Charlesalot asked that comicsexual to Junior Prom!”
Fraulien turned to her first officer, El Gato!, who had an apron around his neck and seemed to be posing for a picture. She hit him on the head with a pillow, got from her chair, and said, “Stop fartin’ around! Didn’t you realize we almost went into self destruct mode?” Suddenly the ship was hit and they were both thrown backward. El Gato! got up quickly and dusted himself off, and helped Fraulien up. She thanked him, kissing him with wild fruit passion (the Smackers “Flavor of the Weak”), then turned to the view screen.
“Okay, go to the REAL red alert. Not like that FAKE red alert,” Fraulien said. A truckload of midgets came out of one of the rooms and replaced the white light bulbs with red ones.
“Are weapons on-line?,” Fraulien asked her tactical officer, Sir Charlesalot.
Charlesalot looked up suddenly and his feet slid off of his station. He straightened up. “Who, me? Oh yeah, umm. . . ahem, ahem. On-line? Hmmm, hold on, weapons. . . weapons. . .no, there is no one by the screen name of ‘weapons’ on-line aol or yahoo at this moment. Oh wait, the other kind of weapons. . .yes, Captain, they’re on-line.”
“Good-” Suddenly Fraulien was interrupted by the flash of the bord normal greeting on the view screen. She turned around.
“We are the bord. You will not be amused. Resistance is futile,” said a combination of many monotone voices.
“Yeah, yeah yeah, we’ve heard it before,” Fraulien waved it off, becoming bored with the bord greeting. She turned to Angela la la la and whispered to her, “You’d think they could at least make a flashier entrance like Darkwing Duck, but NNOO. . .”
She turned back to the bord. “I demand to speak with Bord King ‘Shut up Chris, no one cares’ Birdboy.”
“We speak for him,” the bord replied.
Fraulien turned to Charlesalot, “OhmiGOD, can you take this monotone?!”, covering her ears. She turned back. “Allow me to speak with him or I will release my secret weapon. This guy (*Brian B.*) is more than you could take,” Fraulien threatened. The bord had a hint of worriedness in their eyes, and Fraulien was transported onto their ship. The ship was a big box with a simple design and completely gray. No accessories.
“Some SERIOUS need for redecorating,” Fraulien observed.
Suddenly there was some movement and the Bord King Birdboy stepped out from the shadows.
“Captain Fraulien, so we meet again,” Birdboy said. “And what brings you this time?”
"One of your ships came to us. . . but instead of fighting as we always do, I propose a treaty.”
“A. . .treaty?”
“Yes indeed.”
“And what will this ‘treaty’ include?”
Fraulien paused a moment. “It is hard to speak to you in this bord room. Beam aboard my ship and we can discuss this further.” With that, Fraulien was transported back to her own ship, on the bridge.
“Captain, what happened?” demanded El Gato!.
“The bord are going to discuss a treaty with us,” Fraulien replied.
“This is what you’ve been planning all these months, isn’t it?” El Gato! asked.
“Actually, not really. I just randomly kinda decided to do that. Carpe diem- right now is as good as any time to do this, so why not?”
“Oh.”
Fraulien gathered her Former Senior Officers (and a few of them who WEREN’T seniors with her- some who are seniors now, and some who graduated awhile ago. . .) of the crew together for a meeting in That One Room Off The Bridge On The Right.
Captain Fraulien sat at the head of the table, El Gato! sat on her left, next to him: Sir Charlesalot, Ohmigod I Killed Kenny (Chief Of Keeping People Alive), Jeff: Ernest Hemmingway of Bull Shit, Jason Queen of the Bunny Fairies, Michelle Ruler Of Metallica, Her Boy Toy James Hetfield (ummm. . .that’s kind of disgusting, actually. . .), Kim Of Zeal, Matrix Melanie, Fire Fire Fire! Amanda, “My Friend Has a Girlfriend And He Hates That Bitch” Smelly Teresa, and Angela La La La Chief Of Killing The Penguins (ending up all the way back on Fraulien’s right).
“We need a plan!!!” Fraulien exclaimed. Angela La La La leaned forward and put her hands together, and said, “Okay, here’s the plan!. . .” She didn’t say anything more.
“Great plan!” Fraulien exclaimed. “Okay, but do we need gloves for that?” Everyone drew blank stares at her. “Okay, I take that as a ‘No’.”
“Bord King Birdboy will be here very soon! Dismissed,” Fraulien announced suddenly. Everyone left, except for El Gato! and Jason, Queen of the Bunny Fairies. El Gato!, as her first officer, had to be present for all discussion between other species, and Jason, Queen of the Bunny Fairies, was pretty much chief of security.
“Queen, I would like two security guards in the room when Bord King Birdboy comes, just in case. You know those bord- ohmigod, who knows what kind of tricks they could have up their sleeves. Okay, well they don’t have sleeves, but that’s beside the point!,” Fraulien said. Jason nodded and paged the required people, and disappeared out the door. A moment later, Color in the Homo Rainbow Danny and CPM Hater Eric stood behind Fraulien’s chair quite a distance. A moment later, Bord King Birdboy materialized in the doorway.
“We meet again, Fraulien. What are these ‘guards’ doing here?,” whispering in a gay voice, “Hi Danny,” clearing his throat, “And your first officer?” Bord King Birdboy questioned.
“The guards,” Fraulien motioned, “are just protocol. El Gato! has to be present as a witness. Have a seat.”
“I prefer to stand,” Bord King replied. “So what does this treaty entail?”
“To get to our destination- Right Answer Land- we must pass through your territory for approximately 20 days. Safe passage through your territory for. . . handing over our most powerful weapon without using it on you.”
Bord King Birdboy looked skeptically and thoughtfully at her. He offered his hand for a handshake.
“Wait,” Fraulien said. She put out her pinkie. “You gotta pinkie swear. . . .” They shook pinkies, and then she said “Cross your heart, hope to die, stick a needle in your eye?” The Bord King repeated the line, and so the deal was set.
****
“Becky (whispered). Captain. (louder) Captain!,” El Gato! shook her. She tried to open her eyes, but everything was blurry. She rolled over in her chair and put her pillow over her head. He tried tapping her.
“What do you want?” she said weakly annoyed.
“Captain! Your on the bridge! King Birdboy of the Bord has requested your attention!,” El Gato informed her. Her eyes opened wider and she turned around in her chair, now more awake and alert. She fixed her hair a bit, and met Bord King Birdboy’s face on the view screen.
“What a sight for sore eyes,” she muttered sarcastically under her breath.
“What?” the Birdboy inquired.
“Oh nothing, nothing,” she replied quickly. “What is it that requires my attention?”
“We want the weapon.”
Fraulien walked forward a bit, grabbed onto a support part of the bridge and leaned forward. “You thought we’d give it to you before we were out of your space? What are you peanuts??”
“Actually, I’m allergic to peanuts,” El Gato! said.
“Umm. . .Sorry. . .,” Fraulien turned to him. She turned back to Birdboy. “Once we have traveled through your space, we will give you the weapon.”
Bord King Birdboy looked slightly annoyed, and the view screen went blank.
****
10 days later. . .
****
Captain Fraulien, El Gato!, Kim of Zeal, Angela La La La Chief of Killing the Penguins, Richard the Professional Bum, Sir Charlesalot, and Jeff: Ernest Hemmingway of Bull Shit were sitting around in the Messy Hall (where Richard the Professional Bum “lives”- it’s where the crew eats), playing Bull Shit- more popularly known as “B.S.” Gee, who’s gonna win this game? After all, he’s had so much practice at B.S.ing.
“We’re on 3s. . .two 3s,” Jeff said.
“Bull shit!,” Kim yelled. He showed her the cards to prove that for once in his life he wasn’t lying.
"Figures, the one time!,” she said. She scooped up the pile.
Suddenly, That One Guy Who’s Gonna Get Killed That No One Knows The Name Of rushed in and yelled “Captain! Three Bord ships just appeared abnormally close on sensors. Their weapons are being charged.”
Fraulien jumped up and rushed quickly out of the room. She stopped, and came back. “Wait, since your going to die soon anyway, we should at least get you in a group photo. What do you say?”
They all nodded, and Jeff: Ernest Hemmingway of Bull Shit pulled out a holocamera and set the timer. They all posed in a group hug, and said “Extra Terrestrial Power!”
“Okay, now time to see what’s up!,” Fraulien decided. El Gato! looked up. Fraulien glanced at him and sighed. “Blonde,” she muttered.
She ran down the hall, with everyone else (except Richard the Professional Bum- hell, he never goes anywhere) behind her. She got 1/2 way across the ship when she realized she’d taken a wrong turn.
“Oh DUDE, ahhh! Why can’t I ever remember where the turbo lift is??,” Fraulien demanded, annoyed.
El Gato! pulled his handy directions out of his pocket. “Here we are. There’s the turbo lift. It should be over there,” he pointed.
They all finally got to the turbo lift, and soon were all on the bridge.
“Hail them, Mr. Charlesalot,” Fraulien commanded, sitting in her confidently in her captain’s chair. A moment later:
“They’re responding.”
“On screen.” Bord King Birdboy’s face appeared on the screen.
“Captain.”
“Why are your ships abnormally close to us? And why are their weapons being charged?,” Fraulien leaned forward.
“We are tiring of this ‘treaty’. We want the weapon.”
“But we’re only 1/2 way through bord space. We made a deal. If you do not guarantee safety through your space, we cannot guarantee that our most power weapon will not trigger a chain reaction throughout your whole entire empire.”
Bord King Birdboy stopped for a moment. “Very well, we will keep this treaty, but as soon as you are at the border of bord space, your most powerful weapon will be handed over to us.”
“Good. End transmission.” Fraulien said. She turned to Sir Charlesalot. “How stupid was that. Duh we were going to win the argument. Trying to cut corners isn’t going to work with us when we are the corner!”
He gave her a weird look.
“What?,” she asked. He shook his head and went over here. Now that he was over here, he decided to go over there (to hang out with Jeff).
Kim of Zeal came up to Fraulien, and whispered. “Captain, I think he thinks your a few chickens short of a picnic basket.”
Fraulien stared blankly at her and said, “I don’t have a picnic basket.”
“Hmmm. . .that could be a problem,” Kim said.
After pausing a moment, Fraulien said, “Anyways. Ten days, and they already asked for the weapon twice. We will expect them to request for the weapon again, but we must not allow them to have it yet! Not until we are through their space. Because there is no other way that we will be able to make it through their space alive.”
****
Five days later. . .
****
A hit on the ship sent Fraulien hurtling across the room, stunned. She hit her com badge and it made a clicking noise. “Fraulien to El Gato!- what the hell was that?”
“Captain, a bord ship just attacked us- off the starbrid bough.”
“Hail that ship. I’m on my way.” Fraulien hurried to the bridge. Birdboy was already on the screen, and El Gato! had begun to converse with him.
“Oh captain,” El Gato! let her through to where he was standing.
“That was totally unacceptable,” Fraulien declared. “We will give you the fudging weapon when we are through your space.”
“Oh I know, and that’s still the plan- I was just testing you, captain.”
“If you decide to test us again, say goodbye to your fleet because we’re taking them with us.” Fraulien said.
“Captain, would you really be willing to sacrifice your crew?”
“Yes,” Fraulien said confidently.
“WHAT?!,” everyone around her demanded.
“If it comes to that,” she continued, looking around at the people a bit. “Fraulien out.”
“Captain, they are powering down their weapons,” Charlesalot informed her.
Fraulien turned to the rest of her crew now.
“Captain, you were kidding about that. . .weren’t you??,” Angela La La La asked.
“No.”
Her jaw dropped. “But then. . . cuties!!!,” she whined.
“Damn. . .well. . .I don’t care about that anymore AS much,” she glanced at El Gato!. “And anyway, he’s got that Michael J. Fox thing going on and it’s kinda sexy. Not as sexy as his truck, though. Oh man, his truck turns me on. Tractors don’t do anything for me, but that truck. . .”
“You don’t think my tractor is sexy?,” El Gato! asked worriedly, then began to sing and jive to the country song “She thinks my tractor’s sexy” by Kenny Chesney. “She thinks my tractor's sexy, it really turns her on, she's always starin' at me while I'm chuggin' along. She likes the way it's pullin while I'm tillin' up the land- she's even kinda crazy 'bout my farmer's tan. She's the only one who really understands what gets me, she thinks my tractor's sexy. . .”
“Um. . . you don’t have a tractor. . .we go or went to R-----, remember? Not D.O. (NOT DRUG OVERDOSE!),” Fraulien said, backing away a bit.
“Oh yeah!,” El Gato! said enthusiastically.
“Well, Jeff’s truck turns me hella on! . . .Ohmigod, ahhhh!! I just realized that his truck is the whore color (yellow). . .,” Angela La La La said.
Everyone on the bridge was staring by now.
“What?!,” Angela La La La yelled.
“Yo, back to work y’all. Chop chop!,” Fraulien said, moving her hands up and down like knives. Everyone began to do the Braves chant (which I’ve only seen on “Robin Hood: Men In Tights”- the part where Robin is in the archery contest).
Fraulien glared in a general direction and said, “Just. . .go. . .drive a truck!”
“Okay,” Sir Charlesalot said. He got up and left the room.
“Oh-kay,” Fraulien said. “Wait. . . there’s really a truck on this ship?”
Charlesalot suddenly rushed back into the room and stood against the closed door he’d just come through, cautious and breathing hard. He rolled across the floor and picked up a sword, and finally came over to Fraulien.
“Madame President,” he said looking over his shoulder, “There is an evil one out to kill you.”
“Yes, Bord King ‘Shut up Chris, no one cares’ Birdboy.”
“No, not him. . .it’s me!” He took his sword and was about to bring it down on her, but stopped his hand with his other hand.
“No, you can’t kill her. . .yes I can!. . .No!!” He began to sword fight himself, and El Gato! pulled out some popcorn that Fraulien had just made. His good side finally won, and he cut off his own hand. Oh wait, actually Shhh! It was a mannequin’s hand and he just shoved his hand inside his sweater to make it look like he cut off his hand. But don’t tell anyone!
“Milady, if you would just knight me. . . as my last dying wish. . .”
Fraulien pulled out a name tag that said “President of the United States of America”, and picked up the sword. She tapped him lightly on each shoulder. “I knight you, in the name of the United States, ‘Lord Sir Charlesalot Southwick of Northfork.'”
He went limp and then slowly dragged himself off the bridge.
****
Five days later. . .
****
“Well, we are going to toast! We’re finally on the border of Taco- I mean bord space. We made it you guys!!,” Fraulien raised her champagne glass.
“Yes, but I just want to know one thing,” Fire Fire Fire! Amanda said. She turned to Ohmigod I Killed Kenny. “Kenny, will you get naked with me in a pine tree?”
Matrix Melanie got pissed off. “Amanda. That’s not Kenny,” she pulled off Kenny’s mask. “That’s an ecstasy dealing monkey!”
Everyone gasped. Fraulien unzipped his backpack one last time, and then the monkey crawled away quietly and no one ever heard from him again.
“Oh, it’s nearing the end. . .awh,” Angela La La La said, turning their attention away from the monkey. By the way, the monkey’s name was really Bert.
“I’m sorry you and F_F_F_F Wanita Baboon never worked out. But. . .eventually it wouldn’t have anyway. Because you know how it goes- Fatty and Skinny went to bed. Fatty rolled over and skinny was dead,” Fraulien said.
Angela La La La gave her a weird look, then sighed and said, “Yeah, I guess your right. That’s a first.”
“Um. . .anyways!,” El Gato! said.
“Yes, the toast. To defeating Birdboy’s plans to bore us!” Everyone clinked glasses.
Suddenly, everyone was thrown forward by a jerking from the ship. A voice came to Fraulien over her com badge.
“Captain, a bord ship just hit us!” Fraulien used her handy-dandy “site-to-site” transporter and she was on the bridge (didn’t know she had one of those, didja? DIDJA??).
“Kim, hail the ship!,” Fraulien commanded.
“They’re responding.”
“On screen.”
“Captain, you are on the border of bord space. Give us the weapon now or your ship will be destroyed.”
“Okay,” Fraulien said. “Release the weapon, Kim.” Kim hit a button and Brian B. was released in a capsule. The bord ships sent a tractor beam and he was transported onto the ship. A moment later, the ship evaporated, and most of it’s fleet with it.
“Kim! I was supposed to keep my word! What happened? They weren’t supposed to be destroyed.”
“They weren’t? Whoops. . .”
Fraulien sighed. “Oh well. Warp 8- we’d better get away from here.”
****
Two days later. . .
****
“All systems halt- where are we?” Fraulien said.
“Oh look, there’s a planet- can we go see if there are extra terrestrials on it? Can we, huh, can we???,” Jason said.
“Okay, Mulder. Yeah, I guess so- we need to stop and get out a map anyway.”
The ship came to a stop and another ship, one they didn’t recognize, approached them.
“Captain, they’re hailing us.”
“On screen.”
A green little midget guy could be seen. “Who goes there? You are trespassing on Jimmy’s space!,” he said.
“Who is this ‘Jimmy’? We’re lost- I’m sorry. We meant no intrusion.”
“Jimmy- Ruler Of Wrong Answer Land.”
“WHAT?! DUDE!! Our goal was to get to Right Answer Land. Umm. . .do you have any idea how we could get out of here. . .?”
“Lady, if I knew how to get out of here, why would I be here still??”
“Good point. Thanks anyways. We’ll get out of here ASAP. Fraulien out.”
“Dude, how could you get us lost,” Angela La La La burst out. “I’m so mad I could-” She started, grabbing a light saber out of a near-by garbage can (where Creepy lives), faintly hearing “I can see your slip,” and stabbing Fraulien in the stomach.
Fraulien looked down, surprised. She stepped forward a bit. “You got me! I knew I was done for. Doomed! Finished. Goodbye cruel world! Goodbye pillow. . .goodbye chair. . .” Turning to El Gato!, “Goodbye guy over there!. . .Everything’s getting. . .so faded and dark. . .” Standing up straighter, “No wait, it’s getting clear again!” She doubled over again. “No, no. . .this is truly it for me. I’m dying, dying. . .” She starts sinking to the floor, then stops. “Wait!” She doubles over again. “No, no. This is truly. . .the end. . .” Fraulien fell to the ground.
“ ‘Bout bloody time,” Angela La La La said, shoving her body away.
“Wait a minute, bitch!” Fraulien suddenly stood up again, and shoved Angela La La La out of the way. “This is my show, dammit, and I will NOT die!” She pulled the light saber out of her stomach, crouched in a fighting position (kinda like what you would see on “Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon”), and yelled, “Unguard!”
They began light saber fighting to Star Wars music. The fighting was awesome, man! It was great, like those effects in that movie I just mentioned- “Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon”- by the way, that movie was really REALLY good. I recommend it. Oh, but the fighting is too confusing to describe here right now, so I can’t- just watch that movie, man.
Fraulien stopped and so did the music. “Wait, let’s be friends again. Truce?”
“Truce.”
“Well, I guess this is the end, even though we still haven’t found our way out of Wrong Answer Land yet. Oh well, who cares. Oh wait! One more thing we forgot,” Fraulien said.
“What’s that?,” El Gato! asked.
“We never killed That One Guy Who’s Gonna Get Killed That No One Knows The Name Of.”
The guy came out, looking depressed now.
“Sorry, man, no hard feelings, you know. . .but we gotta,” Fraulien said almost sadly.
The guy nodded and closed his eyes, waiting. Suddenly Roxy jumped out.
“Wait! He’s my boyfriend! He hasn’t slept on the floor with the bugs yet,” she yelled.
“There are no bugs on the floor.”
“I’ll bring some bugs,” she said.
Angela La La La fell off her chair onto the floor, laughing so hard tears were coming out of her eyes. Everyone else started busting up, too. They were laughing so much they couldn’t kill the guy, but eventually they sent Roxy to another planet, with her new-found-friend Fran Roxy (who’s real name is Brooke, I think).
THE END
. . .or is it? Yeah, well, I guess it is this time. Darn!!
